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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

daily list: 13 things as bona fide as ‘TMZ’

Good news, everyone! No need to feel like a guilty filthy dirty gossip slut anymore when you watch that hideous parade of celebrity meltdowns, lawsuits, mugshots, and shameless publicity whoring known as TMZ! For the FCC — that bastion of wisdom and, um, other wiseness — has ruled that TMZ is a “bona fide news program.”

It’s totally true! The FCC kinda had to rule this way, because 20 years ago, it ruled that Entertainment Tonight is also a “bona fide news program.” Also totally true! Which meant that the FCC kinda also had to rule that The 700 Club is a bona fide news program, too. Jesus wept! Not!

We are so bona fide in the United States of America that we are bursting with bona fide-ness. Look:
1. Matt Drudge is a bona fide journalist.

2. Ashton Kutcher is a bona fide talent.

3. Professional wrestling is a bona fide sport.

4. Survivor is a bona fide competition.

5. A trip to Applebee’s is a bona fide dining experience.

6. Everybody Loves Raymond is a bona fide comedy.

7. A Golden Globe is a bona fide award.

8. Fat-free cookies are bona fide health food.

9. A Hummer hybrid is bona fide green.

10. Kenny G. is a bona fide jazz musician.

11. NASCAR is bona fide culture.

12. USA Today is a bona fide newspaper.

13. George W. Bush is a bona fide cowboy.

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  • StrangeAgent

    Maybe it really is time for another asteroid to hit Earth and give the cockroaches their shot at evolution. Couldn’t do any worse than we have. Or maybe a zombie holocaust…

  • t6

    MAJ,

    I thought you liked us. Why do you want to make us cry?

  • MaryAnn

    Hey, if I have to suffer, I don’t see why I should have to suffer alone.

  • Shadowen

    As Calvin would say, nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

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