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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Scarlett Johansson is a clone!

My favorite email ever, posted in its entirety because it’s so wonderfully insane. I received this today:

Hello dear ladies and gentlemen!

I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person, which has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not damn sexy), most important – CHRISTIAN young lady!

I’ll tell you guys more, that clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY – world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff 100% controlling all their clones spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Think wise..

Apparently those clones is very actively shown on your website . This is just a warning, because original person is not happy about those images and video, rumors and etc., in that way it would be really nice if you try slow down that ”actress” career development on your website, original Scarlett’s parents will really appreciated that. Please do that, do not wait until FBI agent give you a call with questions. Please remember that original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created, it all need to be return back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Original Scarlett is not engage!

Her close friend Serg J.-G.

P.S.
H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more.
These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and Germany, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

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  • I’m guessing that the email originated from the brain-damaged clone of Ewan McGregor.

  • StrangeAgent

    …or the equally brain-damaged clone of Woody Allen.

  • Ken

    WTF?

  • Nathan

    wow. will any more Scarlett clones be made available in the near future?

  • Ryan H

    You mean there might be enough of them to go around? This is great news!

  • PaulW

    Um, don’t date robots?

  • the rook

    anyone know where i can get a lucy liu-bot?

  • pedro

    i’m up for an ORGANIC clone of miss S.J. Must be 23 years old like the original one, and must be a real person. e-mail available upon request.

  • This is a great movie premise!

    Helmut Kohl *IS*…

    DER KLØNEMÄSTER!!!!

  • Robert

    I’ll take two…

  • Mathias

    Do i go to that German town to order my Sophie Marceau clone circa 1996?
    Do i have to fill out a form and pay through the nose?
    Do they have a website (translated into English, thank you) where i can do this at 4:00 am in my underwear?

    How exactly does this work again?

  • Mikael

    Makes me think that I prefer clones to bloody CHRISTIAN young ladies anytime.

  • JasonJ

    Anybody working on a Jennifer Connely clone?

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