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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

cinemastrology: cinemascopes for the week of 04.13-04.19

Here are the ten signs of cinemastrology, and — according to my informer — what counsel members of each sign have received for the coming week:

il rosa della bussola (sign of the compass rose): The most rarefied realms of your desires are achievable, if you do all that is demanded of you, no matter how irrelevant it may seem. Someone is lurking in your shadows.

il chicco di caffè (sign of the coffee bean): Be especially attentive this week: one in your “care” needs you more than he or she will admit, can admit. Per usual, though, your ministrations will be noticed only when they somehow fail to please.

il coltello da formaggio (sign of the cheese knife): It’s springtime in some parts of the world… not ones that you ever see, alas. But let the spirit of the season be upon you anyway: think of light and air and pastels, and take time to smell the roses. Just don’t get grass stains on your Sunday best.

il libro dimenticato (sign of the forgotten book): Mere idiocy reigns supreme, and you will ride on its coattails. Rewards will be many, and plentiful, and welcome. But don’t get too carried away — you’re only as good as your next success.

il gnocchi avanzi (sign of the leftover potato dumpling): You work and you plan and you study and you practice, and it all comes to naught once more, while those around you with less to offer blaze trails of success and fortune. Consider homicide, not suicide.

il pressa enologic (sign of the wine press): Your “associate” is cheating you, and he knows that you know it. Watch out for double dealing, and know that you may soon need to leave this unhealthy relationship behind. He won’t accept this breakup lightly.

il pugnale avvelenata (sign of the poisoned dagger): Looking good and sounding good have never been a problem for you.. but sometimes the follow-through — doing good — eludes you. Then again, that’s never bothered you before, so don’t let it harry you too greatly.

il ratto nero infetto con peste (sign of the plague-infected black rat): All your scheming comes to naught this week as a carefully constructed house of cards not of your making traps you in an equally carefully planned collapse. Some will suspect you of involvement. It’s always best to deny everything, even when that’s actually true.

il monarca lieto (sign of the joyful king): Subtlety and grace are powerful weapons — use them to turn those who would thwart you. Remember who you are, for those around you never forget, and will do much to remain in your orbit.

il pittore pazzo (sign of the mad painter): Hopefulness is the drug of the weak; tender is the night of the iguana. Twelve is the secret, though few acknowledge its wisdom, as they fail to recognize pencil shavings. Spaghetti string tops are evil. Sponge.

(catch up with the unfolding story of cinemastrology here)



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