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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

new this week in U.S., Canadian, and U.K. theaters: ‘Jonah Hex,’ ‘Toy Story 3,’ ‘Killers,’ ‘MacGruber,’ more

U.S. AND CANADA/OPENING WIDE

Jonah Hex: Josh Brolin is a disfigured half-zombie gunfighter in the weird Old West. And it’s kinda not a comedy. [trailer] review to come

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: The Complete Series (1993): The sadly short-lived Fox TV series is the ultimate in Western science-fantasy comedy. Plus it stars Bruce Campbell, which is never bad.
Young Guns (1988): As overblown as a Bon Jovi music video, and dumb as a bag of rocks. And it’s still kinda better than Jonah Hex.
American Outlaws (2001): It’s the Western as cheesy beefcake, which also makes it more entertaining than Hex.
No Country for Old Men (2007): For more Josh Brolin in the new West, though here his character is of a considerably dumber bent.

Toy Story 3: Woody and Buzz and the gang are back. I’ll attend a midnight screening tonight and report asap. review to come

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Toy Story (1995): Well, naturally.
Toy Story 2 (1999): Even better than the first one.
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993): Some cute animals struggle on long, arduous journey to find their people, almost exactly like Woody and Buzz have to do. *sob*
Babes in Toyland (aka March of the Wooden Soldiers) (1934): Laurel and Hardy in fairy-tale land. (Fairy tale characters are what we had before we had trademarked toy characters developed by global megacorps for irresistible cuteness.)
U.S. AND CANADA/OPENING LIMITED

Cyrus Maybe the weirdest love triangle ever, and not just because Jonah Hill and John C. Reilly are competing for the affections of Marisa Tomei. [trailer] review to come

I Am Love Tilda Swinton is a Russian wife and mother in an Italian movie about a fucked-up family. Fun. [trailer] review to come

The Killer Inside Me Michael Winterbottom’s controversial thriller about a man who loves murdering women. I like Casey Affleck a lot, but I suspect this is gonna try my patience. (available on demand) [trailer] review to come

The Nature of Existence Just a quick documentary look at a few small things, such as life, the universe, and everything. [trailer] review to come

U.K.

Killers: Ashton Kutcher as a professional killer for the CIA is laughable. Alas that Katherine Heigl as his idiot wife is not.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005): This is what the screwball romantic comedy/hired killer movie should be.
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997): Or it could look like this. Extra hint: Ashton Kutcher is no John Cusack.
Legally Blonde (2001): If Katherine Heigl wants to get away with being a dumb blonde, she should study this flick — coincidentally also from director Robert Luketic — and discover that it’s about not actually being dumb at all.
Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000): For pretty much the only movie Ashton Kutcher and his dumb-brunet act have not been a detriment to.

MacGruber: I think MacGyver should kick MacGruber’s ass… with some chewing gum and a paperclip, of course.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Die Hard (1988): Why not go for one of the great action sorta-comedies instead? It’s gotta be funnier…
Hot Fuzz (2007): One of the best sendups of the action genre, about small-town English cops.
Wayne’s World (1992): If you need a Saturday Night Live movie, go for the best.
Superstar (1999): But if you really need a terrible SNL movie, here ya go.

Our Family Wedding: Familial hilarity desperately tries to ensue when a Hispanic woman and an African-American man announce their engagement to be married. No, this is not a period piece set in the 1950s.

Wild Target: Hey, it’s another hitman comedy, starring Bill Nighy, Emily Blunt, Rupert Everett, and Rupert Grint.


Where to buy/watch:
The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: The Complete Series [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.]
American Outlaws [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Babes in Toyland [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Die Hard [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Dude, Where’s My Car? [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Grosse Pointe Blank [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.]
Hot Fuzz [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Legally Blonde [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Mr. & Mrs. Smith [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
No Country for Old Men [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Superstar [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Toy Story [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Toy Story 2 [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Wayne’s World [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Young Guns [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]



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