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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

Britney’s and Gwyneth’s child abuse: cinemastrologically driven?

My secret cinemastrology correspondent is clearly depressed — and maybe a little fed up — today. I recieved this along with this week’s cinemascopes:

It’s so easy to make fun of all these idiot Hollywood people and their asinine cinemastrology, but when it involves people’s kids, that’s just wrong. Of course Gwyneth Paltrow’s gonna name her baby something dumb like Moses — that girl has her head so far up Filamadamus’s ass she prolly thinks she’s living in 16th century Italy, if not actually in Bible times. And of course stupid Britney Spears is gonna wait a freakin’ week before taking her kid to the hospital after she drops him on his head. You wouldn’t believe all the crap in ‘Sopra Il Ligna’ about not trusting “bloodleechers” and “cirgeons” until one phase of the moon has passed by and junk like that.

And that was it. No supporting sonnets to support these contentions, no other info.

So, I’m gonna take a stab at a couple of this week’s bits of cinemastrological advice and see if I can guess what they might mean:
I’m guessing that il libro dimenticato, or “sign of the forgotten book,” is the sign of many screenwriters, so I’m gonna say that “Mere idiocy reigns supreme, and you will ride on its coattails” means that some utterly moronic script will sell or be optioned for a ridiculous price this week.

I think it’s safe to say that il monarca lieto, or “sign of the joyful king,” is the one that applies to most of the A-list superstars. If that’s true, then someone who fits into that small category will this week do something spectacular and public that seems benign but is underneath malicious, following this advice: “Subtlety and grace are powerful weapons — use them to turn those who would thwart you.”

If il rosa della bussola, or “sign of the compass rose,” is the one that Hollywood directors identify with, then I wonder if “The most rarefied realms of your desires are achievable, if you do all that is demanded of you, no matter how irrelevant it may seem” means that a big-name director will take on a project that somehow seems beneath him or her?

And finally, if Sean Young is a il gnocchi avanzi, or “sign of the leftover potato dumpling”, then that must be the sign of crazy has-been actors. And so maybe this:

You work and you plan and you study and you practice, and it all comes to naught once more, while those around you with less to offer blaze trails of success and fortune. Consider homicide, not suicide.

means that some has-been will get in trouble this week for doing something violent, perhaps against a former costar.

It all sounds crazy to me, frankly, but then, I don’t live in Beverly Hills. I’ll scour the tabloids this week for news of anything that seems to fit in with the cinemascopes and my “predictions.”

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