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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

trailer break: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…


Oh my god, I am so rooting for the bad guy in this. Christopher Eccleston can conquer my world any time he wants. I mean, he destroys the Eiffel Tower? How deliciously evil is that? And probably all because some dame broke his heart once and told him, as a brushoff, “We’ll always have Paris,” and he’s all, “Maybe not…”

And this “team” that “is being assembled” to stop him? The supposedly “best operatives in the world”? Bor-ring! We’re supposed to cheer for these guys and gals with their bland faces and their mechanical toys and their following orders instead of following their own dreams? They don’t have to be evil dreams — just, you know, show a spark of imagination, wouldja? You have to wait to be told to go after the villain who just blew up the Eiffel Tower? What, are you stupid or something?

Eh. Why are the heroes always so much less exciting than the bad guys? It’s like they want us to root for the evil genius masterminds.

I can tell already that I’m going to be complaining that the movie has too much of the bland action figure “heroes” in their stupid accelerator suits and not enough Christopher Eccleston in his Armani suits.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens in the U.S. and the U.K. on August 7.



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  • Martin

    Did anyone else get a Team America vibe from the trailer?

  • This would be great except they gave everyone the unnecessary generi-cizing Sigma Six battle suit enhancements.

    You know what was good and fun? The Adult Swim / Cartoon Network GI Joe film that just came out. That was pretty good. Freaking Warren Ellis wrote it.

    G.I. Joe : Resolute

    THAT is what this movie should have been.

  • Pollas

    Maybe that’s why many actors like it when they get to play villans.

  • Cate

    After the Transformers II trailer and this trailer before Star Trek, my friend leaned over to me and said: “Do you feel like they just raped our childhood?” My response: “Totally.”

  • JoshB

    @Martin: All I can think when I see this trailer is “America! Fuck yeah!”

  • Martin

    @ JoshB: But unfortunately all the Team America funny would be accidental.

    And not half as good.

  • Martin

    It’s like Matt and Trey spoofed this film before it came out…

  • Fuggle

    And not just do the villains have more style, apparently they’re based out of Rapture.

    Seriously, not knowing what it was, the first few seconds of the trailer made me wonder “what, did they somehow make a Bioshock movie without me having heard anything about it?”

    When I was a kid, a dumb kid with so many GI Joe toys and not much in the way of filmic standards, this woulda had me in my seat on the first day. Now? It’s too late, thankfully.

    Man, the property coulda made a pretty fun summer movie, but that never happens. :/

  • bats :[

    We had to sit this trailer AND one for the Terminator AND one for Transformers before things got rolling for Star Trek.
    Honest to gawd, MaryAnn, I don’t know how you can watch these things (this definitely isn’t a slam — more of a salute to your intestinal fortitude). When we were trying to remember what trailers we’d seen, these were “the loud one,” “the loud one with the Shia-guy from Indiana Jones” and “the loud one without Arnold.”

  • hdj

    I wanna see this, not transformers

  • the rook

    i never like g i joe cartoons when i was a kid. they just bothered me – i didn’t like the aesthetic and they seemed intent on glorifying war by making it seem like ‘fun’.

    besides, the real g i joe, the original, was just a sad sack grunt trying to survive while fighting the nazis in europe during world war 2. war wasn’t glorified and it certainly wasn’t fun. and there were no sigma six battle suits. just k-rations.

  • I gotta go with Vern on this one. Our summer entertainment is being brought to us based on the tales told by the master storytellers of Hasbro.

  • JoshDM

    What, none of you watched G.I. Joe Resolute yet?
    C’mon.

  • hdj

    I did, I saw it GI Resolute on Adult swim Joshdm. I didnt like how they picked off some big names, other then that it kicked ass, They did Snake Eyes right and it was like the old cartoon yet they made it more graphic which suited me fine.
    I was really hoping for more characters to show up, it left me wonting more.
    Because some characters like Ship Wreck and Flint didn’t get that much time.

  • Victor Plenty

    I hope the DVD of this has lots of deleted scenes of Eccleston doing the mastermind thing, which some fan(s) with way too much time on their hands will re-edit into a brilliant short film and then post it on YouTube.

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