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the film criticism aspect of cyber | by maryann johanson

trailer break: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’ second trailer

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…


You know how yesterday I complained that there isn’t enough Christopher Eccleston in the trailer for Amelia? Well, here’s a second trailer for G.I. Joe, and he ain’t in it at all.

He’s the friggin’ super badass villain, with friggin’ laser beams on his head and stuff. How can he not be in the trailer? He destroys the Eiffel Tower, for Voldemort’s sake! How do you not acknowledge that? Are we supposed to take it from this trailer that the Eiffel Tower shoots a missile at itself?

We got a quick glimpse, at least, of Eccleston’s Destro in the first trailer.

I’m also quite peeved to be seeing huge-ass banners for the movie on multiplexes around Manhattan that do not feature my Chris at all.

Paramount is seriously dropping the ball here. If you want to get women older than 25 — and women other than those who are only getting dragged along to the movies to please their boyfriends — into the theaters for this movie, then how do you not play up the supersexy villain-in-Armani with the awesome accent? Or at least Dennis Quaid’s sexy good-guy team leader in his handsome military uniform?

Channing Tatum? Pul-leeze. Tell grownup girls that there’s at least one or two grownup guys to ogle here, and we’re so there.

I cannot wait to root for Destro in this…

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens in the U.S. and the U.K. on August 7.



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  • JoshDM

    No, not laser beams on his head. He plays Destro. He’s supposed to have a chrome helmet on his head. His entire head. Encased.

    In any event, any hope I had for this movie was ruined the moment they introduced those generic power suits. The whole concept behind the 80’s G.I. Joe team was that everyone has a specialty; once you make them generic, you remove that dynamic.

    You want an excellent modern re-interpretation of G.I. Joe? Watch Warren Ellis’ remake as “G.I. Joe : Resolute”. While it has some very minor failings, it IS what this movie probably should have been.

  • MBI

    Mark my words: What J.J. Abrams did for Star Trek, Stephen Sommers is going to utterly fail to do for G.I. Joe. Rather than find a way to update it while remaining true to its roots, this movie is looks every bit like the generic borefest the poster above me said it was.

  • Victor Plenty

    If seeing this was a job requirement for me (as it is for professional critics), I too would be rooting for Eccleston, and I’m not even a member of the “women older than 25” club.

  • MaryAnn

    You want an excellent modern re-interpretation of G.I. Joe?

    No, not really. :->

  • Tarot

    It aggravates me as well. From what Chris’ costars have said he did something really amazing too. At least the trailer in the theaters has him featuring prominently.

    I may end up rooting for Destro as well, even if this character scares me a bit.

  • PaulW

    My childhood memories now have enough trauma to qualify for a Lifetime Movie of the Week starring Odette Yustman, Scott Wolf, Stockard Channing and Nick Chinlund as the smarmy Hollywood executive out to destroy us all. All that’s left is a live-action Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers starring the Jonas Brothers to destroy whatever left’s of mah soul.

  • SaintAndy

    This movie has no appeal for me whatsoever .. I am so fed up with mindless action summer blockbuster films …but I think somebody should pass a law forbidding Hollywood to use toy lines/franchises as a pretext for movies …I mean, seriously, in the 21st century, with literally centuries of literature behind us, the best we can come up with is toys?!!

    If only such a law would spare us from another Bay Transformers film. Oh, yeah, and even if this film sucks (and considering Sommers is directing, it most likely will), it cannot possibly suck more than Transformers 2.

  • Is this a remake of Team America?

  • If so, I can’t wait for Dennis Quaid to deliver that “I’m not going to f**k your mouth…” line.

  • Martin

    @Bongwater; It’s the film that Team America spoofed.

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff is at it again.

    I think it’s a testament to how low my expectations are for this film, that my only complaint is when one of the Transformers, I mean GI Joes, jumps through the train. How can he suddenly be moving at the same velocity as the train if he’s moving in a perpendicular direction? There’s no way he could enter through one window and exit through the opposing one if the train it going at any kind of speed, no matter how fast he’s going.

    Oh Atheismo, I’m questioning Popcorn logic in the trailer, how could I survive the fim itself?

  • JoshDM
    You want an excellent modern re-interpretation of G.I. Joe?

    No, not really. :->

    Then stop linking the live action film, or at least provide a proper counter-balance.

    YO JOE!

  • Orangutan

    SaintAndy wrote: “it cannot possibly suck more than Transformers 2.”

    Oh ye of little faith. ;)

    I never really had any hope for this movie. Then I saw pictures of Sienna Miller as the Baroness, and they nailed the look. She has GOT it. But then I heard her speak in character, and she didn’t have the Baroness’s non-specific Eastern European accent. :(
    Then I saw some promo pics of Snake Eyes, and again (at least in the shots I saw) they nailed the look! And it’s Ray Park in there! Awesome! But then I saw closeups, without the visor on, and he has molded lips and nose in the mask, and he’s apparently wearing Dockers instead of, oh I don’t know, BDUs. :(

    And yet, I’ll probably still see it. I have a terminal case of morbid curiosity. Matinee, though. Definitely not full price. Or I may pull my first-ever theater hop.

  • Andrew

    Here’s what I don’t get about the whole revamp — from what the trailers have told me, the movie is about a crew of unique badasses, each one with an individual and endearing quirk, going up against a horde of unlikable dickweeds in faceless, generic black power suits. I’m okay with that setup. I know that setup.

    But aren’t I supposed to root against against the faceless mooks?

  • MaryAnn

    Then stop linking the live action film, or at least provide a proper counter-balance.

    I don’t see Christopher Eccleston in that cartoon.

    I couldn’t possibly care less about G.I. Joe. I just care about seeing Christopher Eccleston onscreen. And if they’re paying him a shitload of money so that he can then go and do low-paying theater and British TV that’s smart and intriguing and genuinely engrossing, so much the better.

  • Tarot

    Well said MaryAnn! :)

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