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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

celebrity idiot of the week: Gwyneth Paltrow

Like oh my god. Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow has a weekly newsletter about how to “nourish the inner aspect”? It’s totally awesome… and so totally not — as some dweeb at the L.A. Times who probably isn’t even a real blonde like Gwyneth said — about “inner superficiality.” (She’s just jealous.)

It’s called GOOP. I know it sounds silly, but whatever. I think maybe it’s like one of those zen words that if you say it over and over, it becomes deep.

Gwyn (do you think she’ll mind if I call her Gwyn?) tells us that:

Goop is a newsletter that will usually come once a week. I will be sharing recipes, my personal travel notes, the advice that I get and follow, and so much more. GOOP is constantly evolving- I’m excited to have you join us.

Is she totally generous or what? Imagine, her a glamorous and famous and rich actress with a famous and rich rock star husband — her life must be crazy busy but she’s still making time to share her fabulousness with us. We should feel blessed.

Gwyneth is now my go-to girl when I want to know stuff like how to detox and what to do when my bowels get sluggish, how Kabbalah can make Christmas better, and the best kind of little black dress that’s worth saving up for because I’ll be passing it down to my daughter!

I am so going to stay at one of her favorite hotels in L.A. next time I’m there. The garden suites she recommends start at only $1,400 a night!

As Gwyn herself might say: MAKE GO GET DO BE SEE!



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  • JoshDM

    It took you this long to figure it out?

    She named her kid Apple, for crap’s sake.

  • Alli

    So basically Paltrow has a blog/website, where she tells people the stuff she likes, and discusses her philosophical views of life. Tell me, how is this any different from anyone else with a blog or livejournal? Is it more pretentious than an average joe’s blog because she is a celebrity and therefore she must feel she is better than all of us?

  • bitchen frizzy

    Mary (do you mind if I call you Mary?),

    She’s fashionably flaky, embracing the trendy/religion lite/faddish/celeb/phony Hollywood image. The newsletter might be her agent’s idea – make her more accessible and personable or something.

    She may be an idiot, for all I know, but having a website doesn’t make her any more of an idiot than anyone else who vents their 2c of philosophy and thoughts of the day on a personal website. You know anyone who does that?

  • Chris-E

    This is hilarious! It’s appropriate that it’s called GOOP since that’s all that’s in her head!

    My bowels are sluggish after reading that!

    MaryAnn, I know you are writing screenplays and want to get into the business but if this upsets you then wait till you’re on set! I did it for a few years in Los Angeles and had to get out while I still had a brain!

    Now I work for a bank. Sigh.

  • jeez! where has all the snark gone in this world? everyone going so nicey-nice on GOOP! (Alli and Bitchen — can i call you bitchen?) i don’t know if i can live in a world (or at least, the internet world) where people can be so forgiving and kind…

  • Nathan

    At first I was all like whatev, what’s the big deal but then I looked at the site and I was like gag me.

  • Alli

    Sorry, I’ll try to be more of an ass in the future. LoL.

    All I was saying is, we can all be pretty pretentious, especially all of us with blogs. We all kind of assume that what we have to say is important and people may want to hear it too. Heck I’m doing it right now by posting a comment. So, Is Paltrow acting pretentious? Yes. Is her newsletter ridiculous? Oh you bet. But I just can’t seem to fault her for doing it in the first place. But calling it GOOP is pretty freaking weird.

  • Chris-E

    bronxbee, I agree. The problem with sites like these is that many people think this is real life or something.

    Her site says “My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard…”

    Let’s examine that. Perhaps her “life is good” because of the fucking millions!?!?!

    Then there’s the “nourish what is real” crap. She’s an actress. She PRETENDS for a living!

    Finally there’s the “travel, cook and work hard” shit. Acting is not hard work! Not when you are paid millions and have a private trailer and personal trainer, etc. Most people are having trouble buying groceries and paying for gas and she’s taking about travel and food it all like it’s chump change.

    She’s got the money and can do whatever she wants with it. If she wants to travel then fine. If she likes spending $1000 on dinner, then cool. If she wants to name her children after a fruit (which seems ironic now) then good for her! But when you start a website so that you can brag about how perfect your life is and tells you to just do what she does and yours can be perfect too, then she deserves to be shit on for the dumbass she is.

  • bitchen frizzy

    Hmmm, I didn’t realize I was being forgiving and kind.

    Yeah, Paltrow’s a flake, though part of that is probably an act. Her website’s nauseating.

    But it’s hard to mock her for all of that without mocking – well, everybody in media.

  • i have no problem with mocking everyone in the media. have at it!

