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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

caption this! image from ‘Pandorum’

Fun for Wednesdays! We look at an image from an upcoming movie and write snarky, witty, or otherwise entertaining captions for it. No prizes, it’s just for fun.

Pandorum isn’t screening for critics, so I haven’t seen it, but if I were home, I might pop into a multiplex to check it out on opening day, just for the hell of it, because it’s nominally science fiction and I’m a big dork. But I’m not home, and by the time I get home, there will be too much else to catch up with. So this may be the closest I get to the movie till it ends up on DVD:


Overture Films tells us about the flick:

Two crew members are stranded on a spacecraft and quickly — and horrifically — realize they are not alone. Two astronauts awaken in a hyper-sleep chamber aboard a seemingly abandoned spacecraft. It’s pitch black, they are disoriented, and the only sound is a low rumble and creak from the belly of the ship. They can’t remember anything: Who are they? What is their mission? With Lt. Payton staying behind to guide him via radio transmitter, Cpl. Bower ventures deep into the ship and begins to uncover a terrifying reality. Slowly the spacecraft’s shocking, deadly secrets are revealed…and the astronauts find their own survival is more important than they could ever have imagined.

In other words, please do think about Pitch Black when you think about this movie. Because even though a few idiots didn’t like that movie, everybody cool did, and it made a ton of money, and Overture would like for Pandorum to make a ton of money too. Thank you.

Pandorum opens in the U.S. on September 25, and in the U.K. on October 2.

Visit the film’s IMDB page or official site for more info.

Caption away…



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  • Muzz

    “I said Warp Five not Wash Five!”

    (incidentally, apart from the use of the phrase “pitch black” this film sounds nothing at all like Pitch Black and seems more like Alien/s meets Event Horizon. Its timing, tone and allusions to body horror immediately call to mind a video game from last year called Dead Space)

  • Jennie

    Regis, I’d like to phone a friend.

  • christine

    Dennis Quaid’s ‘Flashdance’ homage needs some work.

  • Cyndy

    So, that’s what the red button does.

  • Leslie Carr

    Cpl Bower had been unable to obtain an upgrade to the Nostromo business cabin.

  • stryker1121

    Flashdance 2: Warp Drive

  • JoshDM

    “I’ve made it with a woman. Inform the men.”

  • Stefanie

    The day after the day after tomorrow wasn’t any better.

  • amanohyo

    “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry.”

  • Grinebiter

    @Amanohyo, that has to be the most perfect “caption-this” entry I have seen here or anywhere else.

    My poor effort will only make sense to Brits of a certain vintage, but there may be some others here, so:
    “I’ve started, so I’ll finish”.

  • bracyman

    “Whew!! Do *NOT* go in there!”

  • What, you didn’t like my Flashdance impression, you bastardo!

  • Mathias

    Sorry, MaryAnn, but this film doesn’t look like Pitch Black.

    It just looks like another Alien re-hash.

    But i’m a sucker for and-then-there-were-none, trapped in claustrophobic freight ship deep in space while hungry, scary aliens lurk everywhere sci-fi films.

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