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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

daily list: 5 entertainment mergers I’d love to see

So, the news came yesterday that pseudo-indie production company New Line is being absorbed by its parent company, Time Warner. That sounds kinda icky, like something out of a science fiction horror movie — eww, that dude just got absorbed! But on the other hand, if it means a concentrated refocusing on making fewer and better movies, as an article in today’s Hollywood Reporter suggests, then maybe it’ll be a good thing.

In fact, it gets me thinking: What other entertainment entities could do with a bit of absorbing? I can imagine a few more Hollywood news reports…
1. “Talent agency CAA announced today that its client Martin Lawrence is to be absorbed by another CAA property, Chris Tucker. ‘We feel, going foward,’ a CAA spokesperson said yesterday, ‘that the market for African-American performers who specialize in minstrel-show throwbacks is oversaturated at this point, and that consolidating the available talent will benefit everyone.’”

2. “The Gawker watercooler is abuzz with rumors — unconfirmed! unconfirmed! — that Kate Hudson is slated to be absorbed by Katherine Heigl. We think it’s a great idea. Hudson has clearly outlived her usefulness (if she ever had any to start with) and Heigl has already knocked her off the ditzy blond throne. Hollywood only needs one cute Kate H. at a time, right?”

3. “NEWSFLASH!!!! AICN spies tell us that Quentin Tarantino is about to be absorbed by Robert Rodriguez!!!! We’re hearing from both PULP FRICTION whose given us lots of good Tarantino news before and Rodriguez watcher SPYKID that the aborbtion is gonna happen before the end of the week!!! Shouldbe good for lots of kickass mov ies that kick ass way better than before!!!!”

4. “Representatives from Marvel Comics and DC Comics announced at a packed press conference today an unprecedented joint venture in which DC character Captain Marvel will be absorbed by Marvel character Captain America. ‘There were a lot of reason for going forward with this new project,’ a Marvel spokesman said, ‘not the least of which is how DC totally ripped off Marvel Comics for the name for their so-called superhero.’ ‘Dude,’ a DC spokesman said, ‘that is so totally not true.’”

5. “And now this CNN breaking news. At midnight Eastern time on Monday, TV will be absorbed the Internet. All the major television networks are to become Web sites on the World Wide Web. We’ve called in our technology and entertainment analysts to discuss this breaking news…”

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  • Heh.

    But shouldn’t it be Martin Lawrence absorbing Chris Tucker, and not the other way around? After all, a Yakuza gangster who’s messed up two jobs could still count all of the movies that Chris Tucker has made since 1998 on one hand:

    Rush Hour
    Rush Hour 2
    Rush Hour 3

  • JSW

    Actually, Marvel already has a Captain Marvel character. Sure, he’s dead but then so is Captain America.

  • MaryAnn

    I think I hate Martin Lawrence more than I hate Chris Tucker precisely because Lawrence has made more movies than Tucker has.

  • “minstrel-show throwbacks”


  • Actually, I am curious to know what MaryAnn thinks about the fact that Martin Lawrence, he of the coked-up-standing-out-in-the-middle-of-the-street-in-the-middle-of-the-summer-wearing-a-fur-coat-and-shouting-obscenities-at-everyone-around-him performance, is single-handedly delivering one of the signs of the Apocalypse by starring in a G-rated Disney movie alongside (shock!) Donny Osmond and a more-cute-than-should-be-legal piglet.

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