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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

opening wide today: ‘Vantage Point,’ ‘Witless Protection,’ ‘Charlie Bartlett,’ ‘Be Kind Rewind’

Vantage Point
The attempted assassination of U.S. President William Hurt is retold from the perspectives of multiple witnesses, all of whom point the finger at the creepy old amusement park owner, who probably would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids. (my review is coming tomorrow, probably)

Witless Protection
Larry the Cable Guy — yes, that is his real name — is back in a tender tale of love, hope, and salvation in a rural 19th-century farm community. Expect this one to be on critics’ top-10 lists come year’s end, and watch for Larry’s first Oscar nomination next winter, and maybe even the first Nobel Prize for film. No, not really. (not screened for critics; like you’re shocked to hear that)

Charlie Bartlett
This is what happens when you get teenagers hopped up on prescription uppers, downers, and mood-evener-outers: you create a monster of Ferris Bueller-esque proportions. Up-and-comer Anton Yelchin stars as the titular teen guru, who will make you see life through Prozac-colored glasses. (my review)

Be Kind Rewind
Jack Black gets electrocuted — I bet that happens to him all the time — and accidentally demagnetizes all the videotapes in Mos Def’s video-rental store, so the two of them reshoot all the movies so the customers won’t notice. It’s a fantasy, of course: who owns a VCR anymore? (my review is coming tomorrow, probably)

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  • “Larry the Cable Guy — yes, that is his real name”

    Um, no. His real name is Dan Whitney, even if he doesn’t get credited under it.

  • MaryAnn

    What?! You’re kidding! You mean his parents DIDN’T name him “Larry the Cable Guy”? Never!

    And in case you didn’t get *that* instance of sarcasm, either: Dude, that bit about his real name was, you know, sarcastic. Seriously, do you honestly think anyone would believe that “Larry the Cable Guy” is a real name?

  • Sounds a bit like the story about how Englebert Humperdinck got his name… according to Eddie Izzard:

    And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That’s not his real name; he’s from Britain, but that’s not his name. There’s very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said,

    “What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school?”

    “We shall call him Engelbert!”

    “Good, that’ll work!” [thumbs up]

    No, his name was Gerry Dorsey, and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey, songs such as [mumbles] which didn’t work ‘cause nobody could hear what he was saying. And then his managers, obviously, said, “We’re going to change your name, Gerry! It’s the name that’s the problem.” And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.

    “Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! Slut Bunwalla!”


    “All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle…”

    “No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!”

    “No, we can’t do it… Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…”

    “No, no, go back one. Go back one. ‘Engelbert Humperdinck’. That’s it.”

  • MaryAnn

    The first time I heard Izzard do that bit, I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

  • Ryan

    You should get some sort of hardship pay for having to see Witless Protection.

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