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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

the total made-up May movie preview


An American Haunting

When an 18th-century spook comes back to haunt a small-town McDonald’s, watch out! Poltergeists in the deep-fryer and apparations in the napkin dispenser raise merry hell, but the teenage employees fight back in a wild comedy of ghosts, ghouls, and Grilled Chicken Club Sandwiches(TM)! It’s all-American scares and laughs in this all-out summer blockbuster!

Sample dialogue: “I’ll have a bacon double cheeseburger and a supersize fries and AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

Trivia tidbit: 18,000 gallons of McShake mix were used in the ghost-drowning scene.


Homeschooled Republican children try to save a Hooters chain under attack by crazy liberal environmentalists — led by Jimmy Buffet in the performance of his career — who think the wholesome family restaurant is built on an ancient owl burial ground. The first family comedy from the people who brought you The Passion of the Christ and Die Michael Moore Die. Rated PG-13 for excessive titillating display of bazooms in tight shirts and self-indulgent Jimmy Buffet songs.

Sample dialogue: “As you know, you crazy liberal environmentalist type, this land is ours to do with as we please, owls be damned!”

Trivia tidbit: Teen sensation Logan Lerman would have voted for George Bush in 2004… if he’d been old enough!
Mission: Impossible III

A down-on-his-luck Orange County commuter (Tom Cruise, in the performance of his career!) searches high and low for a service station selling gas for under $3.45 a gallon (regular unleaded)… a quest that drives him bananas! His domestic partner (Philip Seymour Hoffman) begs him to come directly home after work in the Exxon PR office, but no deal: He’ll drive all the way to San Diego if he has to to top up the Escalade! Costarring Naveen Andrews as the wacky Iraqi gas-station owner.

Sample dialogue: “At these prices, I should be asking you if you want fries with that!”

Trivia tidbit: The spectacular explosion sequence consumed 18,000 gallons of ordinary consumer gasoline… at $3.45 a gallon!


Just My Luck

Massive consumer debt meets outrageous family comedy as a suburban mallrat (Linday Lohan) confronts Daddy over her credit-card expenditures, her best pals over her wardrobe (which is sooo last week!), and her new boyfriend, who thinks she’s too fat and sends her to Jenny Craig! What’s a modern girl to do in the face of all this agitta? Go shopping!

Sample dialogue: “Do you take AmEx? Cuz I think the Visa is like totally maxed out.”

Trivia tidbit: The production team shut down a SoCal shopping mall for an entire weekend for shooting, forcing desperate shoppers to drive another 3 miles to the next mall!


It’s old-fashioned — as in old-world — mythological horror as a stalwart band of 21st-century adventurers encounters the ancient god of the sea: Poseidon! Josh Lucas stars as the archaeologist/time traveler who accidentally leads a group of NYC subway riders through a time warp to the era of vengeful gods… and lovely maidens in togas! Will they survive to return home to 2006… or will they choose to stay in the past? Rated R for antediluvian attitudes, too-compliant slave girls, and epic battle sequences, all involving CGI characters.

Sample dialogue: “We simply cannot impose our liberal 21st-century politics on these noble people just because we don’t approve of them!”

Trivia tidbit: 18,000 cubic feet of fake sand was imported from Morocco to the production’s Prague soundstages to simulate the beaches of ancient Greece.


The Da Vinci Code

It’s classic noir intrigue as a down-on-his-luck painter (Tom Hanks) and a man disguised as a woman (Audrey Tautou, in the performance of her career!) discover an ancient secret about the Mona Lisa: it’s a fake! As they race to discover who really painted the mysterious portrait — and when, and why — they also discover that they have something to share with each other: love! The romantic drama of the summer: only at multiplexes!* (*Available for illegal download now!)

Sample dialogue: “Just like Mona, I am hiding a secret: I am not what I seem to be, and I’m afraid of what will happen when I tell you.”

Trivia tidbit: In order to film the spectacular Louvre explosion scene, the production used 18,000 fake copies of the Mona Lisa, all painted by the same artist in a marathon 24-hour orgy of art!

Over the Hedge

The art of animated film reaches its apex with this, the first entirely faithful all-cartoon version of Hamlet. Shakespeare’s classic drama of family angst, suicidal tendencies, and funny gravediggers comes to life as squirrels, hedgehogs, rats, and ordinary backyard bugs hoist the mantel of the bard. Your too too solid flesh will melt with laughter.

Sample dialogue: “To be, or not to be, that is the [!FART FX!]”

Trivia tidbit: Bruce Willis originally turned down the role of Hamlet Hedgehog… until he heard it was being offered to William Shatner!


X-Men: The Last Stand

What happens when a near-future fundamentalist Christian regime takes over America… and tries to shut down the porno industry? Sexy revolt, that’s what! The last soldiers of the XXX revolution band together to fight the buttoned-down forces of prudity… with hilarious results. Watch for the wild orgy scene! Rated R for nonstop sex, violence, and politically incorrect humor, all involving plastically augmented humans.

Sample dialogue: “Oh, yes… oh, yes… oh, yes… OH NO!!!”

Trivia tidbit: That gorgeous pair of wings porn star Falcon sports? They’re made of 18,000 dove feathers that were painstakingly plucked from live birds and hand-glued to a lightweight frame.

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easter eggs
  • Hey Man, the da vinci code is not about trying to find who really painted the Mona Lisa. If you read the book and saw the movie you would know that it was about a murder in the louvre and trying to find who killed him and in the process discover that they were now on a Holy Grail quest trying to find out the truth about Mary Magdeline which really is not true. So please don’t make that mistake again.

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