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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Armageddon (review)

It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Stupidity

Oh, there will be those who say that Armageddon is mindless fluff, a complete waste of celluloid, a blot on humanity’s collective soul. Heed them not. Director Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer have crafted as fine an educational experience as you will find these days. To wit:
Fun Facts About Our Universe
Albert Einstein and Isaac Asimov be damned! They lied to us all those years. Here are the real scientific truths that govern everything:

  • New York City taxis and buses will explode at the slightest provocation, but one can fire a high-powered rifle multiple times on an offshore oil rig without incident.
  • Asteroids travel through space trailing iridescent spider webs and making whooshing noises.
  • But once a spaceship lands on that asteroid, it switches from whooshes to throaty growls.
  • Fire burns — rages, actually — in a vacuum.
  • The human body, under 11 Gs of force, is still capable of screaming, “We’re all gonna die!” Compression of the chest, forcing air out of the lungs and rendering speech impossible, simply does not happen.
  • Sound travels easily in a vacuum.
  • Forget all that claptrap about the Earth revolving around the sun — it can be sunset in the Middle East and the American Midwest at the same time.
  • When disarming a nuclear weapon, it’s never the red wire.

Information About NASA
The agency that put humans on the moon was exaggerating the difficulties and dangers it faced in that dramatic endeavor. The real story is much more believable:

  • It’s pronounced “Nausau.”
  • Astronaut training can be completed in less than two weeks — summer Space Camp is really all the orientation one needs.
  • NASA keeps extra portly-sized spacesuits on hand for the big and tall astronaut.
  • NASA employs a secret mode of transportation to whisk one from Mission Control in Houston to Cape Canaveral in Florida in mere minutes.
  • Beautiful young women with dewy lips and moist eyes may wander freely at all NASA facilities.
  • NASA’s trained professionals rarely know what they’re doing — one merely need push them aside and bash any malfunctioning equipment with a monkey wrench or even one’s bare fists.
  • NASA frequently takes advantage of the little-known truck-stop facilities at space station Mir.
  • NASA shuttles are equipped with machine guns.
  • Astronauts must beware the dreaded affliction known as “space dementia,” which can cause you to behave like a moron.
  • Regardless of what you may have heard, there are no amateur astronomers or professionals unaffiliated with NASA who might spot an asteroid the size of Texas barreling toward Earth. In fact, a meteor storm can devastate the New York metropolitan area without raising suspicions.

And Our Glorious U.S. of A.
It makes me all teary-eyed, thinking about this great nation of ours. Armageddon celebrates it perfectly, just in time for Independence Day, our country’s birthday:

  • Most Americans drape the Stars and Stripes over every stationary object and will pose in front of the flag whenever possible.
  • American women are either bitches, whores, or semivirginal nymphs who need the protection of a manly man.
  • Professionalism and maturity are for dweebs and squares. The way to get ahead in the world is to shoot, shout, and hit anything or anyone who disagrees with you.
  • Rule to live by: When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
  • Beautiful young women find horny, insane Steve Buscemi irresistible.

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viewed at a public multiplex screening

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