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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

cinemastrology: cinemascopes for the week of 04.06-04.12

Here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:

il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): Get everything in writing, unless you’ve got compromising photographs… which you should, if you’re anything worth crowing about. Someone near you is paying more attention that you think.

il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Oh, with a seemingly casual sigh of boredom you can shift mountains. You are underestimated and ignored, and yet, if they knew what power you can wield, they’d be more careful. When the phone rings at 2am on Saturday night, don’t answer.

il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): No one cares to hear your complaints; this is a simple, sad fact of your position. And yet you are expected to endure the complaints of others with grace. Take notes — you’ll find them useful later.

il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): Some say you must not plot for success — others say it is the only way. There is a middle ground between spontaneity and organization, but only you can find it. Obey the demigods at your own peril.

il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): Try the highlights — a change of look can help, if you mind not to get too self-consciously trendy. You are valued — and valuable — for how you stand out from the crowd, not for how you blend in.

il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Drunkenness can be pleasant, but when you indulge everyday… well, then you’re happy ever day, aren’t you? Don’t listen to the naysayers — when were they any fun, anyway?

il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Never again! The ingrates are going to jump ship no matter what you do, so take this last opportunity to twist the knife. It feels so good, doesn’t it?

il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): You will meet a woman in red, and she will lead you down a path you never could have imagined for yourself. But beware: she is more like you, too, than you could have imagined. And you know how dangerous you are.

il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): Let them laugh. IN fact, invite them to make fun of you — it only results in more attention thrown your way, which is exactly what you want. Silence is a treasure to be spent.

il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): Death is everywhere, but you live on. Why? Have you contemplated the infinite, and your place in it? Wonders never cease, and purple is the way. When you think you’re done for, think again.

(catch up with the unfolding story of cinemastrology here)

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