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the film criticism aspect of cyber | by maryann johanson

what a girl wants

I was already down with the A-Team movie, just because:

1) hello! A-Team movie

2) silliest TV show ever

3) someone else noticed how awesome Sharlto Copley is

But then I saw this image at Yahoo! Movies, part of a roundup about the most anticipated movies of the upcoming spring/summer season:


And I almost fainted. This is the hottest photo to cross my desktop since at least yesterday. Two rugged manly masculine manly rugged but sensitive soldiers of fortune, and Bradley Cooper is caressing a phallic shotgun while also modeling his conveniently outlined crotch in case we’d forgotten that he’s superhot and totally not gay — not that that wouldn’t be hot, too — and Liam Neeson, who is definitely 100-percent-no-snarking not gay, gazing right into the camera as if to purr, “Come and get it, ladies.”

I’ll be in my bunk.

And here’s what Yahoo! Movies is all hot and bothered about:

Here’s a twist: Nostalgic ladies (primarily 35-64) make up more than two-thirds of the film’s online look-ups. Now what if someone could combine SATC with The A-Team…

How is it a twist that women like looking at hot guys? And on what planet would it be a good thing if someone could combine Sex and the City with The A-Team (unless the guys were able to remove those screechy materialistic nitwits from the universe forever)?

My pal bronxbee forwarded this to me because she was furious about Yahoo!’s spin, and at first I was furious, too. And then I found it funny. Because, not that Yahoo! Movies exactly qualifies as film journalism, but if this is the fundamental disconnect from reality that the corporate media is operating under, it can’t die soon enough. It certainly can’t go much further to prove itself irrelevant.

Seriously, someone needs to send a memo: There are lots of women in the world who would rather see hot guys saving the planet and imagine ourselves fucking them afterward while they’re still sweaty and amped up on testosterone than listen to a bunch of whiny narcissists bitching about the men they’re not fucking, or the men who aren’t fucking them right, or whatever. A serious drama about real problems real people have with real relationships is another thing entirely, and a good thing. But when it comes to fantasy, I — and lots of other women — don’t dream about shoes or $30 salads in fancy restaurants with women we can’t stand. And I certainly don’t fantasize about complaining about men. I dream about being a MaryAnn sandwich between Bradley Cooper and Liam Neeson.



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easter eggs | movie buzz
  • Ralph

    So women like to have sex, too? This comes as a bit of a shock ;-)

  • First thought, I would dream of being the sandwich meat on “Firefly” myself. There’s room for a fourth guy on that ship.

    Second thought, that’s a lot of nifty looking weaponry for a bunch of guys that never killed anybody, at least not on TV.

  • Pathlight

    Just to be clear we are talking fun and fantasy and fantasy is subjective so here goes:

    Bradley Cooper-Meh. I don’t think he has leading man good looks. He’s alright and he seems like a nice guy.

    Liam Neeson-He seems like a nice man plus he gets points for being married to Natasha Richardson. You can watch them fall in love in the movie “Nell”. Her passing was heartbreaking.

    First I am female but I believe men should “put out”. What I mean by that is a man should put on a show and show mommy the goods. Here is a list of men I’d like to thank for allowing the camera to capture their beauty.

    Rock Hudson-The most beautiful human ever born to the earth. He is stunning to behold.

    Brad Pitt-in Legends of the fall, A river runs through it and Troy. He apparently is now bored with being handsome all his life.

    John Travolta-in Urban Cowboy, Saturday Night Fever

    Jake Gyllenhall-Young, hot and gorgeous.

    Matthew McConaughey-Hollywood hasn’t found the right vehicle for his talents. I don’t much care what he is in, he’s nice to watch.

    Patrick Swayze-Dirty Dancing. Absolute physical perfection and boy did he shake them tight hips.
    R.I.P Patrick.

    Richard Gere-An officer and a Gentleman. No words.

    Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-Gorgeous to watch. Hollywood should do better by him. Give him something to do.

    Channing Tatum-Don’t much care what he is in Nice on the eyes. Hope Hollywood lets him develop.

    This list is pretty old school. I’m not a fan of the leading man choices Hollywood is doling out of late. The everyday Joes that you see everyday anyway in your normal life. The Paul Blarts of cinema.

    BTW-I am aware of the gay issues some of the guys on my list have. I don’t care makes ’em hotter. Freud said women have penis envy. Well if I had a penis some on this list is what I’d use it for. Hope I didn’t cross the line. Again this was just for fun.

  • Josh C.

    Liam Neeson in that photo looks like Betty Draper’s extramarital lover, Henry Francis. Does that mean you’ve proceeded to your fainting couch?

  • Pathlight

    Regarding Sex and the City. The movie and the tv series are completely different, odd but true. I am not sure where the blame lies but I have my suspicions.

