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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

cinemastrology controls the lives of Sharon Stone and Matthew McConaughey?

My cinemastrology informant sent me part of two Filamadamus’s sonnets this week and challenged me to find the bizarre celebrity behavior that was clearly inspired by them. The first:

Though pecorino does improve with time
Man find years try strength of leg and lung.
Wiser than he fortify’d by draft of wine
Is he restore’d by damsels fleet and young

Now, that has gotta be what was behind Matthew McConaughey’s encounter with two junior-high school girls, as People magazine described it:

On location in Huntington, W.Va., where he is filming We Are Marshall, a drama about a 1970 plane crash that claimed the lives of nearly an entire college football team, McConaughey was jogging around the Marshall University track when two middle-school girls challenged him to a 400-meter race.

Never one to resist a contest, McConaughey accepted – and was beaten by a nose. Asked at a press conference on Saturday about the incident, McConaughey laughed: “Those little girls had very, very long legs.”

Oh, I’m sure you noticed that before the race, Mr. McConaughey. Eww.
The second snippet of sonnet:

When impulses of blood, suffered once or twice
Like burnt coffee bean scorch the madonna of stone
Nature trembles before her retribution cold as ice
The babe sent away, banish’d her own flesh and bone

And surely it was Sharon Stone who read that and took it to heart this week, as Page Six in the New York Post explains:

THERE’S a good reason why Sharon Stone had a first-class seat last Friday flying from New York to Los Angeles while her 9-month-old son, Laird, sat in coach with his nanny. “First class was sold out,” a spokeswoman explained. “She tried to get them seats in first class but couldn’t, and she didn’t want them on a separate plane.” Stone – whose “Basic Instinct 2” was savaged by critics and grossed a paltry $3.2 million its opening weekend – did venture back among the hoi polloi to visit her tot and to tell the nanny to keep him in his seat, for safety’s sake, even if he wailed – which he did.

Of course he wailed: they made him pay five bucks for a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels while Mom was quaffing $400-a-bottle champagne up front.



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