  • Dani

    I’ve read the newsletters and so far I don’t find what Gwyneth is doing to be that similar to the average blogger or even celebrity myspace. She doesn’t really blog per se and the majority of the content has been brief product recommendations with some obvious tie-ins to brands she represents (Tod’s). The philosophical sections don’t offer much in the way of her personal thoughts and seem to be a copy and paste job from famous doctors/gurus she knows on a personal basis. For a personal website, it’s attractive but pretty impersonal and seems to be more of a preface for her upcoming commercial ventures — a cookbook and chain of gyms.

  • Ken

    The philosophical sections don’t offer much in the way of her personal thoughts and seem to be a copy and paste job from famous doctors/gurus she knows on a personal basis. For a personal website, it’s attractive but pretty impersonal and seems to be more of a preface for her upcoming commercial ventures — a cookbook and chain of gyms.

    I think this is the commercial venture. Web 2.0, meet the celebrity endorsement. I only took a quick glance, but I’m guessing that at best, she just glances at what the actual writer of the content wrote and gives a thumbs-up or -down as to whether it sounds like her voice.

  • Well, to paraphrase a famous blogger with whom I’d like to think we’re all familiar with, I’m pretty sure that reading Ms. Paltrow’s newsletter is not mandatory.

    And in a world in which so much worse is going on, it’s hard to work up the energy to wax snarky about an celebrity whose creative activities may be mindless but for the most part, seem harmless.

    Those of you who insist on mocking her for her celebrity lifestyle might want to ask yourself how idealistic you all would seem in the eyes of a homeless person or a welfare recipient.

    That said…

    Mary (do you mind if I call you Mary?)

    She has already noted several times on this site that she does mind. Is “MaryAnn” that much harder to write than “Mary”? Granted, it might seem trivial to you but then again deferring to her taste on this relatively minor matter costs you nothing and makes you look good compared to the more impolite people who post here. So consider it a “win win” to do so.

  • Well, to paraphrase a famous blogger with whom I’d like to think we’re all familiar with, I’m pretty sure that reading Ms. Paltrow’s newsletter is not mandatory.

    Yes, I realize I did not need a second “with” in that sentence. But, alas, my editorial assistants must have been taking a coffee break…

  • bitchen frizzy

    –“She has already noted several times on this site that she does mind. Is “MaryAnn” that much harder to write than “Mary”? Granted, it might seem trivial to you but then again deferring to her taste on this relatively minor matter costs you nothing and makes you look good compared to the more impolite people who post here. So consider it a “win win” to do so.”

    Reread the opening post, para. 3, 1st sentence.

  • MaryAnn

    The difference with Paltrow is that she (or her people) think anyone cares about what she does to settle her bowels.

    Worse is that some people might actually care.

  • I think it’s just big business catching up with technology. You can imagine that they had a think tank who were locked in a room for a weekend, trying to come up with new ways to make money.

    “Hang on, what about blogs? Is there a potential for advertising revenue?”

    It’s a pity in this case, cos sometimes celebrity blogs can be a good way to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, without the intrusion of their PR people.

  • miss creant

    Well personally, I settle my woe-begotten bowels with a cup or two of some nice, strong coffee. Starbucks–if I have some extra scratch to spoil myself. Ms. G was quoted as saying she felt “sorry” for “us” who make “negative” comments. Negativity is a relative thing. In relation to having millions with which to spend on high-end couture, culinary fabulousness and fancy hotel accommodations that cost more for one night than the average rent for a cubbyhole of an apartment (or flat–as the Brit-loving, Brit-preferring flake would call it), she has a lot of gall. She really seems to think we all have the money to savor her personal faves and delight in them. I’ve never seen such arrogant blindness. Well, actually I have–every other rich, powerful celeb or celebutante has had a crack at it. What’s more, she sure dishes out criticism of us, but she CANNOT take it–GROW A CONSCIENCE, G!
    No matter how much money one has, happiness is a choice, but in the face of great economic adversity that is plaguing this country and indeed the world, someone like Gwyneth needs to avoid shoving it down the throats of the gen pub and show some serious sensitivity. She has always had a privileged life and can’t see it from the side of the majority (us slummers).
    It’s SO EASY to boast about one’s happiness when the things that make one happy and contribute to that “happiness” can be easily afforded.
    God help you, Gwynnie (can I call you that?–oh, probably not…you insufferable snob…).
    As your beloved Brits would say–BUGGER OFF.

  • Mel

    I remember GOOP was this weird, smelly cream that we used when I was a kid to get pitch off of hands and clothes.

  • Celebrity Gossip

    Nothing wrong with the article and you have a great blog..We must be practical..in some way we also do those things.

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