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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

wtf: Smurfs movie is totally uncalled for

Proof that there is no god: A Smurfs movie will be hurled at us in 2011, whether we want it or not. And it will be about Smurfs magically transported from whatever frakkin’ magical forest they live in to New York City. Like Enchanted, I guess. Only evil.

It will be called The Smurfs.


I hope they all get crushed under a taxi. I hope they get suckered into buying overpriced fake Rolexes in Times Square. I hope they get lost on the subway and end up in Crown Heights. I hope they encounter that crafty well-dressed beggar in Grand Central who pretends to have been mugged and just needs some money to buy a train ticket home. I hope they– oh, what’s the point?

From USA Today:

A live-action comedy about the little blue forest-dwellers is being shot in New York, and here is a first peek at the formerly 2-D Grouchy, Papa and Clumsy, reimagined through computer animation and eventual 3-D projection. A trailer makes its debut Thursday on Yahoo.com; the film arrives in August 2011.

Until now, the Smurfs have existed only in the Middle Ages among knights, kings and wizards, such as their nemesis Gargamel (played by Hank Azaria) and his cat Azrael.

Hank Azaria, why are you doing this to me? Are you trying to make me hate you? Cuz it’s working.

Also: Neil Patrick Harris will appear in this abomination. As a human. Showing his face and everything. And not even as Dr. Horrible with a plan to destroy them. *sob*

USA Today again:

You’ll see the Smurfs “as fully living, breathing creatures,” Gosnell says. “They’re little mammals. They’re vulnerable little creatures in our big modern world.”

Okay, so the Smurfs are mammals who reproduce like mammals do. So all the hounddoggery of the male Smurfs really was because they had to fight with one another to get into Smurfette’s pants? When Donnie Darko said that Smurfs “don’t even have… reproductive organs under those little white pants,” he was wrong.

This is going to be so gross. Of course it is: it’s from auteur Raja Gosnell, whose oeuvre includes such masterpieces as Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Scooby-Doo, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, and Big Momma’s House. What could go wrong?

Be warned: There’s teaser trailer attached to Toy Story 3.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled apocalypse.



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  • Orangutan

    I’ve seen pictures of Azaria as Gargamel. It’s… terrifying.

  • Ken

    They are filming this in my neighborhood today apparently

  • MaryAnn

    They are filming this in my neighborhood today apparently

    Make them stop.

  • I hope they encounter that crafty well-dressed beggar in Grand Central who pretends to have been mugged and just needs some money to buy a train ticket home.

    I’ve never heard of this guy! Seriously, someone’s doing this? That’s… clever.

  • Brian

    Proof that there is no god:

    . . . or that whatever god holds sway over this plane is cruel and malevolent, and wants us to suffer.

  • Also: They’re gonna update that damn theme song, aren’t they? I spent a couple of decades trying to purge it from my memory, and now… *sigh*

  • Smurf this smurf. What the mothersmurfing smurf are they smurfing our smurf with unsmurfy smurf like smurf?

    /facesmurf

    The only smurf movie worth doing is a full-length Dawn of the Smurf remake of the “Purple Smurf” zombie apocalypse episode from Season One.

  • Keith

    Honey I shrunk the Blue Man Group!

    I first heard of this from a promotion vid Neil Patrick Harris did that someone tweeted about.

    Isn’t this one of the signs of the impending apocalypse?

  • MaryAnn

    I’ve never heard of this guy! Seriously, someone’s doing this? That’s… clever.

    It’s a woman.

  • Overflight

    I’ve never heard of this guy! Seriously, someone’s doing this? That’s… clever.

    So far I have encountered three such people and I live in Portugal. Guess it’s not THAT clever.

    Anyway, about this abomination…I really have nothing to say. Other than “fuck this movie” if you pardon my language.

  • There’s a guy in Portland,OR, with that trick, too, except he says he needs a train ticket.

    I shall make my first prediction about this movie: there will be lots and lots of shots of women’s legs as these short little dudes realize the biological improbability of men outnumbering women twenty to one. Unless you live in Alaska (10-1) thanks to population imbalances caused by capitalism.

  • pvcblue

    @MaryAnn Johanson

    please get a life, this movie is for children, it is a wonderful concept. The Smurfs have been around for over 50 years now in Europe and over 30 here in the USA. The CGI work is very good, and the story concept tho a little repetitive is workable. Since you haven’t even seen the actual movie I cannot understand how you can be so pessimistic about it. Is your glass half full or half empty?? The only reservation I have about this movie is that they are using Pervert HErman to voice one fo the smurfs, the fact the movie is geared towards children they should not be using someone with a child pornography conviction.

