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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

Click (review)

The M*king of Cl**k

You wouldn’t believe all the anonymous crap I receive every day in hand-lettered brown envelopes slipped through the mail slot or via “mysterious” phone calls from would-be shady characters who think they’ve stumbled across an unproduced Ed Wood script or incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Brangelina baby is an alien and/or looks suspiciously like Billy Bob Thornton. Usually I just file for another restraining order and go on with my day.

This one was kinda interesting, though. I received it as an audiotape that purports to be a recording of an early script meeting for the new film Click. Can I vouch for its authenticity? No. But if it isn’t real, there’s a spectacularly convincing Adam Sandler soundalike in on the joke. The sound quality is not good, as if the recorder were hidden — if the tape is real, it was certainly made without the knowledge of at least some of the participants. Some parts I’ve redacted in the interest of decorum — there are only so many f-bombs even I want to deal with — and in the interest of not getting sued. But I think the idea of what’s being said comes across plenty clear.

The idea? Happy Madison ain’t so happy after all.
[tape begins midconversation, as if perhaps this were not the first tape in a series]

SANDLER: –win a f**kin’ Oscar, man! I’m f**kin’ sick and tired of being a f**kin’ joke!

MALE VOICE 1: But Adam– I mean, Mr. Sandler, you ARE a joke.

SANDLER: What the f**k did you just say?!

MALE VOICE 1: I mean, you’re funny, man. Sir. Audiences like you ’cause you’re funny.

SANDLER: Motherf**king c**ks**king audiences. I’m f**kin’ sick of them. All they ever f**kin’ want is f**kin’ fart jokes and a f**kin’ dog humpin’ my leg and shit. Christ!

MALE VOICE 2: I think what we’ve been trying to say is that we’re not sure it can work. [long pause] We really don’t think it would be a good idea to remake It’s a Wonderful Life with you in the Jimmy Stewart part.

SANDLER: F**k that shit! Why the f**k not?! People liked Jimmy Stewart, people like me. What’s the f**kin’ difference? If they can f**kin’ s**k Jimmy f**kin’ Stewart’s d**k and think he’s all classic and shit, they can do that for me.

MALE VOICE 2: It’s just that… well, look at it this way. You know the scene when they fall into the pool?


MALE VOICE 2: Well, in an Adam Sandler movie, it would have to be a cesspool.

SANDLER: [guffaws of laughter] Oh, man, that’d be f**kin’ awesome! That’s great. I knew you c**ks**kers could do it! Write that down! Don’t forget that!

[about 20 minutes of discussion follows during which Sandler and the two male voices — whom I believe are screenwriters Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe — hash out how to add toilet humor to It’s a Wonderful Life]

FEMALE VOICE: Ummmm, Mr. Sandler, sir?

SANDLER: What the f**k?

FEMALE VOICE: Well, sir, I’ve been doing some research online while you’ve been talking, and it seems that the rights to It’s a Wonderful Life are not available.

SANDLER: Why the f**k not?

FEMALE VOICE: It seems that they’re tied up in some sort of issue over Frank Capra’s estate.

[ed. note: I’m not sure that this is true. I think this may have been merely the quick thinking of a Happy Madison intern attempting to save a classic film from a savaging.]

SANDLER: Motherf**ker! Shit!… Wait a f**kin’ second! You c**ks**kers wrote that piece of shit Nic Cage movie Family Man, right? The one that f**kin’ ripped off It’s a Wonderful Life. Didn’t you?

MALE VOICE 1: Er, no, sir. We wrote Bruce Almighty.

SANDLER: Oh man! That’s even f**kin’ better. Write me a motherf**kin’ Bruce Almighty.

[long silence]

SANDLER: Well, what have you assholes got for me?

MALE VOICE 2: We do have one idea, Mr. Sandler, sir. It’s about a universal remote control.

SANDLER: So the f**k what? I got f**kin’ remote controls comin’ outta my ass.

MALE VOICE 2: Yeah, but do any of them control the universe? You know, you could use it to mute your wife when she’s nagging, fast-forward through all the boring stuff in life, like your kids whining, and use it to give yourself more time to suck up to the boss.

SANDLER: I don’t suck up to nobody.

MALE VOICE 1: Well, no, not YOU, sir. But the “Adam Sandler” character in your movies. He would do that.

MALE VOICE 2: Right! But he’d learn that all the stuff he was fast-forwarding through was actually the really important stuff in life. Like, maybe… maybe he could miss it when his dog died, and when he stopped fast-forwarding and discovered what he’d missed, he could be really upset about that.

MALE VOICE 1: Right, he really loved that dog.

SANDLER: The dog’s gotta f**kin’ hump something. Not my leg.

MALE VOICE 2: Oh, yeah, of course the dog’s gotta hump something. Maybe, I don’t know, a giant stuffed animal.

SANDLER: And there’s gotta be like tons of f**kin’ hot chicks all over, like maybe in my office. ’Cause it’s a guy fantasy, right, shuttin’ up the wife and kids and shit, right?

MALE VOICE 1: Definitely.

MALE VOICE 2: Absolutely.

SANDLER: And like one really f**kin’ ugly mannish chick, too. That’d be f**kin’ funny.

MALE VOICE 1: I don’t see what that would have to do with anything–

SANDLER: ’Cause that’d be F**KIN’ FUNNY!

MALE VOICE 1: Right. Of course.

SANDLER: And some amazingly f**kin’ hot chick’s gotta play my wife.

MALE VOICE 2: Of course. Someone really gorgeous.

MALE VOICE 1: Yeah, and we’ll make a joke about how a schlub like Sandler — pardon the expression, sir — could have possibly snagged someone, oh, hey, maybe like [redacted] or [redacted] or Kate Beckinsale, and then we won’t have to explain it.

