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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

The Onion smacks Michael Bay

Not that it’s hard. But it is funny:

LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats.

“I couldn’t be more excited to completely fuck this up,” said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. “ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground.”

“I’ll use every directorial tool I have to suck the very life and charm out of this beloved cartoon,” added Bay, claiming that the film could turn out to be the most colossal piece of shit he’s ever worked on. “I won’t rest until I get every last scene exactly wrong.”

It keeps getting funnier from there.

Well, funny in that way that makes you want to cry, and question whether The Onion isn’t in fact an actual news source, it sounds so plausible.



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  • JoshDM

    “Transformers” is far from being Shakespeare, but what he did to the overall original story is so far from what it was that it might as well have been called “Gobots”.

  • Der Bruno Stroszek

    Yeah, I never thought I’d get offended about changes made to the comic books/cartoon episodes of a property based on a frigging toy line, but what’s the point of changing it at all if every single alteration is only going to make things stupider?

  • Paul

    But Transformers was his best movie. Maybe it’s an area he should explore further. Does anyone know if they are making fun of Bay being hired to make an actual movie or if the whole thing is a joke?

  • Chris

    Michael Bay’s only goal in movies is to make sure at some point a flare appears, even it’s just a guy walking by with a flare in his hand. The story and actions scenes all center around the idea of how the flare makes it into the movie. This is why The Rock will always be Bay’s greatest work, because it climaxes with one of the greatest flare scenes in the history of cinema. Cage, bombs and flares. Brilliant.

  • MaryAnn

    As far as I can tell, the Onion bit is entirely a joke — there is a Thundercats movie in preproduction, but if a director has been chosen, we haven’t heard about it yet.

  • Eric

    Here’s another funny Michael Bay dis from The Onion. An “op-ed” piece from the director complaining about March of the Penguins ruling the box office while The Island flopped.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37499

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