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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

say what? 2006: new ‘Eragon’ quote

It had to be done: all in one place, the very best bad dialogue of the year 2006. No ranking — newer quotes are posted at the top. [Warning: May contain spoilers.]

“I suffer without my stone.”
–King Galbatorix (John Malkovich), about his missing dragon egg, Eragon
“He ain’t retarded, he’s misunderstood.”
–Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermey), on Leatherface, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

“I think you’d rather fuck me than kill me. But you don’t have the guts to do either.”
–femme fatale, The Black Dahlia

“How about I make you my wee-yotch?”
–bad boy witch, The Covenant

“Harry Potter can kiss my ass!”
–not Draco Malfoy, The Covenant

“Our daughter is part of your worst harvest in years!”
–Edward (Nicolas Cage) to Willow, The Wicker Man

“I got the gun from work. It’s part of a program for ex-cons.”
–O2 (Tyrese Gibson), Waist Deep

“Where’s your bathroom? I gotta shit.”
–O2 (Tyrese Gibson), Waist Deep

“Why don’t you nice boys let your cars do the talking? Winner gets me!”
–idiot girl, pimping herself, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

“One car in exchange for knowing what a man is made of? That’s a price I can live with.”
–Han (Sung Kang), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

“I don’t have to be psychic to see that something’s bothering you.”
–Xavier (Patrick Stewart), to Storm, X-Men: The Last Stand

“Magneto wants a war, we’ll give him one.”
–the President of the United States (Josef Sommer), X-Men: The Last Stand

“I have to get to a library — fast!”
–Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks), The Da Vinci Code

“I can’t imagine beginning the day without licking myself.”
–Nigel the koala bear (the voice of Eddie Izzard), The Wild

“Do we not have the party hats of death?”
–Nigel the koala bear (the voice of Eddie Izzard), The Wild

“Top of the food chain, Ma!”
–Kazar the wildebeest (the voice of William Shatner), The Wild

“You know, that’s the nightmare of shrinkdom: too many questions, too many answers, nobody gets laid.”
–Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone), Basic Instinct 2

“Isn’t it possible that you want me to be the killer? You know, how some guys are into blondes and some guys are into killers?”
–Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) to Dr. Michael Glass, Basic Instinct 2

“I got the toughest mob in the world — I’m the law.”
–Detective Rydell (Chazz Palminteri), Running Scared

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  • What? You never had a burning urge to travel to the nearest library in the middle of the night or anything? (Not that most libraries are necessarily open in the middle of night, but hey, you never know.)

    Anyway, maybe this quote will start a trend:

    1. Did I read one book–or two?

    2. Give him a bibliography he can’t refuse.

    3. I read dead people.

    4. I don’t know where you’re taking this book, but one look at you and I know it’s going to be hot…

    Not to mention:

    5. Indy! The library is closing up!!!!

  • MaryAnn Johanson

    Indiana Jones and Daniel Jackson make libraries sexy. Would that ‘The Da Vinci Code’ did the same thing…

  • I’d have to add another from The Da Vinci Code:

    Robert Langdon: A-P-P-L-E…Apple!

    That line said a lot about the film, really. Tom Hanks looked positively embarrassed delivering it.

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