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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

The Princess Bride (review)

A Princess Bride Trivia Quiz

Who is the sworn enemy of the country of Florin?
A. Guildenstern
B. Gilder
C. Rosencranz
D. Sean Gilder, aka “Styles” in those Horatio Hornblower flicks

Name the fencing strategy to counter Bonetti’s Defense.
A. Cozzi fan Tutti
B. Casablanca
C. Copernicus
D. Capoferro
Finish this sentence: Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates are:
A. Morons
B. Dead
C. Philosophers
D. All of the above

Where was Fezzik the Giant unemployed when Vizzini hired him?
A. Greenland
B. The WWF
C. Hollywood

What are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp?
A. Flame Spurts, Lightning Sand, and Rodents of Unusual Size
B. High property taxes, poor schools, and no garbage collection
C. Mob corpses, Jersey devils, haunting Springsteen ballads

To avoid the first Classic Blunder, you should:
A. Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line
B. Never get involved in a land war in Asia
C. Never utter a line from The Princess Bride unless you want to be spouting quotes all day

The Princess Bride was written by:
A. William Goldman
B. S. Morgenstern
C. This is a trick question, isn’t it?

Which statement about Westley is not true?
A. He is not lefthanded.
B. He looks great in black, and oh my god, those boots.
C. He kicked Bill Paxton’s ass in that tornado movie.

When Inigo meets the Six-Fingered Man who commissioned a sword from his father, he will say what to him?
A. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
B. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You left your credit card at my father’s sword shop, did you know that?
C. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Dude, you rocked in Spinal Tap.

Being mostly dead is:
A. Still a little alive
B. A good tax dodge
C. A nice trick if you can pull it off

According to the Impressive Clergyman, marriage is:
A. A dweam within a dweam
B. A good tax dodge
C. A nice trick if you can pull it off

Iocaine powder comes from:
A. The drugstore
B. Australia
C. That creepy guy on the corner
D. Sweeping the floor of one of Pablo Escobar’s factories

According to Miracle Max, if you rush a miracle you get:
A. Rotten miracles
B. Sour wine
C. The Mummy Returns

Where did we leave that wheelbarrow the albino had?
A. Over the albino, I think.
B. Prop storage at Universal Studios.
C. Item #14553246 on eBay.

“As you wish” means:
A. “Hoo boy, that Buttercup is a hottie.” –Farmboy
B. “Oh baby, that Farmboy is really cute.” –Buttercup
C. “Rotten little kid don’t appreciate a thing I do for him.” –Grandpa

The correct sequence of Dread Pirate Robertses is:
A. Roberts, Cumberbund, Ryan, Westley
B. Nora, Doris, Tanya, Tony
C. Jason, The Dread Pirate Robards; Tim, The Dread Pirate Robbins; Cliff, The Dread Pirate Robertson; Edward G., The Dread Pirate Robinson

According to Westley, Prince Humperdinck:
A. Is ugly, rich, and scabby
B. Is a warthog-faced buffoon
C. Kinda sounds like that pumpkin dude from The Nightmare Before Christmas

Is this a kissing book?
A. Yes
B. No
C. You know, someday you might not mind so much


ANSWERS

Well, if you don’t know, I’m not telling you. You call yourself a Princess Bride fanatic? That’s pathetic, that is. I think that’s the worse thing I’ve ever heard. Go watch the film again, right now, ten times, as penace.


MPAA: rated PG

viewed at home on a small screen

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