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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

the oh-no! DVD of the week: ‘The Strawberry Shortcake Movie: Sky’s the Limit’

The pink! It burns!

Life is berry sweet in Berry Bitty City where Strawberry runs the Berry Cafe. But a sudden storm leaves Berry Bitty City with a gigantic problem. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends will have to move their whole tiny town unless they find a way to safely remove a huge boulder that threatens everything they hold dear. The storytelling Mr. Longface Caterpillar says he has an easy solution. Strawberry reluctantly agrees to follow him in an adventure-filled journey in search of his fabled Geyser Stone. When that journey ends in failure, Strawberry loses faith in herself. Can her friends restore her “Sky’s the Limit” attitude to help lead them to save the town?

I predict that Strawberry, despondent and suicidal after her failure, descends into a death spiral of heroin abuse and random sex with dangerous strangers and washes up comatose in a urine-soaked alleyway in Berry Bitty City’s pink-light district.

The Strawberry Shortcake Movie: Sky’s the Limit also introduces the magical Berrykins, mischievous little creatures who grow and harvest berries from the nearby strawberry fields.

Also, the Berrykins run the Delicious Fluffernutter and Jam Rehab Center, where Strawberry cleans up in time for The Strawberry Shortcake Movie II: Strawberry Interrupted.

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  • JoshDM
  • i automatically cringe and want to tear my eyes out and hide the children far, far away when any program, movie or book makes *everything* into its theme.

    Berry Bitty City

    see, also: Smurf *anything*!

    *shudder* time to get out my trusty Vorpal Blade: Berryslayer!

  • the rook

    no, no, no…

    if she’s following a caterpiller, she’ll probably end up in an opium den.


  • Paul

    If we’re rescuing girls from a horrible future of opium and prostitution, I have dibs on the one in the middle.

  • @Paul: er… uhm… you *do* know they’re badly rendered CGI characters, don’t you?

  • Paul

    Well, I guess I can wait for the live action verison to come out, probably staring Lindsey Lohan, Beyounce, and Britteny Spears. But if the blonde is played by Avirl Lavigne, I reserve the right to change my choice.

  • Victor Plenty

    Wow, Paul. Four women’s names and somehow you managed to get a misspelling into every single one.

    Not that I would normally complain about spelling, but this is an impressive achievement in the field of stealthily disguised and plausibly deniable disrespect.

  • Paul

    All four? Jeez. Thing is, I’ve heard of all of them, I’ve seen their pictures, but since I don’t read about them . . . you should see me stumble over Christine Ag-u-liar-a?

    Actually, when I was a kid, I read about dinosaurs, so I could spell their names, but mispronounced them all the time.

  • Paul

    I just remembered something else: when I first heard of a certain white rapper, I wondered if he had to pay royalties to a candy company for use of their brand name as his stage name. Can any of you guess whose name I really misspelled?

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