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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

what not to say when you accept your Oscar

It looks like there’s a bit of a thaw happening between the striking WGA writers and the studios, and so maybe the Oscar ceremony, slated for February 24th, will be the usual shindig, and not a dull press conference thingie like the awful Golden Globes “event” was a few weeks ago.

If that’s the case, and we can look forward to glamorous stars delivering an array of acceptance speeches like we’re accustomed to, then I have some advice for how to hone those speeches so we can all actually enjoy them:
• Don’t act surprised. You totally deserved to win, and those other bastards didn’t.

• Don’t read us a list of names of people we’ve never heard of. Your friends know who you are, your kindergarten teacher has forgotten you, and you’re invariably gonna forget to mention your spouse or your brother, who’ll then hate you forever. Avoid that embarrassment by pretending to pay tribute to your fellow nominees. But:

• Don’t be too genuine when you spout stuff like “It’s an honor to be in such illustrious company,” or else we might believe you. Worse, the Academy might believe you, and next year they’ll vote for one of those losers instead of for you again.

• Don’t worry about having a couple of drinks or snorting a line or two before the ceremony. It’ll help you loosen up, and you don’t want to be nervous speaking in front of one billion people on live television, do you?

• Don’t dedicate your Oscar to the members of the WGA (unless you’re a member yourself), because you forgot to thank the guy who wrote the script that won you your SAG Award, and the writers are so sick of you actor jerks who think you do it all yourselves.

• Don’t dedicate your Oscar to Heath Ledger. It might seem like a nice idea, but it actually looks like you’re glomming onto our sadness to get a round of applause for yourself.

• Don’t thank Xenu. He’s an alien — he doesn’t care. Also, he hated your movie.

• Don’t thank Jesus. He hasn’t even seen your movie. He stopped going to the multiplex after George Lucas made Greedo shoot first.

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  • Katie

    All wonderful guidelines to follow. But the last two are priceless.

    And Han totally shot first!

  • Hdj

    Yeah these are great guidelines. It would avoid all those awkward moments where the veiwers are like “whys he saying that, hes embarrassing himself”.
    If I ever won Id go up totally wasted. All coked up,
    I don’t see whats so wrong about thanking Jesus, If i won Id thank him, I wouldn’t have a problem with expressing my belief to a million viewers.

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