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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

trailer break: ‘Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience’

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…


What happened to “sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll”? Evangelical Christian rock stars? Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse? (“And three brothers shall walk among them, and they shall be unto the ears of the many as melodious, and they shall be said to rock, and the righteous will know them for deceivers.”) Since when do rock star wear “purity” rings? (Nick got his made at Disney World! It’s pretty awesome, he says. And I just died a little inside. Kevin’s is a punk-rock purity ring from Tiffany. And I just died some more. And you can buy one for yourself, or for someone you love, though not in that way. And now I’m dead.)

I shouldn’t make fun of them. But it’s so easy. Where did we go wrong? How did we come to this: kids still listening to Barney music as teenagers? It’s disgraceful.

Not that you’d know anything about purity rings or visits to the Bush White House — or even what their music sounds like — from the trailer. I suppose it’s meant to fool parents into thinking their kids are getting an appropriate does of wildly inappropriate devil’s music. Note how small the G-rating is in all the movie’s publicity material.

That’s right: a G-rated rock concert movie. Disgusting.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience opens in the U.S. on February 27 and in the U.K. on May 29.



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  • Bill

    i just googled the jonas bros and it turns out they’re like 19-20ish. i thought they were younger. so, yeah. can we get some fucking heroin and groupies up in here?

  • It’s too bad we get this instead of a return-engagement of U23D. :(

  • Alli

    I think the vast majority of their fans are actually 9 years old or something, so unless you’re a pedophile, I don’t know why you’re wearing purity rings. Seriously, what 21 year old goes on tour with their parents?

    I guess I should be happy they’re not spreading STDs or continuing the rise in teen pregnancy…. but instead I find it creepy that they need the world to know that they’re not trying to deflower their pre-teen fanbase.

  • JoAnne

    I disagree. The Jonas Brothers have catchy pop-rock music, funny personalities, and a good chunk of charisma. Their “pure” image shouldn’t be a fault.

    You also have to remember that although their fan base is mostly screaming pre-teen girls, they still manage to grab “big boy” gigs like the Grammy’s and performing in Times Square during New Years.

    I think we’ll be seeing more of these kids.

  • bitchen frizzy

    Umm, probably the idea is that they are setting an example or something.

    I’ve never heard the rule that rock stars can only have sex with fans.

  • Les

    Whats wrong with you people? You act like you would rather your son/daughters, (nieces/nephews, grandchildren) be getting drunk, doing drugs, and having sex rather than living pure lives that lead to less regrets in life. Don’t tell me that you have nothing you would have done differently in your younger years. I hope my childs mind is purer than mine was as a teen. I have lots of regrets because I lived the sex,drugs and rockin roll life. Thats why I like that there are young men who are open about living pure lives and waiting to be sexually active until marriage. We should all be teaching our young people that. After all. If you were/are living a carefree sexual lifestyle you know that it is not fulfilling. Isn’t that why those people keep going back for more? Maybe next time it will be right or the next. Not really what they want. The reason people do not understand how marriage should be is because NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT. Everyone is all about what feels right not what is right. Please… they(the jonas bro.) are not the freaks.

  • Alli

    First of all, have a sense of humor people. It’s called Snark.

    Second, I watched the Barbara Walter special, and they basically said they wore them out of respect for their fans. Now, that would be nice if there fans were, oh, THEIR AGE. But most are 10 years old. I don’t know about you, but 21 year olds shouldn’t be having sex with anyone under 18 anyways, so to me, it feels like a silly scheme to use their “purity” to make more money.

    Now, maybe they believe it with their whole hearts, and that is great, but I don’t believe a word of it. It’s just a way for mom’s and dad’s to feel comfortable about their little girl’s obsession with cute boys. To me, there wasn’t a single word that came out of their mouths in that interview that sounded like it came from a place of honestly. It was a rehearsed speech aimed to keep the preteen moms buying tickets.

  • Sarah

    I find it a little confusing that you should so denigrate boys who choose to wear promise rings for not being edgy or rock ‘n roll enough, while you bemoan the death of the Western world every time a sex comedy comes along that has teenage boys acting like horndogs.

