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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

damn those high-society film critics, anyway

Does everyone entertain such misconceptions about film critics as Jamie Dexter at TheLeafChronicle.com? His defense of the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street is headlined:

Don’t heed the high-paid critics, ‘Nightmare’ is terrifyingly good

And then it goes on:

If it’s a remake or a horror film, critics are going to hate it.

And by critics, I mean the high-paid guys/gals who get to see films with the rest of high-society and aren’t experiencing the joy of real people reacting to a film.

This explains so much: I am high society and not a real person. I feel real, but that must be an illusion. And now I understand why there’s always cucumber sandwiches at press screenings. That never made any sense to me before. I’ve always politely taken a linen napkin to rest across my lap during the movie, but I’ve never had the nerve to ask about the finger bowls. My bad.



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  • Well, I saw this with a “real” audience, and I can’t tell what I hated more: the film itself or the twelve dozen cell phones whipped open during the film.

    I could’ve been served filet mignon during “Elm Street,” and it wouldn’t change the fact that it was not only a remake that brought zero innovation or substantial change to the table but one that wasn’t even aesthetically pleasing.

    Wake me when horror movies stop trying to hide themselves and actually let me see what I’m supposed to be scared of.

  • Ah, and as one of those high-fallutin’ critics, I suppose thinking “Daybreakers” was a pretty boss flick carries no salt with Dexter.

  • Drave

    Imagine if these people found out about the secret screening rooms on the moon, and the complimentary chocolate and diamonds they hand out as you come in!

  • mortadella

    Why does Dexter get to be a really real person?
    *Sniff* I wanna be real too!

  • Knightgee

    High-paid…film critics? Wha…?

    MaryAnn, are you secretly rich and just not telling us?

  • MaryAnn

    Why does Dexter get to be a really real person?

    He wished very hard, and Geppetto made him a real boy.

  • MaryAnn

    MaryAnn, are you secretly rich and just not telling us?

    I am! Those screening rooms on the moon: I own them.

  • Well, it’s one of those self-fullfilling prophesies, you see. If you convince people to stop reading critics because they are elites, then critics will lose audience, and then critizism will be so poorly paid that only rich people will be able to be critics.

  • Orangutan

    He wished very hard, and Geppetto made him a real boy.

    COMPLETELY unrelated to the topic at hand, but if you find yourself with some spare reading time, I really recommend you pick up the Vertigo series ‘Fables’. You’ll get a whole different view of Pinocchio. :)

    http://www.amazon.com/Fables-Vol-1-Legends-Exile/dp/1563899426/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273358878&sr=8-1

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