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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

FYI: I probably HAVE seen your favorite damn movie, okay?

I get these emails all the time: Joe or Jane Bloe is absolutely indignant, can’t believe that I have not seen The Best Movie Evar, which just coincidentally also happens to be Joe or Jane’s most favoritest movie, too. Joe or Jane made this determination — that I haven’t seen this film — because there’s no review of it here. Usually, this shocking oversight on my part is a clear indication that I am Not A Real Critic, Not Serious About Movies, or Just A Big Fat Moron.

(A much more hilarious subcategory of these kinds of emails is the one in which Jack or Joan Schmoe is absolutely indignant, can’t believe that I have not seen The Best Movie Evar: The Sequel, which just coincidentally also happens to be Jack or Joan’s most favoritest movie, too. Jack or Joan made this determination — that I haven’t seen this film — because he or she looked at a subsection of the site [say, my top 100 listing] and didn’t see a review there. Jack or Joan clearly missed the “all reviews” link prominently hidden at the top of every page on the site, because if he or she hadn’t overlooked that link, he or she would have noticed that not only have I indeed seen The Best Movie Evar: The Sequel, I have indeed reviewed it, too.)

The mind, she boggles.

Look, I’m not sure why anyone would assume that I’ve reviewed every single movie I’ve ever seen. I can assure you that I have not. Even come that glorious day when I am making a disgustingly overpaid living doing nothing but watching, thinking about, and reviewing movies — and am not still hiring myself out in other, non-movie-related freelance writing and editing capacities — there still will not be enough time in the day to review every movie I see. And even if there were enough time, there sometimes isn’t anything enlightening to say that hasn’t already been said about a particular movie. And there will always be other movies — pointless, stupid ones — about which there is nothing intelligent or interesting to be said. That’s just how it is.



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