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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

trailer break: ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…


Ooo! British trailers can use the words shitty and cowshit without getting a redband? How grownup!

Ooo, and they can use the word fucking, too? Wow.

What the hell is it with straight guys and lesbians? Dudes: they’re not into you, not matter what dumb movies like this one imply. That’s what lesbian means.

(The movie’s official site has a section called “Lesbian Lapdance,” which entices the surfer with the line “The lusty lasses await you.” Presumably the “you” here does not refer to other lesbians, because, you know, lesbians are only into guys, or something.)

The gay werewolf, though: He might be into you.

This was one of the biggest films in the U.K. last weekend. I guess if they’re more mature about language over there, they’re no more grown up when it comes to sex. Wankers.

Lesbian Vampire Killers opened in the U.K. on March 20; no U.S. release date has been announced.



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  • PaulW

    What the hell is it with straight guys and lesbians? Dudes: they’re not into you, not matter what dumb movies like this one imply. That’s what lesbian means.

    That’s not the point. The point looking at lesbian vampires is that there’s two (or more) decent-looking goth babes willing to make out, the implication that the ladies will enjoy themselves while doing so. The idea of women enjoying sex sometimes is more of a turn-on than actually engaging in the act yourself. Hence why the hetero male’s first response to seeing two girls make out is “Can I watch?” And most of the time, the guy never even thinks to ask “Can I join in?” (He’s secretly hoping that by being polite enough to just sit and watch that the two lesbians will relent and allow him to join in for some pity play)

    Or, as Paul Reiser once said on Mad About You on why guys like to watch lesbians: “Because it’s naked and fun and I agree with both of them.”

  • Accounting Ninja

    Hmmm…

    The whole guys love lesbians thing was discussed in Miss March, so I won’t repeat my views here (hint: they’re in line with MAJ’s), but I really hope that this is actually some sort of brilliant farce on that juvenile mindset. It just looked so deliberately cheesy that I wonder. I mean, the way they were all vamping around, touching themselves (that’s totally how we women act when we assume no one is watching :P), the “good” girl, in her buttoned-up, conservative blouse with a dash of “sexy librarian”, the obvious set-up that gets these guys in the woods alone…

    Am I the only one who found the exchange “They’re vampires!” “Lessssbian vampires!!” to be hilarious? Like if I were a vampire, and someone was all, “She’s a vampire!” and I hiss in his ear, “Yes! A heterosssexualll vampire! I also enjoy sssscrapbooking!”

  • Ok, I can sum up the hetero male fascination with lesbians with a simple mathematical equation:

    2 > 1

    The end.

  • MaSch

    Could the straight guys please shut up about the “real” reasons they enjoy watching lesbians? MAJ and Accounting Ninja have figured it out a long time ago, and I am certain they know what they’re talking about: They are women, and more than that, feminist women!

  • JoshB

    Lesbian vampires vs. a couple of dudes, and the movie expects you to root for the guys? I’m baffled.

  • blake

    Worst film of the year…

    Mind you, it’s only March.

  • Would it be so OCD to point out that the title of this movie should be more accurately something like Slayers of Lesbian Vampires and not Lesbian Vampire Slayers?

    Mind you, anyone who has been keeping up with the eighth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer–or even the original series–can’t help but be seriously unimpressed with this trailer. And the reviews it’s been getting on the IMDB would suggest that one was right to be unimpressed.

    Interesting, though, to note how far we’ve come from the days when vampire movies were virtually the only nonpornographic movies in which one saw two women kissing each other. (Well, there’s 1929’s The Broadway Melody, but still…)

    The more things change, yadda, yadda, yadda…

  • Could the straight guys please shut up about the “real” reasons they enjoy watching lesbians? MAJ and Accounting Ninja have figured it out a long time ago, and I am certain they know what they’re talking about: They are women, and more than that, feminist women!

    Oh, please don’t try to help me. If you’re going to argue like that, I’d prefer you to be on the other side, instead of trying to agree with what I said and making me look like an idiot by association.

  • MaSch

    As a favour to Count Shrimpula:

    2

  • MaryAnn

    The point looking at lesbian vampires is that there’s two (or more) decent-looking goth babes willing to make out, the implication that the ladies will enjoy themselves while doing so.

    I think most lesbians would not want you watching and getting off on them. That’s the thing.

    It’s not that guys won’t get off on just about anything. It’s that the women you’re getting off on — in the real world, as opposed to the male hetero fantasy of these movies — would not appreciate you watching.

  • MaSch

    In my last post, I meant 1 > 2.

    Didn’t think about the problems when using “less”.

    MaSch
    Looking more idiotic with each new post.

  • Paul

    Funny thing, when I read the title, I assumed it was lesbians killing vampires. Guess I watched too much “Buffy.”

    And speaking as a straight guy, no, I will not refrain from commenting upon my feelings as a straight guy, even if I try to avoid speaking for all straight guys. I am very fond of the saying, and I wish I remember who said it: Men and women don’t understand each other, but men know it.

  • Martin

    As someone far wittier than me said (paraphrased), Lesbian Vampire Killers show’s who was the genius behind ‘Gavin and Stacey’; Ruth Jones.

    Already hailed as the new comedy messiahs, James Corden and Matthew Horne have seemingly crashed, hard. Their own comedy series has flopped and LVK hasn’t done that well at the Box Office.

  • MaryAnn

    Men and women don’t understand each other, but men know it.

    That’s a nice copout.

  • Accounting Ninja

    That’s a nice copout.

    And a great way to “Other-ize” women. After all, there’s no understanding our mysterious ways. And we’ll never understand men (who, according to Martin, have the answers, but women are just too deep in their delusions. Must be our natural predilection for irrationality again). ‘Cause we’re all just neatly divided by our plumbing. Golly!

  • JoshB

    who, according to Martin

    Hey, poor Martin is an innocent bystander here, it was Paul who made the offending comment.

    Come on Paul, they’re questioning your assumptions and intellectual honesty. Stand up for yourself! Fight fight fight!

  • Accounting Ninja

    Oh! You’re right, Josh! I’m sorry Martin, must’ve looked too fast. :)

    Tired cliches about how “men are this” and “women are that” are just tired cliches. Worst of all, they have some patronizing connotations. Isn’t it funny how, whenever anyone touts the “biological differences” in male vs. female brains, women get the short end of the stick? Men are more rational, logical thinkers, less emotional, more driven. Women are emotion-driven, touchy-feely and communal, who excel in multi-tasking and communication (*snort* they’ve never seen me try to talk to someone and write at the same time. The verbal center of my brain literally shuts down).

    Notice which set of qualities are generally associated with success, mental clarity and power in this country? Especially what pisses me off is the “women’s brains just aren’t hardwired for logic and they are ruled by their emotions” one. What a great way to silence dissent before it has even been spoken!

  • Martin

    That’s fine. It wasn’t as if I was crying or anything.

    Honest.

    I’m really not wanting to get deep into a gender politics discussion but I’m always surprised that people look to the differences between the genders, shrug their shoulders, say “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and leave it at that. I forget who said but I’ve always loved the line “I’m a man, you’re a woman; we’re from two different worlds!” because it’s complete rubbish.

    And I do think women have all the answers, unfortunately they are all “no”.

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