    The movie is totally watered down and cheesy as compared to the series. I suppose it was dumbed-down quite a bit for mass consumption.

    The series was witty, intelligent, and irreverent. It was on HBO, six million viewers an episode for six years that some pedigree. It has a shout-out in a Jay-Z song, he don’t mess with B when she’s watching SATC. (B is Beyonce)

    It tackled religion, sexuality, inter-racial relationships, politics, homosexuality, lesbianism, fetishes, cancer in a comedy. It did have shoe porn and real estate porn and fashion porn but it’s New York and the show was set and shot there. It did also touch on subjects of food, art and literature comedically.

    The series had far less neediness as far as marriage and children. No one had kids or were married until the final year or two of the series (the jump the shark years). The themes were a lot more adult and funny.

    It’s unfair to infer that SATC is shallow and insipid thus a reflection of the millions who watch it. The shallowness comes from the Hollywood machine that insists that women be treated like children and prescribes our viewing choices.

    PS: Cynthia Nixon comes out as gay before the movie opens which is totally badass and anti-establishment. That must’ve pissed a couple Hollywood execs. Also no one batted an eye when she came out as far as fans of the show and that’s because in the series she was totally badass not so much in the movie. Later Gators!!!!

  • Isobel

    Not averse to some sweaty men saving the world myself, I regularly thank evolution for the likes of Clive Owen, Matt Damon and Daniel Craig and would far rather watch them running around being masculine than the next SATC movie (although I was a fan of the series). Never got the whole Brad Pitt thing, though.

    Also, we need more Nathan Fillion on film. Please.

  • What, no love for B.A.? (Or Murdock, for that matter?)

    And on what planet would it be a good thing if someone could combine Sex and the City with The A-Team (unless the guys were able to remove those screechy materialistic nitwits from the universe forever)?

    I guess if the SATC ladies have a problem, and if no one else can help, and if they can find them…

    You all have seen the rockin’ second trailer, right?

  • Second thought, that’s a lot of nifty looking weaponry for a bunch of guys that never killed anybody, at least not on TV.

    LOL! I’m actually hoping they’ll honor that aspect of it in the movie: nobody dies. I doubt it, but I’ll be very impressed if that’s the case.

  • AlsoKT

    Even as part of the female population who would be even happier with hot ladies saving the planet (on the condition of realistic combat gear, though, people) with the sweaty and the dirty and the BFGs, I’m gonna have to agree, here. Bradley Cooper has never done it for me on any level, but that photo? Up there?

    I would be in my bunk except I just woke up from Karl Urban and I’m not sure how much bunk time I’m allowed on a weekday.

    SATC is fine. It just serves a different purpose. You wouldn’t try to combine sushi with cookie dough ice cream, no matter how delicious the two are separately.

  • I_Sell_Books

    I will be in my own bunk. Seriously with the hot.

  • that article did make me furious but it wasn’t for just that one comment… it was the whole article took this surprised tone that so many women were looking forward to movies this summer! JEEZ! 51% of the population here.

    however, i do find the above photo makes me fan myself and say, “Oh my!”

  • NorthernStar

    Bluejay – thanks for the link to the trailer.

  • Missy

    Bradley is such a gorgeous studmuffin.

  • I_Sell_Books

    I swear I think it’s the lock of hair over Bradley’s forehead that does it for me.

  • What? No love yet for Robert Downey, Jr.? (Yes, I see him on your Bias Meter, MaryAnn.)

    Will this be the movie where Liam Neeson actually releases his kraken? One can only hope…

  • Geenana

    Amen sister! A friend and I joke about a Liam Neeson-Viggo Mortenson sandwich. I’ve recently decided that they need to be experienced individually first. They look exceptionally fun.

  • wooster182

    I’m assuming Yahoo is thinking it’s a twist that women are looking up a remake of an old male-centered tv show. It probably didn’t cross their minds that women are looking the film up because Bradley Cooper and Liam Neeson are gorgeous. On the sexist side, it probably also didn’t cross their minds that some women (like myself) prefer watching hot men blow shit up rather than sex crazed silly old women making a mockery of their sex.

  • @wooster182: i must say that it is the A-Team that gets me psyched for this movie; not the individual team members. i loved the old, silly, preposterous show, but certainly never thought any of the characters were gorgeous or sexy or even attractive. (Face, for me, was the *least* attractive of them). it’s just the whole silly show being portrayed on the big screen by some cool actors that has me excited. women can look forward to a movie without sex being involved. really.

  • wooster182

    Bronxbee, I didn’t mean to imply that women don’t like the original A-Team just because of the show. I’m sure there are female fans looking forward to that as well, just like yourself. And there are some women that just like action movies. I am one of them. But the actors being unbelievably hot doesn’t hurt either. ;)

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