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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

I give up

I feel more and more like Lily Tomlin every day: No matter how cynical I get, I can’t keep up.

Just like week I invented an imaginary supervillain for whom Play-Doh: The Motion Picture, Boggle: The Movie, and Trivial Pursuit: The Next Generation seemed beyond the pale, something only the depths of his depravity could come up with. It was satire. It was my auditioning for a spot on the Onion’s writing staff.

But even The Onion is indistinguishable from reality these days.

So I give up. I fucking give up. Do you hear that, universe? I’m done. Because now we have this:

Warner Bros. is making a Lego movie.

No shit.
From Variety:

Scribes Dan and Kevin Hageman are penning the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. Warners is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it’s described as an action adventure set in a Lego world.

Oh, they’re keeping the plot tightly under wraps? The fucking plot?

It’s bricks. Lego is plastic bricks. They’re seriously cool and all — I personally own, no kidding, a giant tub of 1,200 of them — but there is no fucking plot. There’s no plot.

There. Is. No. Plot.

They’re plastic bricks.

I mean: What the hell?

Dan Lin, who is shepherding Warner Bros.’ “Sherlock Holmes” and exec produced the studio’s upcoming family film “Shorts,”

Having seen Shorts and having heard of this stupid concept for a Legos movie, I am now deeply worried about the Sherlock Holmes flick.

will produce the movie through his Lin Pictures, which is also behind a “Tom and Jerry” film that will put the feuding animated characters in a live-action setting. The shingle’s Stephen Gilchrist serves as co-producer.

Oh please god, no: A live-action Tom and Jerry movie? *sob*

Directors and producers in town have attempted to make a Lego movie for years, approaching the Danish toymaker with various ideas, but Lego turned down most of them because it’s highly protective of its brand.

But the company sparked to Lin and the Hageman brothers’ embrace of core values Lego wanted to include in a film, especially “a fun factor, creativity and that imagination has no boundaries,” Lin told Daily Variety.

Now, come on: The minute you settle a concept into a film, and put it up on the screen, you have boundaried the imagination. You’ve said: This is what it is.

This is not about imagination and creative play. It’s about selling more Legos. It seems to me that this would be like making a movie about Cheerios to sell more Cheerios in a world where every-fucking-body who is going to eat Cheerios is already doing so, but what do I know? I’m not a fabulously wealthy Hollywood studio executive. They must be very smart indeed to be so well paid.

On the other hand, casting is a no-brainer:

(Lego Colonial Marine via BrickArms — check ’em out, they’re awesome.)

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movie buzz
  • Saladinho

    Heheh…Well, maybe it’ll be like this:

    No. It won’t. Will it?

  • Der Bruno Stroszek

    Haha, Saladinho, that’s exactly what I was going to post. If they get Michel Gondry to direct this, it could be a masterpiece.

  • Saladinho

    Ha! Indeed Herr Stroszek. Talk about a feast for the eyes…

  • meanwhile, i just read a whole article about how Lego is denying use of its product in the upcoming Spinal Tap production:

    “The cruel masters at Lego have denied Spinal Tap permission to include on an upcoming DVD a fan-made video of Lego figures performing “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight,” simply because the song features lyrics like “You’re too young and I’m too well hung” and “You’re sweet, but you’re just four feet and you still got your baby teeth.” Even the famed copyright jerks in the Rolling Stones allowed their likenesses to be used elsewhere in the DVD. Says Harry Shearer, “Lego are the only people who strictly said no … It was Lego Kafka.” [NYT]


  • In defence of Lego, the lego video games are cool.

    But you are right this will suck.

  • Yeah, RobertH has a point. The Lego video games are fun. And, ya know, the Clue movie was awesome.

    That said, I also am not holding out any hope for this whatsoever.

    Also, beginning the countdown to the first pedant to come in and tell us all that it’s LEGO® brand building blocks, not “Lego” or, god forbid, “Legos”.

  • Hollywood will stop serving us b-llsh-t if we can convince enough people to stop eating their b-llsh-t.

    I tried. I seriously tried to keep my friends from wanting to see this latest Transformers travesty, but noooo. I made my intention to them to avoid GI Joe at all costs very clear, and they still went on their own. But this, all this, has got to end. Just get your friends, get their family and friends, keep getting the word out, to just… please, for the love of GOD, stop spending money on Hollywood crap.

  • mel

    I heard there was also going to be a monopoly movie…

  • Chuck

    You all miss the main motivation for making this movie. The plastic tooling for the Burger King Toys is already done and paid for.

  • Paul

    Wall-E world, here we come.

  • amanohyo

    Sorry Paul, park’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

  • Michael

    “Coming for summer 2010: Movie Theater: The Movie!”

  • Tony

    You really don’t like Channing Tatum do you?

  • misterb

    We get the movies we deserve.
    To paraphrase Scoop Nisker –

    If you don’t like the films, go out and make some of your own

  • LaSargenta

    @ Tony: I don’t either. Not even if he was delivered to me tied up, gagged, and naked on a silver platter. So, she’s not alone.

    @ MaryAnn: I’m only going to take my son to see this movie if they include the lego-animated versions of Eddie Izzard’s “But, do you have a flag?” and “Death Star Canteen” peices.

  • Jurgan

    I take it you’ve never heard of Bionicle? The series is based on Legos, and while I’ve never seen it, I’ve heard it’s got a surprising depth. Basically, any concept is possible of transcending its crass origins if the people involved really care about storytelling. My favorite example is Singing in the Rain, which was made solely because the studio owned the rights to a bunch of songs and wanted to put them in a movie together, yet it’s now considered among the best movie musicals of all time.

    On the other hand, it’s more likely that something like this will not be good. I’m personally getting tired of how, every time something like this comes up, someone responds with “yeah, but Clue was good.” Okay, such a thing is possible, but it is unlikely.

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