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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

watch it: “After The Rapture Pet Care Introduction”

It’s the first cat (and dog and parrot and ferret) video of the End Times:

Stupid God, won’t let our pets be raptured! But will you really trust a heathen atheist unsaved pagan — or even an unraptured Christian (they must have done something wrong) — to look after Mr. Snuggles after you’ve been transported straight to heaven by Jesus himself? Won’t you worry that they’ll, you know, roast Mr. Snuggles over a spit in order to feed themselves after the Antichrist burns all the wheat crops?


It’s stuff like this that makes me believe that all those so-called Christians have their fingers crossed behind their backs and are laughing at us for being so gullible as to think they actually believe junk like this.

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  • Kenny

    Hah! I wonder if I could make actual cash money offering my atheist pet care services to worried Christians. :)

  • Kimberly

    hilarious! although, sad to say, I know a bunch of people from evangelical backgrounds who were terribly frightened by exactly these sorts of worries when they were children. Belief in the rapture is by no means universally held by Christians. Its prominence in American religion is just another legacy of America’s being colonized by large groups of people who were too nutty to be accepted in their native countries: a legacy with results both brilliant and laughable.

  • heh. I need to get in on this. The gullible love to part with their cash! LOL

  • hmmm.. what if you’re raptured and your *children* aren’t? perhaps Rapture Orphan Care is next!

  • LaSargenta

    Funny you should ask that, bronxbee.

    Saturday, May 1, 2004




    GK: Who are you?

    SS (ADENOIDAL CHILD): Melissa.

    GK: Where’s your family?

    SS: I don’t know. They just went away and left me behind.

    GK: Left behind?

    SS: Uh huh.

    GK: Any idea where they went?

    SS: No.

    GK: They didn’t say anything?

    SS No.

    GK: Suddenly they were just gone?

    SS: Yes.

    GK: Is your family Baptist?

    SS: Yes.

    GK: Are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?

    SS: (WEEPILY) Yes.

    GK: You’re thinking maybe they were raptured.

    SS: (WHISPER) Yes.

    GK: I guess we could look around and see if there are other saved people here—–

    SS: Okay.

    GK: Do you see people carrying a black leather-bound King James Bible with a concordance and a little yellow ribbon to mark where you are in your daily Scripture reading? Do you see any WWJD bumper stickers?

    SS: No.

    GK: How about people with their eyes closed and their hands in the air? See any of those?

    SS: No.

    GK: How about people with little crosses on chains around their necks?

    SS: Just Catholics.

    GK: Oh. Well, let’s go straight to the top. Just a sec. (DIALING BEEPS. PHONE RING AT OTHER END. SECOND RING. THIRD RING. FOURTH RING. PICK UP)


  • Drave

    I seriously thought this was a spoof until I went to the website. I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s not a spoof.

  • Patrick


    What is scary, though, is many of those “so-called Christians” do NOT “have their fingers crossed behind their backs” at all. I personally know that many of them completely believe that bat-shit crazy stuff no matter how educated and/or (seemingly) intelligent they may be. I assume some of the religious leaders, though, ARE laughing…

  • Josh C.

    As a Jew who growing up had parents who never allowed pets, this seems like a perfect excuse to own a slew of already housebroken pets. Brilliant!

  • Martin

    But after the rapture, we’re all going to go about killing, raping and generally have a good time since Big Daddy has given up on us (either that are crying out that we were wrong, Rapture types can never make up their mind) so we won’t have time to look after some pets.
    And besides, if you’re up there with the infinite love of Jebus, you’ll forget about everything else as you enter a near Twi-hard level of bliss so who care about your pets?

    But I still think that the better Rapture story is that they are pushing for airline companies to ensure that every Christian pilot has an Atheist co-pilot. Just in case.

  • Victor Plenty

    Oh Lord! Straight to hell for me, I’m afraid, because of how hard that video made me laugh.

    But the more I think about it, the harder I laugh!

    Ack! It must be demonic possession! Now I’m really screwed.

  • Captain Swing

    Just think of the Oh Shit! moment that lot are going to have on their death bed.

  • EnglerP
    mmm.. what if you’re raptured and your *children* aren’t? perhaps Rapture Orphan Care is next!

    As far as i know http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InfantImmortality is invoked and under a certain age, they are automatically raptured.

    BTW: While were at it, i recommend Fred Clarks hilarious and insightful deconstruction of the (badly written) Rapture-Fanfiction ‘Left behind’. (The comment section is also recommendable)

  • Drave

    The thing is, if that site is a joke, it’s ruined by them specifically saying “This isn’t a joke.” If it’s not a joke, than these people should be utterly ashamed of themselves for creating it. As I understand it, Christianity is supposed to be about selflessness and giving and loving everybody and whatnot. I freely admit I am not a Christian, but I am pretty sure that actually spending money to buy the life of your pet at the cost of a soul is something Jesus would frown upon. Anyone who signs up for this service is saying, in no uncertain terms, “I know there are good people who are going to hell, and I am going to exploit them to make sure my pet is cared for.”

  • I’m more in Bzero’s camp. I think the people doing this believe that Christians are gulliable enough to believe this, not atheists. Makes me wonder where I can get a Christian mailing list.


    What a bunch of assholes these religious kooks are! This is the best thing ever and I wish I had thought of it.

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