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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

daily list: 8 extremely minor celebrity crimes

Poor Dawn Wells, better known as Gilligan’s Island’s Mary Ann: she’s enduring the public shame that comes when celebrities behave badly and it ends up in the newspapers and the blogs. What dreadful crime did she commit? Possession of marijuana. On her birthday (no kidding!). But don’t worry: the judge threw the book at her. She spent five horrific days in jail, was ordered to pay a stiff fine of $410.50, and now must endure six months of unsupervised parole.

These celebs are out of control, I tell ya. Out. Of. Con. Trol. It’s disgraceful. Just look what some other famous names and notorious faces has gotten up to lately:
1. Charlize Theron: jaywalking across West 57th Street in Manhattan. Punishment: broken heel

2. Joaquin Phoenix: utilizing a sidewalk in Costa Mesa, California, for purposes of transporting himself from one location to another; reportedly snarked at arresting office about “walking the line.” Punishment: enforced riding of bus for two weeks; enforced signing of autograph for arresting office

3. Patrick Dempsey: failure to pooperscoop his dog in Chicago park. Punishment: glares from passersby

4. Cate Blanchet: showed up at her aunt’s house without a casserole. Punishment: certain knowledge of aunt’s crushing disappointment

5. Justin Timberlake: public nose-picking. Punishment: shaming on Jezebel.com

6. Ann Coulter: overheard at Upper East Side restaurant calling Hillary Clinton a “freaked-up doody-head” [translation]. Punishment: President Hillary Clinton

7. Kevin Federline: being Kevin Federline. Punishment: time server as Mr. Britney Spears

8. Catherine Zeta-Jones: wore white after Labor Day. Punishment: visible panty line

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  • One of the local blog headlines here in Charlotte:

    Mary Ann Caught with Mary Jane

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