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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 (review)

Build Your Own Rush Hour Movie

First, pick a theme:
A. fish out of water
B. buddy cop
C. kung fu
D. culture clash
E. all of the above
F. revenge
Pick a better action movie to rip off:
A. Die Hard
B. Lethal Weapon
C. every movie Jackie Chan made in Hong Kong
D. all of the above

Pick your heroes:
A. sassy black cop from Los Angeles
B. serious Chinese cop from Hong Kong
C. seriously pissed off Internet movie critic

Pick a bad guy:
A. “the most powerful crime lord in Asia”
B. “the most dangerous man in China”
C. studio execs who greenlight this junk

Pick something for the bad guy to smuggle from Hong Kong to the U.S.:
A. priceless artifacts
B. counterfeit money
C. the Chinese herbs required to make the antidote to the brainfog this junk induces

Pick a respectable agency to act like idiots, try to humiliate the heroes, and get shown up as jerks when the heroes crack the case:
A. the FBI
B. the Secret Service
C. the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Pick a culture to offend:
A. American black culture, by casting Chris Tucker, who appears to be a white man in blackface plucked from a 1920s minstrel show
B. Chinese culture, by forcing Tucker to speak made-up, pidgin Chinese
C. Chinese culture, by Disneyfying an ancient civilization into nothing more than massage parlors and noodles
D. indiscriminate moviegoers who will watch anything with guns, martial arts, and explosions
E. all of the above

Pick the one good thing in the movie:
A. Jackie Chan, who is adorable and a joy to watch when he gets to do his thing, which isn’t often enough
B. satisfying vengeance served up hot

Okay, pick one more good thing:
A. the outtakes that run over the end credits, the only spontaneous thing about the movie
B. the knowledge that discriminating moviegoers got their licks in

Pick a decent, respectable actor whose talents go to waste:
A. Tom Wilkinson
B. Don Cheadle
C. None of the above

Pick a rationale for the meaningless title:
A. There is some freeway traffic onscreen, so what the hell?
B. We rushed the screenplay through the kindergarten class that wrote it, because it was coming up on nap time.
C. We’re stuck with the whole Rush Hour thing now.

Pick sample dialogue:
A. “I’ma kick yo ass”
B. “I’ma kick yo ass”
C. “I’ma kick yo ass”

Pick the title of the sequel:
A. Rush Hour 2: We Got That Hot Chick From Crouching Tiger!
B. Rush Hour 3: Crouching Critic, Hidden Vengeance

Have fun! Play with your options! There are no “correct” answers, but if you were building Rush Hour, you’d pick: E, D, A&B, A, A, A, E, A, A, A, A, A, -. For Rush Hour 2, pick: E, D, A&B, B, B, B, E, A, A, B, B, B, A. And for Rush Hour 3, pick: F, D, B&C, C, C, C, D, B, B, C, C, C, B.

[reader comments on this review]

Rush Hour
viewed at home on a small screen
rated PG-13 for sequences of action/violence and shootings, and for language
official site | IMDB

Rush Hour 2
rated PG-13 for action violence, language and some sexual material
viewed at a private screening wiht an audience of critics
official site | IMDB

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