    Do you just not like boy-directed entertainment, if it isn’t obviously ‘geeky’ in some way?

  • Mo

    Still bitter that it’s kicking Coraline out of the 3D theatres. Boo.

    I thought music as genuine rebellion died with the original punks. Or at least grunge…

  • mollywobble

    Sarah, once again, MaryAnn is being snarky.

    Do you guys really think she wishes they were drug addicted sex hounds?

    Do you just not like boy-directed entertainment, if it isn’t obviously ‘geeky’ in some way?

    Do you mean created by boys? Or do you mean directed towards a male audience? If you mean the later, I don’t think anyone thinks the Jonas Brothers are directed at a young male audience.

  • joey

    I dunno, MaryAnn, I think they’re at least an improvement over the Backstreet Boys. Not saying much, I know.

    And actully, mo, what is dead is the naive hippie-created delusion that music was ever genuine rebellion. It’s a product! Every time you close your eyes, lies, lies! Sell out sell out

    okay, i just quoted the Arcade Fire in a post about the Jonas Brothers arguing against artistic integrity. Am I hip yet? (Yes, I know, I’m asking the wrong people.)

  • DontBeSuchAPooFlinger

    “Snark” is not an excuse…save it for bringing down things that deserve it, not just throwing poop at anything that moves like a bunch of chimps.

    Anyway – these boys are a real band representing their actual life experience and POV, which is youthful,upbeat and innocent right now. I find it interesting and a breath of fresh of air…they kick ass live in concert, so who the f*ck cares what they are doing with their penises?

    I’d rather “rock” be about the music being played, and the energy created than about the sex and drugs being done by the people playing it. Been there, done that, and that behavior has a positive impact on music a very SMALL percentage of the time, and in most cases it just makes for major rock’n’roll poserdom. EG. : this pretty much explains Brooklyn.

    Furhter to their credit, the Jonas Bros aren’t a “boy band” in the gross (to me) R&B NKOTB, NSYNC, BSB synchro-dancing mold…they are a boy band as Weezer would have been if they got famous a little earlier.

    And they do have lots of older fans mixed in with the younger. It is kind of a family thing. I’ve been to their shows with 3 generations of my family. It ruled.

  • Liz

    @Alli – they said they wore the rings out of respect for the women in their life, not their little fans.

    And they were awkward in that interview precisely because Barbara Walters was asking them about things they routinely ask not to have to talk about: purity rings, ex-girlfriends/personal lives & their religion. They were obviously pissed off.

  • amanohyo

    DontBeSuchAPooFlinger is correct in stating that many of you are underestimating the average age of their fanbase which is virtually indistinguishable from a religious cult.

    We’re playing with dynamite here. Jonas Brothers fans are like defensive locusts (or Scientologists); if more than three of them find this “negative” post, the entire swarm will be upon us destroying everything in its path. It may already be too late to stop them.

    Every popular song from the past hundred years is at their fingertips, and they choose to listen to this. You win again marketing department, you win again… piggybacking your vile product on Christianity and striking when they’re too young and/or ignorant to know any better. And I thought the music industry couldn’t sink any lower.

  • bitchen frizzy

    Joey et. al. have said it well – this is a packaged music product, not “rock ‘n’ roll” as it ever once was or hoped to be. I believe that’s one of MaryAnn’s points amidst the snarking. Christian rock is a growing niche; there’s money to be made there. I don’t have any reason to assume that these Jonas Brothers (of whom I know almost nothing) aren’t relatively sincere in their professions of faith, but they are also running a business, so yes they care about the parents of their fans being comfortable with them as role models so that those parents will continue to buy tickets and albums.

    Alli, there’s no hint of these guys promising not to have sex with their child fans, they clearly intend their promise rings as part of their role model image. Sure, some of their preteen fans probably have crushes on them, but that’s normal. There’s no real or implied reciprocation of that. Where are you getting that from?

