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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

wtf: Justin Bieber is better than all of us

I thought this was a headline from The Onion:

Justin Bieber to Play Himself in 3D Movie

But it’s real (via ABC News). And it gets worse:

Paramount Pictures confirmed Tuesday that it will release a 3D biopic about the Canadian teen idol’s life on February 11.

Bieber is 16. Sixteen years old. What can he possibly have done yet that warrants a biography? He hasn’t even been to rehab yet for an addiction to drugs, alcohol, and/or sex.

Please shoot me:

The news follows Monday’s announcement that Bieber will publish a memoir, “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story,” in October.

Deep thought: Justin Bieber is three years older than this Web site.



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  • Another Deep Thought: Kurt Cobain, a real rock star, was already dead before Justin Bieber was born.

  • Anne

    Deep thought: Justin Bieber is three years older than this Web site.

    I guess it’s time for your website’s memoires then. It probably has a lot more to say than Justin Bieber, I think..

  • slinberg

    Can someone tell me what a Justin Bieber is and why I need one?

  • James

    Is it strange to be annoyed about the book name? “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story” Really? A title, a subtitle, and a sub-subtitle? If that’s just the cover, I’m scared of what the writing style inside would be.

    A friend of mine threatened to buy me a copy for Christmas. I said if she did, I’d be reading it to her as we ride to work. I expect one 15 minute ride would be enough to read the whole thing.

  • RyanT

    Well, sadly, the demand is out there. He’s just cashing in. Can’t entirely fault him.

  • Dokeo

    Well, sadly, the demand is out there. He’s just cashing in. Can’t entirely fault him.

    Or, more likely, his handlers are cashing in. I doubt a 16 year old boy is the savviest of businessmen. Teen stardom is fickle – they’ve got to squeeze the maximun of cash out of their hot property while they can.

  • Anne-Kari

    The only positive thing I can say about Justin Bieber is that he (or at least his agent) has the ability to make fun of his image over at Funny Or Die: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/cd12846553/bieber-takes-over

  • Orangutan

    Can someone tell me what a Justin Bieber is and why I need one?

    You have no idea how jealous I am of you, that you have not had this kid inflicted on you.

  • Drave

    Wait, what? How can you have a life story if you haven’t lived yet?

    Hmm… Maybe it’s a prequel?

  • Dart

    Dude, you guys are overlooking the best part! In 3D?! So I’m guessing he either went to some fantasy land where magical creatures flew around him, or something so visually spectacular happened that it needs to be put in 3D, prior to becoming the “next Michael Jackson.” I for one am dying to see Canada in the third dimension. It’ll be like I live there!

  • I for one am dying to see Canada in the third dimension. It’ll be like I live there!

    I do live there. Canada is awesome in 3D. And it’s so damn big, there’s actually very little chance you’ll bump into Justin Bieber.

  • MaryAnn

    And it’s so damn big, there’s actually very little chance you’ll bump into Justin Bieber.

    Another reason to love Canada!

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