  • JoshDM

    @pvcblue

    Please get a life yourself for
    1) responding to someone’s blog in their comments
    2) defending a live action Smurfs film
    3) by the person who did Big Momma’s House

    Typed while lounging @ my netbook in Monkey Joe’s as my kid jumps himself silly in a Smurf-less bounce house.

  • Orangutan

    the fact the movie is geared towards children they should not be using someone with a child pornography conviction.

    Good thing they aren’t, then. Paul Reubens was arrested for indecent exposure in an adult theater. Not a child in sight.

  • pvcblue

    @Orangutan – check your facts he was arrested for both offences!!

    I quote – “Paul Reubens (aka Pee-wee Herman) turned himself in to Los Angeles police in November 2002 after being charged with misdemeanor possession of kiddie porn.”

    refernce – http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/reubensmug1.html

  • pvcblue

    @JoshDM

    “Please get a life yourself for
    1) responding to someone’s blog in their comments”

    The whole reason for a comments section is to RESPOND to a article… duh!

  • Orangutan

    I was unaware of that 2002 thing. But a bit more research turned up that the charges were dropped in 2004. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but unless I’m mistaken, that means no conviction.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Reubens#Pornography_arrest:_2002

    Look, Smurfs by themselves are kinda creepy. Putting them in 3D and CGI just ups the creepy-factor. Dropping them, for now inexplicably, in modern-day Manhattan is just dumb. I’m not seeing any wonderful concept here.

    And I maintain that someone has some serious dirt on Neil Patrick Harris to get him in on this.

  • Smurfette

    This reviewer should be shot…I don’t believe in GOD but the first sentence is just WRONG and insulting for people who are religious.
    I miss seeing the Smurfs and even tho it will be an ENCHANTED rip-off…I am looking forward to seeing it.

  • pvcblue

    quote – “Dropping them, for now inexplicably, in modern-day Manhattan is just dumb. ” well if it was inexplicable, maybe, but if Ms. Johanson had quoted the original article, you would know it starts out in thier magical kingdom and smurf village, and due to a freak magical mishap when being chased by the evil wizard Gargamel, sending 6 of the smurfs and Gargamel and his cat into Central Park in NYC.

  • pvcblue

    @Smurfette

    Quote – “This reviewer should be shot…I don’t believe in GOD but the first sentence is just WRONG and insulting for people who are religious.
    I miss seeing the Smurfs and even tho it will be an ENCHANTED rip-off…I am looking forward to seeing it.”

    Shot?!?! Really?!?! Do you think that God would want that or that is a truly Christian thing to wish on someone??

  • Mo

    No!

    Just no. Some things are not meant to be in 3d… or Manhattan. LEAVE MY CHILDHOOD ALONE YOU FREAKS IN SUITS! *fingers in ears* No no no no no nononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono! *deep breath* Sorry. A little piece of my three-year-old self just climbed out of my subconscious and threw a fit.

  • amanohyo

    Dear nonexistent Lord even the smurfs have fanboys… and they’re Christian apologists. They’re right though, we shouldn’t prejudge. The producers will probably take the series in a darker direction.

    The smurfs live in fungal huts grown on top of mats of garbage scavenged from dumpsters at night. Pedosmurf stumbles across one of homeless “wizard” Gargamel’s issues of Barely Legal and becomes a porn addict. “Ravage the land as never before!” Gargamel shouts as he defecates on the two largest fungus huts in a chilling (steaming?) 911 metaphor. Stricken with grief over the loss of his upscale gym, Hefty Smurf makes a drunken pass at Vanity Smurf, but is spurned, causing him to murder Vanity’s lover, Handy Smurf, in a jealous roid-fueled rage. Smurfette visits him in prison, and reveals that she’s been having an affair with Clockwork Smurf because he doesn’t judge her based on her appearance.

    Meanwhile, in the B plot, Brainy smurf is bullied one too many times and attempts to commit suicide by slicing his wrists, but is discovered by Painter Smurf in the nick of time. This, along with his conversations with Pedosmurf, inspires Painter to place external genetalia on his latest sculpture causing an uproar in the village. Poet smurf chains himself to the statue when he learns that Papa smurf plans to demolish it. Although Poet is beaten to death during the ensuing confrontation, his sacrifice lights a fire within Greedy smurf who organizes a cultural revolution with the help of the Smurflings. Architect, Baker, and Doctor Smurf are publicly ridiculed then executed, and Papa becomes a mere figurehead.

