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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

say what? 2008

It had to be done: all in one place, the very best bad dialogue of the year 2008.

I didn’t mean to hold these till the movie year was over — it just sort of happened that way. I’ll return to posting quotes as I hear them for 2009.

There’s surprisingly few of these. That’s how not-great a year at the movies 2008 was: even the bad movies were phoning it in.

No ranking — quotes are posted in reverse order of movie release dates, with newer films at the top. [Warning: May contain spoilers.]
“What smells dental? Dental and Nazi…?”
–The Spirit (Gabriel Macht), The Spirit

“Don’t forget about the Spirit. He’s someone to contend with.”
–Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson), The Spirit

“No egg on my face! Not a glob!”
–The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), The Spirit

“I’m supposed to have a vase full of blood, and it’s supposed to be in that box.”
–The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), The Spirit

“Big bad free-range chickens — they piss me off with their ugly brown eggs.”
–The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), The Spirit

“Goofy is the new handsome.”
–Skeeter Bronson (Adam Sander), Bedtime Stories

“I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”
–Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), to Bella, Twilight

“I like watching you sleep.”
–Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), to Bella, Twilight

“I’m sorry I blamed you guys for raising the emperor.”
–Alex (Luke Ford), The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

“There appears to be an event happening.”
–some guy (Alan Ruck), The Happening

“It doesn’t matter if racing ever changes, what matters is if racing changes you.”
–Racer X (Matthew Fox), Speed Racer

“When Rex died I didn’t know whether I wanted to salt my eggs, never mind keep building cars.”
–Pops Racer (John Goodman), Speed Racer

“Do not eat me when I set you free.”
–D’Leh (Steven Strait), to a big-ass sabertooth tiger, 10,000 B.C.

“These eyes are not my eyes.”
–Sydney Wells (Jessica Alba), The Eye

“Have you seen my report card?”
–bubble wrap kid, The Eye

“Man should pray and not think.”
–(I can’t remember who said this because my head exploded immediately afterward), First Sunday

“It is hot as Satan’s toenails in here.”
–choir director, First Sunday

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posted in:
year in review
  • JT

    My vote:

    “I thought we would meet again only in death.” – Latika, Slumdog Millionaire.

    One of the hundreds of terrible lines from a terrible movie.

  • Kit

    I realize Spirit may be overrepresented on this list, but “Come on! Toilets are always funny!”

  • Alli

    Isn’t there a really bad line in Twilight that goes “You’re my own brand of heroin.” I didn’t even see that film, but I heard about that line. Hilarious. Just think in 10 months you’ll get to review its sequel MaryAnn!

  • Tiv

    You didn’t even get the first Speed Racer quote right – and you want to slam it? Please….

    Nice job. Not.

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