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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

Jesus loves sexy, violent movies

Could there be hope for our culture after all? The CAP Movie Ministry is having to all but shut down because no one wants to send it money. You know the CAP Alert guy: he’s the one dude in Texas — Jesus moved him there! I’m totally getting Jesus to help me move next time! — who picks over movies on a second-by-second basis and details all the reasons he thinks they would make baby Jesus cry. Like Iron Man, which, the CAP Alert guy warns us, features “dressing to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure, repeatedly” (though doesn’t it also have women in burqas, too? shouldn’t that balance out the naughtiness?) and:

The viewer is exposed to a woman atop a man engaged in frantic making out while she, at least, is in her underwear plus she prancing around the morning after in only a shirt covering her underwear, implying overnight cohabitation for sex.

How he endures such torture is unknown. Perhaps the obsessive detailing of the torture helps.

Anyway, though, he doesn’t have to endure it much these days, because:

Until further notice, the only film analyses that will be performed are those for which adequate funds are available prior to beginning an analysis.

His reckoning of what constitues “adequate funds”:

An estimate of the time and travel (local only) costs, expenses and fees associated with only conducting an analysis of one film is $353.00. This figure includes a portion of life / health / medical / dental insurance, other living expenses and lesser office supplies but not equipment, vehicle and its insurance, hardware/software, phone, development, etc., nor the time for the level 2 and level 3 activities.

To be fair, that’s not a bad assessment of the effort that goes into a movie review. And if he could get his readers to support that, more power to him.

But, it seems, he can’t:

[A] few folks have told me it must be God’s Will that the CAP Ministry die else He would provide the necessary funding. Each time I prayed about that the signals I got were not that it is His Will but is the will of the people and their use of the freedom of choice He gave us: that no matter how much He sends, the ones though whom He sends it have a choice once it is in their hands. So, it is not God’s Will that the CAP Ministry die but the will of the more than 10,000,000 folks who have used our service but do not, for whatever reason, help us with the expenses. Almost every user who has children who has said anything to us has said great things about His Work through the CAP Ministry but when dollars come up …

See, it’s not God’s fault for not supplying the dough, it’s God’s fault for not making people care if movies are loaded with women in tight clothes swearing and killing people.

Rock me, sexy Jesus!

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  • Alli

    Wow. He is scary. I think if Jesus could verbally respond to his prayers, he’d probably tell him to shut up, and pray for something important, like the people in Darfur instead of his crappy movie review business.

  • Kate

    Oh, I dunno, I think this guy may be the best writer I’ve ever come across, I wish I’d found him earlier. All these years I would have described the scene detailed above in his review as “spending the night,” or possibly “sleeping over.” What a sad, dry, static word choice, when I could have been using evocative phrases like “overnight cohabitation for sex.”

  • Rhett

    (not having read TFA) It sounds to me like that’s pretty much what Jesus said: “If your readers aren’t going to support you, neither am I.”

    Good of “CAP Alert Guy” to “ask”, and good of Jesus to answer. Hopefully C-A-G will find some new way to provide benefit to the world. (Helping the situation in Darfur has been suggested, and there are plenty of other needs he could dedicate himself to.)

    Here’s wishing him the best of luck!

  • MaryAnn

    evocative phrases like “overnight cohabitation for sex.”

    Isn’t that awesome?

    I would soooo engage in overnight cohabitation for sex with Robert Downey Jr.

    I’m just sayin’. Sorry if that’s TMI.

  • Kate

    MaryAnn, are there people alive who WOULDN’T engage in overnight cohabitation for sex with Robert Downey Jr.? I had no idea!

  • MaryAnn

    Yeah, probably the CAP Alert guy. But you never know…

  • “Yeah, probably the CAP Alert guy. But you never know…”

    Well, he did complain about the amount of naked female flesh, but from what you quoted at least, less about the display of RDJr hotness…

  • Paul

    I wouldn’t. But more seriously, I thought the CAP writer was just scolding his readers and putting them on a God-based guilt trip. Maybe he needed advertisers.

  • OH My Goodness. This guy is a riot.

    He says about Natural born Killers:

    “Natural Born Killers” is a movie with all manner of corruptive influence right out of the smoking pits of Hell. I am most uncomfortable with giving you this report, but as much as I would like to ignore this and other extremes of the American culture I cannot. Paul didn’t ignore the extremes in Corinth.

    And it gets better.

    It’s a great read, but I don’t think he intended it on being so funny.

    And poetic:

    Foul language, including God’s name in vain with the four letter expletive and the most foul of foul words were as frequent as raindrops in a storm.

    Thanks, MaryAnn!

  • diligentslacker

    Something about CAP’s reviews seemed kinda off…maybe it was when they deemed “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” more appropriate for children than “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”

  • Joanne

    I must be one of the 10,000,000 folks – except I haven’t used CapAlert, I’ve gone there out of morbid curiosity a few times to find out what he thinks of movies. I was disappointed he hadn’t reviewed The Dark Knight, he’d have had a field day with that one.

    My favourite expression: “the three/four letter word vocabulary”. What’s wrong with “swearing”, “cursing” or simply “bad language”? Oh, wait …

  • Pat Mustard

    Joanne: Pay a return visit to CAP & experience the ‘Dark Knight’ review which is now present in all its dark glory..

  • Joanne

    Joy! It wasn’t there when I looked a few weeks ago. Thanks, Pat.

  • Pat Mustard

    No problem – perhaps it’s just because my mind belongs irretrievably to Satan, but for some reason I found his harping on ‘the shepherd’s rod’ unbearably amusing..

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