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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

daily list: 7 ways to make next year’s Oscars not the lowest rated ever

Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony made history: by garnering the fewest viewers ever for an Oscars telecast. Apparently there are many different reasons why no one gave a crap this year: not enough of the nominated movies appealed to women, and even though the nominees were mostly “guy” movies, guys didn’t want to see them either; damn foreign Europeans with funny accents won all the acting awards; and Miley Cyrus didn’t appear on the Oscar telecast till after the bedtimes of her tween fans. That’s right: it’s all Hannah Montana’s fault.

But strategies are afoot to ensure that this same disaster does not befall the Oscars ceremony next year. Here’s what the masters of Hollywood are proposing:
1. All movies henceforth will be required to show a “woman’s touch.” This may manifest itself in pretty vases of flowers placed around the movie, a pleasant aroma of baking cookies emanating from the screen, or the movie coming over to your house and picking up the dirty clothes you left laying all over the bathroom again.

2. Oprah will host. All audience members at the Kodak Theater will find Oscars under their seats.

3. All non-American nominees will henceforth be denied visas to enter the U.S. to attend the Oscars unless they sign a binding agreement to refuse their statuettes, should they win, and immediately cede the win to the nominee with the most American-sounding name.

4. New category: Best Peformance by a Damn Foreigner Pretending to be a Decent American. (Note: the caveats of No. 3 still hold — no damn foreigner may actually win in this category.)

5. There will be mandatory nominations in all major categories every year for a movie from one of the following filmmakers: Michael Bay, John Woo, Tony Scott, Quentin Tarantino, Brett Ratner, or Roland Emmerich.

6. New categories: Best Explosions, Best Swearing (Adapted from Actual Cursewords), Best Swearing (Invented), Best Naked Boobs.

7. The cast of High School Musical will perform all original-song nominees, all before 9pm.

8. There will be mandatory nominations for any film breaking $150 million at the box office.

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  • Oh, good. I was confused by Sunday’s ceremony because it looked as though the Academy had forgotten that the Oscars are a popularity contest and gave awards to some movies that actually deserved them. We don’t need *that* nonsense becoming a trend.

    (On a less sarcastic note, there should totally be a “Best Swearing (Invented)” category. I worked at a convenience store for a while, and I owe a debt of gratitude to “Firefly” and “Red Dwarf” for helping me to swear without offending customers.)

  • seems to me that #1 and #2 are completely at odds with #5 and #6… how will that work? perhaps michael bay can blow up vases of flowers while oprah weeps?

    and, Cathryn, the swear words in Firefly aren’t all “made up”… the chinese words are actual swear words — they’re just in chinese. for some really good made up swear words check out the movie “Johnnie Dangerously”.

  • MaSch

    To 1.):

    Somehow I pictured you as Mrs. Lovett (the movie finally hit Germany! And I’ve seen it undubbed!) when she talks about flowers relieving the gloom, while Sweeney wants revenge.

    Which leads me to two questions:

    – Were the nominated movies inhabited by homocidal maniacs?

    – Are you baking meat-pies for your day-job?

    To 5.) Roland Emmerich also is a darned foreigner, though I won’t mention, which country he’s from.

  • Yes, Jonathan Swift! ;->

    I just hate the way television and minor movie people are on the show to help bump up the ratings. Sure, Miley Cyrus is something of a phenomenon just now, but is her movie any good? 10-year-olds seem to think so.

    I thought the reason why overly violent movies like No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood were so Oscar-nominated had a lot to do with more younger Oscar voters.

  • I believe a hearty ‘LOL’ is in order.

  • PaulW

    Best Gratuitous Use of the Word Belgium? Again?!

    Seriously, if they want to improve ratings for the Oscar shows, try this:

    1) Start earlier. They start Super Bowls at 6 pm EST no matter where the game’s played.
    2) No stupid people and no lame-ass jokes for presenting any awards.
    2a) That means no Jerry Seinfeld or those morons who thought they were Halle and Judi.
    3) No commercial breaks. Just give the awards out, boom boom boom. Get it done under 2 hours.
    4) Allow drinking of alcohol before and during the ceremonies. Drunken victory speeches and drunken loser brawls = higher ratings.
    5) Have a section of the show dedicated to a review of award winners ten years prior. If the Best Picture turned out to be a dud choice (you know, Dances With Wolves compared to Goodfellas), revoke that award and congratulate the real winner.

  • MaryAnn

    No commercial breaks.

    That will never happen. Even the lowest rated Oscars ever is still a huge audience, and a bonanza for advertisers.

  • “and, Cathryn, the swear words in Firefly aren’t all “made up”… the chinese words are actual swear words — they’re just in chinese.”

    Oh, I’m aware! I was referring to the convenience of being able to mutter “gorram thing” when the lottery machine or what-have-you was being uncooperative. I never did have the level of commitment required to look up and memorize the Chinese swears. *g*

  • hdj

    In history class today my teacher likes to do a segment
    called “current events”. And he talked about how bad the ratings did and then he asked who watched it, and I was the only guy who raised their hand. Then he asked if we knew who won best picture. I was the only guy who knew that as well. Then the girl in front of me was like “Shoulda been Juno…..”. I honestly don’t know what would raise the ratings maybe if every movie nominated was Junoish, perhaps.
    Another thing I think that hurts the show is the life time achievement award, I dont wanna sound like an A-hole but damn its like ” ok you got it the award and where clapping NOW GET OFF THE STAGE”. And they always start with,” I remember I was nobody”, and it goes on and on and on.

  • Pedro

    Jerry Seinfeld is God.

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