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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

watch it: “IF YOU USE CONDOMS YOU WILL NOT BE RAPTURED”

Insane. Listen for the hilarious deployment of sports metaphors, and later the dissing of the false Rapture prophets:

You have been warned, all you unchaste fornicators.

(via Feministing)



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  • Hdj

    Its quacks like this that start those heavens gate cults.

  • Bill

    Fuck. And there’s a giant iceberg heading straight for Australia. Just can’t catch a break today.

  • JoshDM

    Hey, don’t forget the UFOs in Norway.

  • amanohyo

    1) There will likely be more than 144,000 Christian babies alive if and when the Rapture occurs. That means that at least some Christian babies will miss the Rapture train and be subjected to eternal torture and suffering. That’s some high quality resource management from our heavenly bureaucrats.

    2) What would the Pope (or any other crazy person) say if a man collected all of his spilled seed and froze it in a sperm bank for possible future use? Is it still considered spilled? What about pious men who have wet dreams? Are they going to Hell? And if Catholics go into that little booth and talk about their impure spillage, aren’t they good with Jesus and the Big Guy again?

    Religion is so confusing. I don’t know how believers keep all the rules and rituals straight. Some people say that of course they don’t believe that the Bible is the literal truth, but they do believe in a Christian God. How in Hades do they pick out which parts are true and which aren’t? That seems like an awfully complicated thing to do, especially when you aren’t allowed to be rational.

  • Orangutan

    How in Hades do they pick out which parts are true and which aren’t? That seems like an awfully complicated thing to do, especially when you aren’t allowed to be rational.

    I’ve theorized (along with Egg Shen, from Big Trouble in Little China) that a lot of people treat their religion as a kind of spiritual buffet table, taking what they like and leaving the rest.

  • misterb

    I’ve theorized (along with Egg Shen, from Big Trouble in Little China) that a lot of people treat their religion as a kind of spiritual buffet table, taking what they like and leaving the rest.

    So, Orangutan, the question then becomes, how do they decide what they like? Maybe I’d put it another way: a lot of people take their rationality like a buffet table, choosing how rational to be based on their acceptance of reality.

  • Accounting Ninja

    I’ve theorized (along with Egg Shen, from Big Trouble in Little China) that a lot of people treat their religion as a kind of spiritual buffet table, taking what they like and leaving the rest.

    My dad calls these “Cafeteria Catholics”. I never got the whole religion thing myself, especially nutters like this.

  • Rosalyn

    Monty Python had it right – you just need to refer to following:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk

  • JoshB

    I love the Shatnerian delivery…

    “And in the… next life…you will suffer…for all eternity.”

    It could be that God intends to roast condom users in hellfire forever. It is possible. The Coprophet of the Endtimes Dude can believe that his all-loving Creator is a sadistic prick, and no one can prove him wrong.

    You can, however, prove him wrong that condoms stop AIDS. It’s funny how AIDS, which apparently is God’s punishment for using condoms, is actually prevented by doing the very thing it’s supposed to be punishing.

    God is a sadistic prick, AND an incompetent moron. I think the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse is playing for the wrong team.

  • JoshB

    You can, however, prove him wrong that condoms stop AIDS

    …prove him wrong that condoms don’t stop AIDS.

    Must. Proofread. More. Carefully.

  • Cyndy

    What’s the referee hand signal for getting snipped? Is that a “personal foul”? Fifteen yard penalty? Or what?

  • Bluejay

    Anyone here ever heard of Tim Minchin? He’s an outstanding Australian comedian/performer who does hilarious (and thoughtful at the same time) pro-secular songs. He’s a great antidote to people like Mr. Third Eagle and to religious/mystical irrationality in general.

    Here’s a favorite: “Storm” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB_htqDCP-s

    I discovered him through the blog The Meming of Life (Parenting Beyond Belief), which is a great resource for secular parents: http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=3353

  • Bluejay

    And, coming back to Mr. Third Eagle–I would really love to see how people like him would fare when locked in a room with Christopher Hitchens:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9EDSKrC8bg

  • mel

    Bluejay, love love love Tim Minchin! Going to see him in Feb next year (my personal (and seasonal) favourite is Christmas song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0s68-GLGWY )

    I just wonder, with only 144,00o of us making it through, then i have a pretty low chance of doing it, so why bother??
    I’ll just keep on fornicating then.

  • JoshB

    Bluejay, thanks for the Tim Minchin link. I laughed all the way through. He’s a man after my own heart.

  • It’s funny how AIDS, which apparently is God’s punishment for using condoms, is actually prevented by doing the very thing it’s supposed to be punishing.

    Provided, of course, the condom doesn’t break.

    Then again, I often found odd that it wasn’t until the AIDS epidemic that Western society found this sudden need for condom stores. Apparently it wasn’t enough to buy AIDS prevention devices–i.e. condoms–in a local drugstore–incidentally, I worked in a drugstore during the mid-1980s and knew for a fact that condoms weren’t exactly a scarce commodity in such places–you had to go to a special place to buy them.

    And it wasn’t enough to just buy regular-colored condoms–they had to be sold in a variety of colors–and be glow in the dark to boot. Of course, it just could be that the type of person who found it necessary to visit a condom store instead of the local drug store just didn’t have all that much of an imagination to begin with. Which means that it was a good thing that such stores often sold things that weren’t condoms–including a lot of items you didn’t really expect to see sold in a Puritanical society like the U.S. And rumor has it that they still sell such stuff today. Not that I’d know, of course…

  • Oops!

    I meant it to read like this, of course:

    It’s funny how AIDS, which apparently is God’s punishment for using condoms, is actually prevented by doing the very thing it’s supposed to be punishing.

    Provided, of course, the condom doesn’t break.

    Then again, I often found odd that it wasn’t until the AIDS epidemic that Western society found this sudden need for condom stores. Apparently it wasn’t enough to buy AIDS prevention devices–i.e. condoms–in a local drugstore–incidentally, I worked in a drugstore during the mid-1980s and knew for a fact that condoms weren’t exactly a scarce commodity in such places–you had to go to a special place to buy them.

    And it wasn’t enough to just buy regular-colored condoms–they had to be sold in a variety of colors–and be glow in the dark to boot. Of course, it just could be that the type of person who found it necessary to visit a condom store instead of the local drug store just didn’t have all that much of an imagination to begin with. Which means that it was a good thing that such stores often sold things that weren’t condoms–including a lot of items you didn’t really expect to see sold in a Puritanical society like the U.S. And rumor has it that they still sell such stuff today. Not that I’d know, of course…

  • Dart

    Wait, did he just say that instead of using condoms, we should just pull out?

  • Kimberly

    He said that withdrawal is a “Planned Parenthood” technique! Er, not the last time I checked.

    As a religious person myself, I’d just like to point out that this guy is on the remostest nutjob fringe of Christianity. I am so sorry.

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