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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

what the ‘Cloverfield’ monster could be…

Paramount is keeping a tight lid on the secret of what, exactly, is rampaging through Manhattan in the new monster movie Cloverfield, opening on Friday. Needless to say, I’ve got a few ideas:

• a giant pigeon made super-ginormous by genetically engineered breadcrumbs

• the bloated ego of Donald Trump
• the psychic manifestation of the united outrage of MTA subway riders over the proposed subway fare hike

• a hive creature made up of rampaging European tourists on a deflated-dollar shopping spree

• a Vogue senior editor whose assistant just brought her a grande latte with whole milk instead of skim

• the psychic manifestation of the united bemusement of MTA bus riders over the mysterious (and presumably expensive) replacement of bus shelters… while the MTA is simultaneously proposing a fare hike

• visitor from Iowa, lost, afraid to ask for directions to the big Toys ’R’ Us in Times Square

• the life-size animatronic dinosaur from the big Toys ’R’ Us in Times Square

• Gawker mogul Nick Denton

• the collective ghost of corrupt Tammany Hall politicians

• the swelled head of New York governor Eliot Spitzer, inflated by the gratitude of New Yorkers over his rollback of the proposed subway fare increase

• subway rat, ordinary size

• the bloated ego of Carrie Bradshaw

• Rudy Giuliani

(inspired by the comments to this posting)

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  • PaulW

    no no, the monster is Mr. Stay Puft. He’s only *voting* for Giuliani.

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