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such a nasty woman | by maryann johanson

new this week in U.S., Canadian, and U.K. theaters: ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse,’ ‘The Last Airbender,’ ‘Shrek Forever After,’ more


The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: A girl with no personality is unable to choose between the vampire she loves and the werewolf she loves. The invisible man was heartbroken.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Hard Candy (2005): For a much better exploraton from director David Slade of adolescent female sexuality.
30 Days of Night (2007): For a not-much-better vampire movie from director David Slade.
Remember Me (2010): Robert Pattinson can actually act, and can actually be romantically appealing, as this just-released drama demonstrates.
Adventureland (2009): Kristen Stewart likes-likes Jesse Eisenberg, who is neither a vampire nor a werewolf, just a sweet lonely nice guy.

The Last Airbender: Annoying little kid with magic powers will save the world. And end M. Night Shyamalan’s career.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

The Happening (2008): Yet another Shyamalan exercise in sucking all the life and emotion out of fictional characters and dramatic situations.
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Because Dev Patel really can act, and he’s great in this.
Dragonball: Evolution (2009): If you really need another dumb movie in which white actors plays Asian characters and the save world.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999): For another annoying little magic kid and bad CGI.

Shrek Forever After: Shrek, Fiona, Donkey, and Puss square off against the evil tyrant Rumpelstiltskin. Ooo, scary. Look for the sequel, Pied Piper: The Reckoning, coming Summer 2012.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Shrek 2 (2004): Still the best in the series, with one of the greatest character intros ever (for Puss in Boots).
Hoodwinked (2006): Postmodern snarking on Little Red Riding Hood. Stay with it — it’s better than you think.
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946): Replace Shrek with Jimmy Stewart, and it’s practically the same movie.
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993): More Mike Myers with a Scottish accent, and a (potentially) homicidal wife.

Skeletons: Like Ghostbusters, only British. And possibly without anything supernatural. [trailer]

When You’re Strange: Documentary about the Doors, and how Jim Morrison was like unto a god. No, really.

Where to buy/watch:
Adventureland [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Dragonball: Evolution [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
The Happening [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Hard Candy [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Hoodwinked [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
It’s a Wonderful Life [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Remember Me [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Shrek 2 [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Slumdog Millionaire [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
So I Married an Axe Murderer [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
30 Days of Night [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]

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