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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

the oh-no! DVD of the week: ‘Shark Attack Lunch Box’

Huh. And here I thought there was an official unofficial moratorium are packing nonlunch things in pseudo retro lunch boxes if they didn’t actually have some sort of nostalgic value for the cohort of today’s consumers who once carried their bologna sandwiches to school in the 1960s and 70s in tin containers emblazoned with cartoon characters.

I guess here’s why this lunch box contains the 2004 direct-to-DVD horror flick Blue Demon: because it stars those Xer icons Dedee Pfeiffer and Randall Batinkoff in their classic roles as Drs. Nathan and Marla Collins:

shark experts working on a top-secret government project: to protect our shorelines by creating controlled shark patrols. When their project is sabotaged, the mutant great white sharks are released into American waterways. Out among the general population the smartest of the sharks, Red Dog, carries a neutron bomb on a mission to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge.

That’s beautiful.

The other DVD in the box, of course, is 2005’s Hammerhead, about the “brilliant but misguided scientist” — oh, is there any other kind? — “banished to a remote island [when] his stem cell research and DNA manipulation give birth to horrifying results.” This was called Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy when it aired on the Sci Fi Channel. Put anything from the Sci Fi Channel in a lunch box, and geeks are legally required to purchase it.

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  • Brian

    It’s a whole new subgenre of hipster accessories . . . not pseudo-retro nostalgia kitsch but postmodern Z-movie snarky kitsch. The irony ante is upped once again.

  • Matthew

    I’m disappointed that this didn’t include Shark Attack 3: Megalodon featuring John Barrowman and his famous line:


    which he explained in an interview with Jonathan Ross:


    NB: both links are quite rude and not safe for work.

  • Victor Plenty

    A neutron bomb to blow up a bridge sounded like nonsense until I double checked my facts. Turns out I was wrong about neutron bombs. They aren’t nearly as harmless to buildings and other infrastructure as I had thought, and one of them could easily destroy a bridge.

    Of course, the mutant shark delivery system still leaves the movie deep in snark territory.

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