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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

12 Rounds (review)

You’re Gonna Love It When It’s Done, Honestly

No no no no it’s not finished yet. Think of it more as a kind of blueprint. Or a sample. Or a model. You know, like a model house. Ya gotta picture it done. Lick of paint over the drywall, maybe some flowers on the mantel, you’re gonna love it.

Yeah yeah yeah that’s what I’m trying to tell you. This ain’t the real 12 Rounds. Not the actual movie. It’s more like a storyboard. Or an animatic. That’s it. Just to give you an idea of what the real movie’s gonna look like. Man, you’re gonna love it, I swear.
Oh sure, that “WWE Studios” thing? I think the sound guy’s kid made that up. There ain’t no such thing. Absolutely, that’ll be Paramount or Universal — some real studio. We’re gonna fix that. And I guarantee, it’s not really gonna be John Cena: he’s just standing in for the real star. Definitely. It’s gonna be Christian Bale or Matt Damon or maybe even like a Hugh Jackman — definitely someone as charismatic as he is athletic. I hear ya, man. I guarantee you, it’s not gonna be Cena. Nice guy, but, you know… Well, right: Even Bale will smile more than this guy does. But we’re gonna fix that. It’s gonna be great. You’re gonna love it.

No, that’s one thing we’re totally keeping: New Orleans! Awesome tax breaks for shooting there, plus it looks like hell, man. It’s looks awesome onscreen, what a disaster the Ninth Ward is. What’s that? Oh sure, we got some pretty shots of the touristy areas, all right — there’s a bit with one a them quaint cable cars that you are gonna love! — but audiences are gonna eat up the collapse-of-civilization porn. You’ll see.

Yeah this bit here is pretty much right outta Lethal Weapon… Right! The bit where Riggs runs down the car on foot. We’re gonna fix that, don’t worry, it’s all gonna be perfect in the real thing. It’ll be more like an homage than just lifting it — this is just so you can get an idea what it’s gonna look like. You’re gonna love it, I promise.

Oh, yup, and the part with the bus. Totally outta Speed. Audiences like that. They like feeling that they’re part of the process. But we’re gonna fix that. It’s gonna be great.

Right, Renny Harlin — just a seat filler. You’ll see. We’re gonna get Tony Scott or maybe a Doug Liman — it’s gonna be great. It’s gonna be very exciting… Excuse me?… Yup, you’ll see when we do all this for real, all the stuff here that looks like it’s supposed to be exciting will really be exciting. This is all just to give you an idea of what it’s gonna look like when we do it for real. You’ll see. You’re gonna love it, I promise.

Yup yup, the terrorist arms dealer bad guy does feel like a cartoon, but we wanted you to feel the bigness and the meanness of him. Say again?… Oh, sure, it’s completely ridiculous that he could escape from prison… Yup yup, I hear your concern. There’s no freakin’ way he could have gotten the Cena cop’s wife bound and gagged and into the backseat of his car in broad daylight in a busy public place. This is all just a marker for the real thing. We’re gonna fix that. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be great.

We kinda like Ashley Scott as the wife. We may keep her. It’s not like it really matters, anyway. She’s just the maguffin to keep the hero moving, cuz the bad guy has kidnapped her and all. But you know, she’s pretty. She’s blond. We’re not gonna kill the dog — that would just be mean — so we need her in jeopardy. It’ll all make more sense when we get Bale or Jackman or whoever why she’s with him in the first place. It’s gonna be great.

No, we’re gonna fix the villain. He’s gonna be like an Alan Rickman but we don’t wanna go too Alan Rickman-y since the whole thing is already very Die Hard with the lowly cop and the diabolical mastermind going head to head. And you know what Rickman is like, am I right? We’re thinking maybe David Tennant… yeah he’s this up-and-coming British guy we’re trying to woo to Hollywood, and we’re thinking we can get him cheap probably, but — whoo! — what till you see his chops, man. He’s gonna be great. You’re gonna love him. This Aiden Gillen guy… nice guy, real sport about standing in till we cast the part for real. But, you know…

Right, it’s totally a problem with the script. And we’re gonna fix that. It’s gonna be amazing. You’re gonna love it.

MPAA: rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action

viewed at a public multiplex screening

official site | IMDb | trailer
more reviews: Movie Review Query Engine
  • Hank Graham

    Damn girl, when you decide to go ALL snark on a film, and feel for the poor suckers who made it. Thanks for the warning about it!

  • David

    I noticed while watching this that John Cena has improved his acting abilities since the Marine. Albeit he is still terrible, he appears to be trying. Other than that I have to say that I love when you do this to movies, it makes reading your reviews that much more fun.

  • Ide Cyan

    This movie just makes me want to rewatch Dice, in which Aidan Gillen’s character’s mind games are much more interesting.

  • Hasimir Fenring

    John Cena…the wife [is] just the maguffin to keep the hero moving, cuz the bad guy has kidnapped her and all

    I saw this movie under its original title, The Marine, and it was pretty bad. I don’t know why they’re re-releasing it now.

  • Mr. Majestyk

    This is a very clever, entertaining review, but if all those things had been done to the movie, I wouldn’t have gone to see it. It looked like trash, it acted like trash, and by God, it was trash. I got what I paid for.

  • stryker1121

    OK–Renny Harlin made 12 Rounds and Deep Blue Sea, but his Die Hard 2 was pretty cool–I don’t care if Bruce Willis didn’t like it.

  • birdmanicx

    I bet you loved the professor in film school who inspired you write reviews like this.!

  • There was no professor in film school — or any other kind of school — who inspired me to write anything.

  • birdmanicx

    “Self-inspired” then. better.

  • I have no idea what you are trying to convey, if it’s even positive or negative.

  • birdmanicx

    I was merely getting at the inspiration evident in your writing, sometimes more than others

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