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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

my favorite new conspiracy theory

At a site that looks like one of those horrid linky spammy fakey sites, someone — likely a foreign agent trying to sow discord in these United States of America, God bless her — posed this question (reproduced verbatim):

Do movie critics hate the gernral puplic and intentionally give bad reviews to movies worth seeing and?

In response, the insightful Jim T says:

In 1951, Joseph Stalin, the Russian leader, came up with a plan to destroy western civilisation by installing agents as film critics in all american newspapers, TV shows and other media. It involved brainwashing young russians and other communist people and then training them for the role and installing them into positions. They would then routinely give poor reviews to subvert the industry and cause discontent in audiences.

Despite the overthrow of communism and the end of the cold war, somehow this program has continued to this day.

Also: they put fluoride in the water for nefarious purposes of their own. And does anyone really know what’s in that mysterious Golden Topping(TM) that goes on the cardboard popcorn at the multiplexes? How do we know it’s not LSD?



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  • Drave

    I’m pretty sure the Golden Topping is actually made of elven ear wax.

  • Brian

    How come they didn’t find you and deport you with the rest of those Russkies? Is your cover just too good?

  • Michael

    Well, that does it. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious movie reviews!

    And just think of all the concession stand revenue lost due to people not going to the theater from bad reviews! If this keeps up, MaryAnn, you’re going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

  • Lost all credibility when they misspelled public in my opinion :D

  • MC

    You were ok with the destruction of the word general though McFeely?

  • You were ok with the destruction of the word general though McFeely?

    HaHa totally missed that, puplic just bounced out and hit me in the face. gernral completely flew over my head.

  • Jurgan

    Well, that does it. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious movie reviews!

    And just think of all the concession stand revenue lost due to people not going to the theater from bad reviews! If this keeps up, MaryAnn, you’re going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

    YES. If we do nothing to further suppress Communist subversion, our movie industry faces near total annihilation. If, on the other hand, we commit our own movie critics fully, we stand a damn good chance of catching ’em with their pants down. A study recently commissioned shows we can send our own critics undercover to China, Cuba, and any other communist countries and do our own damage with minimal loss of American films. I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed- but I do say, no more than ten to twenty million moviegoers killed, tops!

    We cannot allow there to be a movie critic gap!

  • Michael

    We can’t let them in here! They’d see The Big Lebowski!

  • the rook

    LSD in the golden topping? you say that like it’s a bad thing.

  • bronxbee

    LSD in the golden topping? you say that like it’s a bad thing.

    of course there is! that’s what explains the popularity and general laughter at movies like “Grown Ups” (among many others.)

  • Despite the overthrow of communism and the end of the cold war, somehow this program has continued to this day.

    I’m guessing Charles Bronson and Lee Meriweather have been lying down on the job again. Though that does explain why you never hear anyone in public quote Robert Frost poems nowadays.*

    * Tonio I: You know no one is going to get that movie reference, right?
    Tonio II: You’re probably right. But what fun is a movie reference that everyone–even senile old geezers and mentally deprived infants–can get?

  • MC

    Nothing Gold can stay, Tonio…

  • RogerBW

    That explains MAJ’s mysterious “other clients”, and of course the site redesign – a rouble just doesn’t buy what it used to.

  • LaSargenta

    of course there is! that’s what explains the popularity and general laughter at movies like “Grown Ups” (among many others.)

    bronxbee, you are giving mind altering substances too much power. Nothing has been invented that could make those good. I just think that there are enough morons to fill those seats!

  • ariadne

    Au contraire, Tonio I! I remember Telefon quite well: I was quite the Charles Bronson fan back in the day. (Though I did have to look up the actual title of the movie–it *was* more than 30 years ago! And btw, it was Lee Remick, not Lee Meriwether.)

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