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the film criticism aspect of cyber | by maryann johanson

the oh-no! DVD of the week: ‘My First MILF’

For a while it was looking like this would be the first week in which I wouldn’t stumble across a new DVD that deserved the oh-no! label. And then, way down on the listing of new releases at Amazon U.K., I found this. And there was much rejoicing.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate the term “mothers I’d like to fuck”? Have I pointed out that there’s no corresponding term for men: “fathers I’d like to fuck”? That’s because a man’s status as a parent is not considered a determining factor in whether or not he’s fuckable: his irresistibility to women doesn’t end merely because he has fathered a child. What a silly thought! But women… once you’re a mother, you’re probably no longer worth anyone’s time, hence the need for a phrase that specifically denotes those rare instances of femaleness that do, beyond all chance, remainable fuckable.

I think it’s the astonishment built into this despicable phrase that stings the most: “Holy shit, she’s someone’s mom… and I want to fuck her! What are the odds?!”



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  • The Rationalizer

    Man has a kid, nothing changes physically.
    Woman gives birth, and something about a hotdog and a hallway.

  • Accounting Ninja

    But men DO change, Rationalizer. They become assholes with big chips on their shoulders like you.
    …but perhaps I have been too harsh. The laughable lack of understanding of women’s bodies suggest that you may not be a man, but in fact a 12 year old boy whose knowledge of women come from such laudable sources as Family Guy and South Park.

  • JoshB

    Have I mentioned before how much I hate the term “mothers I’d like to fuck”? Have I pointed out that there’s no corresponding term for men: “fathers I’d like to fuck”?

    DILF

  • Ralph Jones

    MILF is just the newest greatest marketing term in Porn. They are saying stars are MILFs, and they haven’t even had kids. Sometimes is because they are past their prime.

  • doa766

    the notion of MILF has nothing to do with if the woman had a kid or not, it’s just about age, starting from late 30s

    no one has EVER called a 25 year old mother MILF

  • Accounting Ninja

    no one has EVER called a 25 year old mother MILF

    Actually, not true. My little brother in law and his friends are in their 20s, and when one of them dates a young single mother, there’s talk of MILF. It’s really whether they’ve had a kid, not their age. Though older women are often assumed to be mothers.

  • amanohyo

    Wait a sec now doa766, are you saying that the word mother has nothing to do with whether or not a woman has had a child or not? Or perhaps even worse, are you saying that the word mother is equivalent to the phrase “middle-aged woman” when incorporated into this charming acronym?

    I understand your point about young mothers being excluded (since I suppose the babies/toddlers are evidence of their fuckability?), but I’m not sure you can go so far as to say the term milf has nothing to do with being a mother.

    Still it must be nice to know that most guys have the ideal lifeplan of every woman all mapped out. Ladies, if you work really hard and make yourself sexy enough for the menfolk, you might manage to sustain your fuckability long enough to progress through all five stages of a successful life:

    underage – teen – babe – milf – mature

    Yup, a woman isn’t a woman unless she’s completely fucked. If only we poor mens had it so easy…

  • Colleen

    Well, the first time I heard the term MILF was in American Pie. Spoken by an asshole, sex-fiend teenager. And isn’t that the demographic most movies (and even more porn movies) aim for?

  • Pedro

    well, someone has beaten me to it, but i was about to say that MILF applies to any woman over 30/35 that is in good shape, regardless of whether or not they have kids. sort of like “cougar” for 40+ who still dress and act like teens or twentysomethings.

  • doa766

    what I’m saying is that any woman who’s older than 35 can be considered MILF by the porn industry regardless if she’s a mother or not

    this is similar to when old people are called grandpa or grandma without knowing if they have grandchildren or not, it’s assume to be so but it’s not excluding

    whoever buys a porn movie with MILFs is only expecting women of a certain age, nothing else, they couldn’t care less if they’re a mothers or not when they’re watching them fuck

    this is not complicated to understand

  • Saladinho

    Yeah, with doa766 and Pedro, MILF is a term for an older attractive woman, whether she’s a mother or not. It really doesn’t apply at all to a woman in her twenties, unless the person speaking it is a young teenager or something. I was all set to say something about it earlier, but The Rationalizer sort of knocked the train off the tracks…

  • bats :[

    Can THE Daryl Hannah sue the going-supernova (well, if these are “older women,” she can’t quite be a starlet, can she?) Darryl Hanah over a too-similar sounding name?

    This would be cool with Darrell Hammond as a DILF.

  • Matt

    It’s probably wishful thinking on my part, but I kinda think the original usage of the term (before the porn sleazeballs got a hold of it) had more to do with the fact that it’s a friend’s family member.

    So not so much with the “Whoa, she’s old, but she’s also hot!” and more with the “This woman (on her own merits) is so beautiful I would be willing to have my best friend hunt my ass down to have her.”

    Which come to think of it, that’s not much better…

  • Grinebiter

    Being a European, I had to have this acronym explained to me only recently. As in, last year; and the person of whom it was being used was Sarah Palin. Make of that what you will…..

    I once roomed with a Dutch agronomist who had worked on Madagascar, where (dunno about the whole nation, perhaps just in his patch) he said no one would marry a girl who had not yet borne a child — exactly like with the chimps in “The Uplift War”. So the girls had to acquire the necessary offspring in order to attract a husband.

  • Victor Plenty

    The Uplift War. That’s a connection I never would have thought of. Thanks, Grinebiter.

    If you haven’t read them yet, I highly recommend the second trilogy in the Uplift series.

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