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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

on my radar: opening 08.18-20.10 in U.S. and Canadian theaters

The Switch
“You got your sperm in my uterus!” “No, I got my sperm in this little cup here. You got my sperm in your uterus.” I hate this film already, and I haven’t even seen it, because it’s either not screening for critics (though obviously a few have seen it) or Miramax is so embarrassed that they just refused to let anyone know about screenings. [trailer] (review to come)

Lottery Ticket
Isn’t it hilarious when you win the lottery, and then your friends and neighbors try to fuck you over to get their grimy hands on the winning ticket? And they say that a sense of community has been lost in America… [trailer] (review to come)

Nanny McPhee Returns (aka Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang)
She’s kinda like Beetlejuice: Just say “Nanny McPhee” three times, and she turns up. [trailer] (review to come)

Piranha 3D
It’s not screening for critics, and I was pretty much resigned to skipping it and not feeling deprived in any way. But then I heard this, from today’s New York Post:

Jerry O’Connell has been warned. The actor plays a soft-core pornographer filming bikini babes on spring break in “Piranha 3D.” But he’s not supposed to say he’s playing Joe Francis, the founder of “Girls Gone Wild.” “For legal reasons I’m supposed to say, ‘I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis,’ ” O’Connell told journo Jacob Bernstein. Now, Francis’ lawyer, Stanton Stein, has fired off a letter to the Weinstein Company, which produced the horror flick through its Dimension Films: “We caution all of those associated with this film to refrain from maligning Mr. Francis . . . Any defamatory or disparaging statements . . . will be met with swift litigation.”

I assume that Francis and his people do not feel that making a fortune off the antics of sad, lonely girls with no self-esteem is not a form of self-maligning.

But if this means that O’Connell’s pornographer gets eaten by piranhas in the movie, I just might have to see it after all. [trailer]

Vampires Suck
And I bet this movie sucks even more. [trailer]

Middle Men (expanding)
Luke Wilson is not a pornographer… he just takes his cut from what pornographers rake in when guys need to jerk off. It’s a noble business with a long and distinguished history. (my review)



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