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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

daily list: 8 alternate endings that don’t work

The Net is abuzz today with the news of the alternate ending to I Am Legend — which will apparently be on the DVD — that is so much better than what we actually saw in the theaters. You can watch it here; thanks to reader boz for pointing this out to me, and everyone else who emailed.

The truth is, though, that often those alternate endings are pretty lame. Check out the alternates we’ll be seeing on the DVDs of some of last year’s hottest films:
1. Atonement. Cecelia and Robbie open a pie shop — though their signature dessert, the one they’re famous for, is the Rhymes-With-Bundt Cake — and live happily ever after.

2. Sicko. In an exciting climax, the pharmaceutical and insurance CEOs holding Michael Moore captive in their secret island lair are taken out by a mob of angry endstage cancer victims energized by rage and not afraid to take it out on anyone who gets in their way.

3. No Country for Old Men. Tommy Lee Jones’s sheriff kills Javier Bardem in a hail of gunfire, then travels to Colombia to take out the drug cartels singlehanded.

4. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Jean-Dominique enjoys a miraculous recovery from his paralysis and ends up inspiring that mob that rescues Michael Moore with his rousing battle cries of “Universal single-payer health care for all!”

5. The Mist. An elite cadre of National Guard secretly rotated back from Iraq comes up with a plan to take out the monsters using the WMDs they located in a hidden bunker in Baqubah.

6. Michael Clayton. Clayton stiffs the cab driver on his fare, and a high-speed chase ensues through the streets of Manhattan.

7. Lars and the Real Girl. Ryan Gosling’s fairy godmother arrives and turns his lifesize sex toy into a real live girl.

8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Voldemort tells Harry that he is Harry’s father.

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  • emag42380

    There Will Be Blood: Daniel and Eli settle their feud peacefully with a nice game of bowling and then become business partners in a successful franchise of milkshake parlors.

  • The Mist: David gets out of the car at the end, grabs one of the monsters, and says, “Hey, this thing is plastic.”

  • MaryAnn, you give me giggles. :-)

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