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the film criticism aspect of cyber | by maryann johanson

retro trailer: ‘Tiptoes’

Take a look back at an old trailer…


When I came across this recently (as a bonus nonpolitical post at the political blog Eschaton, which is one of my daily surfing stops), I was convinced it had to be a joke. There was no way in hell this could be real: it had to be the result of clever editing by a snarky film buff, or the doing of the wags at The Onion, or something. I knew this even though, at the same time, a little voice in the back of my head was noting that it was way too polished to not be real.

But it’s real. This is a real movie.

My god this plays like a demented parody of romantic comedies, and of trailers themselves. “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts”? Are they shitting us? “Command performances from Kate Beckinsale [and] Matthew McConaughey”? What? “And in the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman”? Bwahahahahahaha!

I think I saw this on Saturday Night Live once.

Of course you know I instantly ran to Netflix and added Tiptoes to my queue. At right at the tiptop, too — I cannot wait to see how awful this can be.

Tiptoes is out of print in Region 1, but used copies are available; it’s available new in Region 2.

(I might make retro trailers a regular Saturday feature. Lemme know what you think.)



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posted in:
dvd buzz | trailers
  • Ryan

    words entirely fail me. Gary Oldman must have been drugged and kidnapped. I just…wow.

  • Kayla

    The trailer is really cheesy and doesn’t do the movie justice. I saw this movie a few years ago, since I’m a huge fan of Kate Beckinsale.
    The movie was kinda of weird, but it’s worth watching, I think.

  • CR

    I saw this at AICN’s Buttnumbathon years ago and it SUCKED. Harry Knowles introduced it, saying the director said it was the ultimate “midget fucking movie”. It wasn’t. Though Knowles hadn’t seen it and he showed it because it seemed interesting based on the description. It was the world premiere and was projected off of a DVD. That year also showed House of 1000 corpses so, not every film shown was gold.

    It was directed by the guy who did Freeway and I love Freeway but this movie was a meandering mess. The version we saw was the “Director’s Cut”. The studio then took it away from him and re-cut it and this movie made me realize that sometimes, when the studio takes the film away, it’s for good reason. So even as bad as the DVD you get might be, trust me when I say the version we saw was worse.

  • Mimi

    Oh. My. God. I hope you do watch it, Mary Ann, and let us know if it’s as unbelievably awful as the trailer leads us to believe. That’s possibly the worst trailer ever — but maybe they couldn’t do TOO much better given the source material.

  • Mimi

    Also, do they just not KNOW what “command performance” means? Cause, I mean, unless Queen Elizabeth or someone was sitting around watching the filming… OR maybe if someone was holding a gun to McConnaughey and Beckinsale COMMANDING them to be in this thing — maybe that’s a new, alternate, and probably more likely definition…

  • stephanie b

    Um, isn’t dwarfism caused by a dominant gene? Well, I’m pretty sure achondroplasia is at least, and that’s the cause of 70% of the cases of dwarfism. So the chances of two average-sized people, regardless of their lineage, is actually pretty small.

    Geez, screenwriter, do some research.

  • stephanie b

    Oops. That sentence, which was of course my point, was supposed to read “So the chances of two average-sized people, regardless of their lineage, having a child with dwarfism is actually pretty small.”

  • Isabel

    You’re a little late with your scorn. This has been on the net for months. The voice-over is just silly.

    I’ve actually sat through this for the simple reason that I love Kate, but OMGAAWD. I have no idea what Beckinsale, Oldman, or anyone saw in this script. I have no idea what they were thinking signing on to this.

    It’s an indie movie so it couldn’t have been the money. I’d love to know why they all decided to do this thing. Maybe they’re all friends with the director and they were doing him a favour?! Oy.

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