SANDLER: I ain’t workin’ with that f**kin’ slut [redacted] or a skank like [redacted]. But Beckinsale’s pretty cute. So, like, I’d use the remote to go on slo-mo when I’m f**kin’ her, right?

MALE VOICE 2: No, no. You’ve got you’re priorities all screwed up. You’re working all the time, ignoring her. You’re fast-forwarding through making love to her.

SANDLER: I’m f**kin’ WHAT?!

MALE VOICE 1: Yes! You see, at the end, you learn that you spent your whole life on autopilot and missed all the good stuff.

SANDLER: Like the dog dyin’. And f**king Kate Beckinsale.

MALE VOICE 2: Exactly.

SANDLER: And people like this shit? They need to be told that f**king Kate Beckinsale is better than goin’ to f**kin’ work all the time?

MALE VOICE 1: They eat it up, sir.

SANDLER: Goddamn. Well, you c**ks**kers are the motherf**kin’ experts. This better work. But I swear to Christ, I want a big motherf**kin’ ending. I mean big swelling music and shit, and slow motion and, like, me f**kin’ running in the rain, all dramatic, like a big f**kin’ Oscar clip.

MALE VOICE 2: You got it.

SANDLER: F**kin’ A.

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MPAA: rated PG-13 for language, crude and sex related humor and some drug references

viewed at a semipublic screening with an audience of critics and ordinary moviegoers

official site | IMDb
  • I’m quite surprised at Adam not using the word “Sweet” to describe his excitement. He does that a lot, y’know. I enjoyed his appearance in “Undeclared”.

  • MaryAnn Johanson

    I was kinda going for a “Sandler ain’t the nice ordinary guy you think he is” kinda thing. Cuz how could he be? He’s a freakin’ millionaire. I don’t care if he does spend 10 hours a day playing videogames — there’s no way you can have that kind of money and still be a regular person.

  • Great stuff, MJ. This passage made me giggle somewhat audibly:

    SANDLER: And people like this shit? They need to be told that f**king Kate Beckinsale is better than goin’ to f**kin’ work all the time.

    (Did you want a second question mark at the end tho?) ;)

  • Miguel

    absolutely love your piece, almost as much as your classic ‘Crossroads’ review, out of the pages of Britney’s diary.

    And I HATED Click, but I must admit I am in a very emotionally vulnerable moment in my life and I cried not because the writing or the acting (cant’ tell which one was worse)… it is the son’s wedding when he looks at his mother and she’s old and he says ‘you’re the best’.
    I have moved to Australia permanently and my mother stayed behind. She will not join me here. Time will pass and she will get old and one day I’ll be like that idiotic Adam Sandler character, looking at her and understanding that my decisions come with a high price to pay. Of course I don’t need to fast forward my life to know that time is unforgiving.
    Sorry to invade your space with such intimate details… I still have to decide which one I hate the most, Click, Mr. Deeds or Little Nicky. Sandler has such an exquisite filmography, it’s hard to pick his worst work to date.

  • MaryAnn Johanson

    Be as intimate as you like, Miguel. As long as you’re aware that the whole world is reading this site. :->

    Yes, Scott, there was indeed a question mark missing. I added it. Thanks for pointing it out.

  • Well, the whole world is not necessarily reading this site. But I’d like to think that most sighted and literate people with internet access are…

    But seriously, folks…

    I had no idea that the real-life Adam Sandler was that eloquent….

    Next thing you know, they’ll be making a Broadway musical out of one of his movies, but hey, we all know that THAT would never happen…

  • MisterBadIdea

    I read the review and thought, no way is Sandler like that in real life, he always seems like such a decent, humble guy.

    After watching the movie, I find your scenario much more believable.

  • MaryAnn Johanson

    “Well, the whole world is not necessarily reading this site.”

    WHAT? How can I force them to do so?

  • David C

    Great reviews *and* great investigative journalism? How can the world resist?

  • Rory L. Aronsky

    “WHAT? How can I force them to do so?”

    Mind control. It’s cheap, easy, and there’s a secret room at the 99 Cents Only store I sometimes go to that has all the equipment for it and the instruction manual. As soon as I find a box the size of a thimble (there’s an even tinier button on the side that you need a magnifying glass to find and once you do, the machine rises into its ginormous size), you’ll have it. ;)

  • I loved the movie. Much better than i expected.
    I only wish they had ended the film at the scene in the parking lot. That would have been more powerful.

  • MaryAnn

    Ending on the scene in the parking lot would have been awesome. That was the funniest scene in the movie!

  • Jar

    Something for the boors with the X chromosome and something for those without it:

    So there were all those crappy romantic comedies
    apparently targeting women and of course about 99% of them are insipid, sappy, depressingly unintelligent, obvious, annoying etc.

    But I minded the old kind much less than this new breed of more dishonest crap: saccharine romcoms that think they “have a message”, “have insights into complex human relationships” are “smart”…etc. etc.”.

    Particularly egregious examples of this phenomenon would be :

    “In her shoes”(AWFUL movie), “Phat girls” (double yuck), “13 going on 30”, “Bridget Jones”(UGH), “Ya Ya sisterhood” etc. etc.

    These are aimed, I presume at the middle-brow woman who wouldn’t confess to liking your average rubbishy romantic comedy, but secretly likes that type of fare.

    So throw in some schmaltzy Lifetime Network meets Dr.Phil type “insights” and other pretension in there and now they feel better about liking this garbage.

    So “Click” I guess is the corresponding thing for the “doods”, who in statistically significant no.s seem to like Sandler’s gross, scatology-ridden crap. But ya know..it ain’t just empty crap any more…It all deep and stuff dude.

    I bet Bush will watch it…Its more important than “An Inconvenient truth” afterall, with those like insights and stuff….


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