    The final minutes are a montage, the only sound is the theme song, now distant and hollow: A monstrous maggot devours Poet’s unburied corpse. Pedosmurf lies passed out in a tent made of pages of porn while Azrael approaches silently (fanservice!). An overweight Smurfette stares into Clockwork’s soulless eyes and breaks down in tears. The Smurflings turn on Greedy and drown him in a Starbucks frappachino (product placement!), Christian smurf gives Hefty his last rights and then places his head into the Smurfotine. Vanity visits a comotose Brainy and smothers him with a Sausage McMuffin. Gargamel vomits on the unmarked grave of Architect, Baker, and Doctor then shoots up heroin. Dreamy smurf takes the smurf phallus from Painter’s destroyed statue and visits the enormous dried turd that covers the area where the two fungus towers once stood. In the final shot, he shrugs, tosses the fragment on top of the turd, and lights another joint.

    Or something like that.

  • pvcblue

    @amanohyo – what were you smoking when you wrote this?

  • DaveTM

    OK I start with full disclosure I was a fan of the Smurfs back in the day. I even owned a bunch of the figures and to this day I can sing the Smurfberry Crunch cereal jingle. I would love if this movie was good.

    But to everyone defending this what chance does it really have to be good. Name one cartoon that they turned into a live action/cgi movie that was any good. Garfield? Underdog? Scooby Doo? Even my 8 year old neice loves Scooby Doo and will have nothing to do with those movies. Have you seen Hank Azaria in makeup? It’s terrifyingly bad.

    And to the “Lighten up it’s for kids.” person. Just because it’s a childrens movie doesn’t mean it has to be bad and adults can’t enjoy it. Toy Story and Shrek come to mind instantly but I’m sure with time I can come up with dozens more.

  • amanohyo

    *doh!* last rites

    pvcblue, when you watch too many movies, all the hackneyed plot elements melt into each other and your brain fills up with overwrought fanfic outlines like One Godfather Flew Over the Last Requiem for a Smurfville’s Orange Beauty. No hallucinogens required.

  • Orangutan

    Have you seen Hank Azaria in makeup? It’s terrifyingly bad.

    You know, I don’t think enough people have. Let me remedy that.

    http://media2.firstshowing.net/firstshowing/img/azaria-gargamel-smurfs-FL-full01.jpg

  • amanohyo

    Hmm…too youthful and energetic. He needs more wrinkles and urine stains. Gargamel in modern day New York doesn’t work unless he’s homeless or in a mental institution.

  • Dokeo

    @ amanohyo

    Ow! It hurts when I laugh so hard that wine shoots out my nose!

    @ pvcblue:

    Do you think that God would want that or that is a truly Christian thing to wish on someone??

    Generally when someone (in this case Smurfette) states explicitly that they don’t believe in god, well they’re not overly concerned with what “God” thinks of their opinions, nor are they concerned with wishing only “Christian things” upon anything or anybody.

    @ Smurfette

    People who disagree with your opinions should be shot?!? WTF?

  • Dokeo

    amanohyo – my previous post refers to your earlier one. But great googeley moogeley – what the hell is Hank Azaria doing in this???

  • DaveTM

    Also if this makes any kind of money how long before the direct to video Snorks movie comes out where they end up in some kids aquarium?

  • MaryAnn

    Is your glass half full or half empty??

    My glass is brimming with wine, until it’s empty. And then I fill it up again.

    if Ms. Johanson had quoted the original article, you would know it starts out in thier magical kingdom and smurf village, and due to a freak magical mishap when being chased by the evil wizard Gargamel, sending 6 of the smurfs and Gargamel and his cat into Central Park in NYC.

    Oh, yes, it makes so much sense now. *snort*

    amanohyo, I love you and want to have your babies and let’s totally raise $50 million to make this. I see Seth Rogen as Hefty Smurf.

  • Mo

    @amanohyo – Wow. o.0 You really need to write more of those down. You`ve got a talent.

    …Should it worry me a little that I get so upset about 3D, but a good disturbing crackfic on the same subject makes my day…

  • Matt C

    The thing is, “Enchanted” was a decent movie. Even enjoyable in spots. But this… Neil Patrick Harris, how could you? People are coming to you with gigs, and you pick THIS one to film?

    *shakes head*

  • pvcblue

    posted by MaryAnn (Sat Jun 19 10, 12:09AM)

    My glass is brimming with wine, until it’s empty. And then I fill it up again.