  • Mo

    And actully, mo, what is dead is the naive hippie-created delusion that music was ever genuine rebellion. It’s a product! Every time you close your eyes, lies, lies! Sell out sell out

    Exactly. It always was. But the illusion did work for a while.

    okay, i just quoted the Arcade Fire in a post about the Jonas Brothers arguing against artistic integrity. Am I hip yet? (Yes, I know, I’m asking the wrong people.)

    Hee. Well you cracked me up, at least. XD

  • Alli

    Alli, there’s no hint of these guys promising not to have sex with their child fans, they clearly intend their promise rings as part of their role model image. Sure, some of their preteen fans probably have crushes on them, but that’s normal. There’s no real or implied reciprocation of that. Where are you getting that from?

    I’m not actually suggesting they would have sex with their young fan base. I’m suggesting (with less clarity, I admit)exactly what you said: they wear them simply to promote an image so that they can sell more tickets. They’ve found a very popular niche, and they’re using it to their advantage.

    Considering so many of their fans are prepubescent and physically cannot procreate at this time, why do they use the bands to promote their image? If it’s to get parents to talk about sex with their preteens, then Awesome! But no that’s not why. They do it to show how innocent and pure they are. They do it because they want the moms and dads to feel comfortable with their daughter’s obsession, because they “respect women” by not having sex with them. To me, that is being fake. There is nothing more annoying to me then a “holier-than-thou,” fake Christian.

    Now perhaps I’m drastically underestimating the age of their fanbase, but from the TV shows I’ve seen, most of these fans are extremely young. If there are teen fans that use the Jonas Brothers as an example of how to live their lives, well then I guess there are much worse models. Just don’t be shocked a couple years from now when we all find out they’re sinners like the rest of us.

  • JoshB

    Good Christ…I had never heard the Jonas Brother’s music before, so I went to youtube and clicked on the first video it brought up, “Lovbug.” Then, in horror, I did some further research:

    This is the most shameful thing I have ever beheld.

    These guys give Creed serious competition for the title of “Sorriest Excuse for a Rock Band In Existence”

  • Sarah

    I don’t think anyone thinks the Jonas Brothers are directed at a young male audience.

    Okay, that’s fair. But if they are squeaky clean generic rock for preteen girls, what makes them any different than the Monkees? And they had a tv show for years without the end of the world coming. The middle one even sounds like Davy.

  • Paul

    Whether the purity thing is fake or not depends upon if they are having sex or doing drugs or not, doesn’t it? I have no doubt they have promoters, but if we stopped listening to rock groups with promoters we’d stop listening to rock music period. Maybe next you’d like to stop dating people who drink alcohol.

    I sometimes buy a CD just because the woman on the cover is properly dressed so I figure she’s getting by on her talent. I’m usually right.

    And I’ve met a few women who are post-sex, drugs, and rock and roll lifestyle. Talk about bitter, cynical, and washed out. Definitely not a reccomendation for that kind of life. I don’t know about the men; most of my older male friends are poets and writers.

  • Daniela Giraud

    It’s because of people like you that kids are having sex at such a young age! Yeah sure, make fun of the Jonas Brothers for wearing purity rings, but I don’t think you’ll be laughing when you’re 15 year old daughter comes to you and tells you she’s pregnant. Lay off these boys, they are great role models, and you should be glad they’re helping the youth do better choices.

  • MaryAnn

    Daniela, if I had a 15-year-old daughter, she’d know all about how to *not* get pregnant (including, but not limited to, “don’t have sex”). She’d know everything I could tell her about love, sex, and how the human body and the human heart work. I wouldn’t keep her ignorant of these things and simply tell her to be “pure” and expect that to work.

    Because it doesn’t work. The people who push “abstinence” and “purity” are the ones putting children at risk for unwanted pregnancy and STDs.

    The Jonas Brothers are *not* great role models. They are representatives of a dangerous philosophy that pretends we can deny human nature instead of embracing it and being responsible about it. And it worries me deeply that those who say that the only alternative to “purity” and “abstinence” is nonstop random sex with total strangers — it means they have no concept of what a responsible, mature sex life could look like.

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