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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Golden Globes “Winners Special” makes me wanna poke my eyes out

How about that Golden Globes Winners Special? Wasn’t it special? Wasn’t it exciting? Why, it had all the glitz and glamour of the Golden Globes without any of the mess of the glitz and glamour!

From now on, whenever anyone complains that awards shows are dull, we must sit them down and force them to rewatch this excruciating exercise in pretending things aren’t as troubled in the big Hollywood family as the ongoing strife of the WGA strike would suggest. Look! Over there! It’s Keira Knightley in gorgeous green… in that movie she’s in! Look! Over here! It’s George Clooney looking sharp… in that movie he’s in! Hey! Come check out this blurry clip from that one TV show with those people we really really like! Wow! Ain’t Hollywood grand?!
Seriously, who is this Billy Bush guy, and can we please have an act of Congress or maybe a UN resolution to keep him from ever leaving his house again? David Duchovny wins Best Actor in a comedy TV series, and Bush’s response is to insist that Californication isn’t actually a comedy, it’s just really cool? Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress in a comedy or musical movie, and he banters back about how it’s kinda funny that La Vie en Rose isn’t actually a comedy or a musical but a drama with music and that’s okay cuz hey, we just think she’s supergreat and wanted to give her an award? I can’t believe I’m defending the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the biggest bunch of starfuckers after the National Board of Review, but come on: at least pretend to grant them the integrity of their own awards categories. I mean, if we’re going to buy into all this nonsense at all.

And wasn’t it the both of them — Bush and the scary plastic girl with the orange arms that were either way overly fake-tanned or horrendously poorly lit — who suggested that Katherine Heigl really should have won, honestly, because it’s her year, what with how wonderful Knocked Up (for which she was not nominated) was getting married and all? Man, way to disappoint a girl, Hollywood Foreign Press meanies!

The entire hour just proved how pretty entertaining ordinary awards shows are, and how desperately we need the writers back. God forbid the Oscars looks like this.

The complete list of nominees and winners is here.

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  • JT

    I watched a few minutes on NBC before I switched over to CNN to see the announcements live. I’m glad I did. NBC had an hour long show with delayed results.

    Meanwhile, CNN had a 30 minute show and was broadcasting it live from the stage where they announce nominees. They showed movie clips and opened envelopes just like a regular award show and there was applause from the media gathered there.

    Plus, there was commentary from an off-screen Larry King in between categories. For instance, when Johnny Depp won Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy, Larry bellowed “I can’t believe they didn’t nominate Daniel Day-Lewis!”, forgetting that there was a different category for Drama. Maybe it’s wrong to laugh at someone’s senility, but anything is better than that imbecile, Billy Bush. Is it possible he’s a bigger tool than Cousin Dubya?

    But I miss the real award show feel. It’s all about seeing people win and hearing their acceptance speeches for me, especially first time winners.

  • Unknown.

    Amen to that. Go ahead, delete this.

  • I like the Golden Globes, as they’re generally a more fun awards show.

    I thought NBC would do the logical thing and have actual members of the Hollywood Foreign Press read their own press release.

    But no…!

    And, as I was not feeling well last night, I didn’t have the sense to channel surf around and see if anyone else was handling the announcements any better.

    The hosts were dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. They seem like contestants on “American Idol, the Award Host Edition.” And why even bother to have the other two people, also unknowns and fairly stupid, who popped up two or three times and added absolutely nothing.

    As for the award winners themselves, I didn’t really have a major complaint with any of them. Atonement is a classic “Best Drama” kind of picture. I would have preferred to see Viggo Mortensen win over Daniel Day-Lewis, but what the hell.

  • Oh my God. If you need to laugh at the Golden Globes, read this very funny “fantasy take” on the Golden Globes that Entertainment Weekly is running today.

  • Am I the only one who’s just awash in schadenfreude over the whole thing? I mean everybody ended up with egg on their face over this… with the exception of the stars, who didn’t show up. I’m hoping valuable lessons were learned and that the Oscars get their act together, and all that. But I can’t help pointing and cackling fiendishly at the glorious flaming train wreck of it all.

    Does that make me a bad person?

  • MaryAnn

    Not at all, Rob. I laughed a lot, and not kindly, over last night’s fiasco.

    CNN had a 30 minute show and was broadcasting it live from the stage where they announce nominees.

    Oh, man, I wish I’d known that!

  • WriterGuy

    I agree, MaryAnn. The Golden Globes for this year were a trainwreck. But the question I ask myself is this: why do they crucify themselves more and more with each passing day? Companies such as Disney shouldn’t let this go on any longer; writers are the basis of the film business, and they deserve as many perks as anyone else. And what about the comments some people made at the GG that were intentionally stabbing at them? How rude. And how idiotic that some corporations would hold out this long.

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