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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Crossroads (review) (text version)

My Heart Hurts

It makes me feel weird
Not good-weird
Like when totally cute Brian smiles at me across study hall
But bad-weird
Like when I have to do phys ed even though I have cramps

It makes me feel weird
Thinking about all the bad things in the world
Like puppies with broken legs
And butterflies that die
And movies starring pop queens
I used to think I could review anything
But now I know
That these flicks are meant to hurt us
Feels like I’m caught in a nightmare
That’s when I realize
I’m not a girl, not yet a critic
All I need is an Uzi, a gun that is mine
To make it all end

Blood would splatter all over the screen
As I took out the PG13 teen porn star
Cavorting in her teensy weensy underwear
For the whole world
And Bob Dole, hopped up on Viagra
To see

Then I’d turn around
Pirouetting like a beautiful ballerina
And take out the director
(I wonder if her mother knows
what she does for a living)
And the writer, who thinks
We’ll buy the Pepsi shillette
As high school valedictorian
At least we’re spared her speech

I don’t want my girly little heart
Warmed by the tale of the virginal nerd
(That would be the pop queen)
And her two long-lost friends
The trailer-trash rebel-skank sleaze
And the nasty, cruel, vain bitch
Who become bestest friends once again
On a road trip to California
I could totally hurl and stuff

It makes me feel like using that Uzi some more
When they sing along to the radio
So damn many times

And then comes the karaoke

I guess that’s wrong
I guess I should feel evil
But when the girls share their tragedies
During their endless pajama parties
It’s pretty funny that they didn’t see
Their sob stories coming
When we did right from the start

See the lovely red spray?
Somehow I think that
I would not be convicted
By a jury of my peers

Mariah, Mandy, now Britney
We have to stop them
Don’t you think?
If this goes on, we’ll have to endure
Pink and Christina
In a big-screen remake
Of “Laverne & Shirley”

(click here for the teenage-poet version)


MPAA: rated PG-13 for sexual content and brief teen drinking

viewed at a semipublic screening with an audience of critics and ordinary moviegoers

official site | IMDb
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