    Sober up and actually watch the movie then give a real opinion.

  • @pvcblue: the movie hasn’t even come out yet. but it doesn’t need to and actual movie to comment on the concept of it. the whole smurf thing is absurd. i don’t care that it’s half a century old, beloved by children in every country in the world, and perhaps a goldmine for the production company. the smurfs are damned creepy… and always have been. their show was creepy, the plots were moronic, and the whole one female smurf thing and her an airhead was insulting and i tried really hard to discourage my boys from watching it.

    it’s just one opinion, but i see a short and unhappy future for you as a commenter on this site.

  • Kat

    I must say that I thought the idea of a 3D smurf movie slightly odd, but whatever. Having read this whole discussion I’m now rooting for this thing. I can’t wait for Glenn Beck to weigh in because apparently the smurfs will bring about the end of American civilization and must be stopped at all cost.

    Lalalalalalaaa!

  • Julie

    My heart hurts.

    I never liked the Smurfs. I do not trust them. They measure height in apples and live in mushrooms. What’s almost more annoying than those facts (apple measurements and fungal housing) is that every once in a while someone else pops up who thinks it’s so very clever to ask “If a Smurf is choking, what color does it turn?” Well, I have two answers.
    — One, I don’t give a shit.
    — Two, I wonder the same thing about you; let’s find out.

    But now I have a new annoyance in relation to Smurfs. These new commenters who are so *offended* by the fact that opinions differ and not everyone is looking forward to this movie. There is no reason for this movie to happen. AT ALL. There are new stories to tell if people would stop being so damn lazy and regurgitate material from 20 years ago.

    I don’t care if you liked the Smurfs or still find them adorable or whatever. That is your right. I still find them irritating and creepy.

  • MaryAnn

    Having read this whole discussion I’m now rooting for this thing.

    Why?

  • deadman

    until now I always wondered where people with too much time on their hands went to have conversations about miniscule subjects. if you object to the movie don’t go see it. if you are worried about an actor’s career because of a bad choice (like being in this movie) get a life. If you don’t believe in God… whoopty fucking doo. You have to acknowledge his existance to say there is no God anyways. Anyway go ahead and stuff another twinkie down your throat and use those pudgy fingers to write more critiques on a movie that is still a year away from being released.

  • amanohyo

    Ooooh, a fat joke involving twinkies, that takes me back… who knew the children of the 80’s could be so angry and protective of the Smurfs (and God)? I thought we Gen-Xers were supposed to all be apathetic agnostics?

    Nonexistent but acknowledged God is totally cool with us wasting our time, deadman, especially on the Sabbath. In fact, God is a strong advocate of the biggest waste of time ever invented, prayer. Read your Bible more carefully you heathen, slender-fingered, time-micromanaging, smurf-lover!

    Also, I just read that in the movie, Gargamel brings the Smurfs and himself to our universe through a warp gate… which he created… with magic. I don’t care if you are on the Board of Directors of the Smurf Apologist Association, that is pretty weak sauce right there folks.

    Now, I’m gonna go squirt some Easy Cheese on my twinkie, wrap it in a fruit roll up, sandwich it between two delicious frosted pop tarts, and spend the rest of the day snacking and praying it doesn’t all go straight to my fingers.

  • Orangutan

    Try deep frying it for that EXTRA kick, amanohyo!

  • I was never a big fan of the Smurfs but many of my cousins had children who were fans and although those children are now old enough to have children of their own, I wish for their sake that this project had the makings of a decent movie.

    Unfortunately, given the premise and the track record of this film’s director, I doubt that’s going to happen.

    As for those who keep insulting MaryAnn over this movie, there is such a thing as class, you know. Sometimes it is better to be quiet and risk seeming like a fool rather than to post something that will remove all doubt…

  • deadman

    I had a feeling that would hit the spot for someone. your ignorance is amusing so I will humor you with a second response.

    Trust me there are bigger wastes of time than prayer. you’re probably just mad at God for letting that elementary school bully of yours get away with stealing your barbies.

    For someone so against the idea of a smurf movie you sure do read a lot into it. I’ll even venture to wager you will be there on opening night. Sorry that the theater you will watch it at doesn’t carry any of your stank goodness though. enjoy the movie anyways.

    Time micro managing? I’m not sure if there is an insult there. I’m not even sure any reason for me to read my Bible more carefully was made evident in my last post but I guess i’ll take your advice.

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