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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

trailer break: ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!


Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Whatisface promises to love Whatserface every moment forever!

Oh no oh no oh no oh no! The Vulturi don’t give second chances!

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Whatiswerewolf face wants her to pick him instead! Cuz he might be better for her than that other guy is! But the other guy will protect her no matter what!

I think I might actually die right now.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opens in the U.S. and Canada on June 30, and in the U.K. on July 9.



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  • Keith

    I think I might actually die right now.

    That would save you the trouble of seeing the movie and then trying to decide if you should kill yourself before or after writing the review.

  • Drave

    Is it just me, or did young mister Lautner totally botch the line reading of his one not-quite-horrible (almost clever but still pretty bad) line? “Until your heart stops beating” could have been a decent line, but I think the intended subtext went right over his head.

    I don’t know why I keep seeing these terrible movies. They are like sparkly train wrecks.

    Vampire Tori Amos has mad hops, though, and that’s pretty entertaining to me. Our technology has come a long way in the field of making people leap really far.

  • “They are like sparkly train wrecks.”

    That blurb should totally go on the movie poster. B)

  • Christine

    There is more nuance and pathos on Dark Shadows. Also a plus, Quentin doesn’t fall in love with a baby and Barnabas doesn’t sparkle.

  • MaryAnn

    They are like sparkly train wrecks.

    Yup, that’s the appeal, right there.

  • Alli

    Am I the only one who laughed at that meadow? I don’t know why, but I find it hilarious. I think it’s because Pattison and Stewart are trying so hard to act serious in a scene that looks like the sexual fantasy of a 13 year old girl.

  • MaryAnn

    looks like the sexual fantasy of a 13 year old girl.

    Looks like? Is.

  • Kate

    After seeing this trailer, I joined the facebook group “Movement to Turn ‘That’s So Gay’ into ‘That’s So Twilight'”. Christ I’m glad I’m not a preteen girl anymore.

  • Dr. Rocketscience

    I’ll be glad when these movies are completed. Not because of any strong feelings about their quality. But rather so that the excessive hyperbole and emotional response this franchise evokes from people can just fade into the cultural background.

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