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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

wtf: medieval melons go to war

The new comic-book inspired poster for the film Centurion:

(Full poster, by British comics artist Simon Bisley, after the jump.)

Now, as pumped up as Michael Fassbender ever gets, as in this image from 300:

he never looks as meaty as his comics version does. But even in illustrated fantasy, he’s still far more realistic than the comics wet dream version of Olga Kurylenko is. Here’s her in real life:

The poor woman is almost naked in 95 percent of the pictures of her online — we should chip in to buy her some T-shirts or something — so it’s easy to tell that she is a lovely woman with realistic breasts.

I suspect that even if breast-implant technology existed in Roman Britain, most warriors would not elect to undergo the procedure: enormous breasts would be a hindrance on a battlefield.

Here’s what I propose, however. If such outrageously distended body parts are helpful to the warrior, let’s get an illustration of Fassbender’s soldier with watermelon-sized testicles. And then he can let us know whether this helps or hinders when he is running for his life from an enemy hellbent on killing him.

(Centurion is now available in the U.S. on Amazon Video on Demand, and opens theatrically on August 27. It will be released on Region 2 DVD in the U.K. on August 16. Watch the trailer here).



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  • Has the illustrator ever seen a woman’s breasts? Like ever? Even setting aside my standard gripes about warrior women in push-up bras, no armor and nudity being kept “warm” by the presence of a dishcloth-sized fur capes, not even FAKE BOOBS look like that. He may as well have added a femur or a few extra elbows while he was at it.

  • TJP

    No kidding – I think those melons are creeping up on her neck…

    Also, she’s not the worst by far, but someone should get Olga a sammich to go with that t-shirt (though as a hetero male, I won’t complain if we skip the t-shirt part).

  • JoshB

    The poster looks like someone grafted water balloons onto her chest. I mean, forget the size, they’re not even shaped right. Was the artist drawing from a Martian anatomy reference?

  • Mark

    Sheesh, we finally get a documentary-style treatment of the hitherto-unknown invention of industrial-strength underwiring by the Romano-Celts and people get all snippy about it…

  • JoshDM

    Maybe those are her pecs because she has awesome upper body strength?

  • Also, while I’m enjoying objectifying shirtless Michael Fassbender pointing a sword, if you hadn’t indicated who the comic was depicting, I would have guessed Jean-Claude Van Damme.

  • Maybe years of seeing comic book art just like it has caused my internal sense of scale to go all whack, but I guess I really don’t think her boobs are any bigger than Olga’s real boobs than Michael’s muscles are bigger than his real muscles.

  • bronxbee

    does anyone else think the scale of the two drawn characters is kinda funny? i mean, *he’s* supposed to be the focus of the movie, isn’t he? not her boobs.

  • mortadella

    Yep, what bronxbee said. The whole point of that poster is to show us that her dough has risen. And they’re awfully shiny and round, like she polishes them. Shouldn’t they be covered, anyway? In a tussle they might get scraped. Did the Roman-Celts have any sports bra technology at all?

  • Victor Plenty

    Bronxbee, the male character is merely a stand-in for the male reader, whose male gaze is directed at the real focus (or perhaps I should use the plural and say, the real foci) of the image. This explains the relative scale of the individual persons drawn, which, as you rightly pointed out, is kinda funny. :)

  • Lisa

    she’d have your eye out with a smack from one of those – they’re quite terrifying actually

    isn’t she mute in the film?

  • Watermelon-sized testicles… hmmmmm…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPdA7aJ5tJc

  • thanks you, victor. i now have another word for my breasts… i shall refer to them as the “foci” henceforth. makes it all sound erudite, interesting and funny…

  • bats :[

    I’d go see this as long as I can be assured that the Centurion will stwike someone, vewwy woughly. And then thwow him to the floor.

  • Illustrators tend to go for larger… tracts of land when drawing women. The entire comics industry has seen once-modestly drawn female characters (Wonder Woman, Black Canary, Wasp, Raven, et al) go from realistic A or B cup sizes to C cup *minimums* (Power Girl and She-Hulk were intentionally drawn larger for… certain reasons). For Wonder Woman it came about when Lynda Carter played the live-action version, and stayed that way ever since. Raven went from being practically petite to curvaceous when the Teen Titans cartoon show (of all things!) had drawn her as being curvier than StarFire (who was always DD in the books and Lampshaded as such)

    Any newer female comics character, as long as she’s older than 16, tends to be verrrrrrry busty. I’m not at all surprised the comic book is drawing the female character as having massive cleavage. No, it’s not politically correct, but… that’s your market.

  • Oh, and the artist? Bisley? He’s one of those artists who do… favor the busty ladies.

  • Ide Cyan

    I’ve seen the movie. Kurylenko wears sensible clothes throughout, as far as I recall. It’s Fassbender who is shirtless, a lot.

  • MaryAnn

    It’s Fassbender who is shirtless, a lot.

    But it would be totally gay to sell the movie on that basis, so it’s really best for everyone involved if there’s boobies.

  • Ed Duffy

    This rather reminds me of the cover artwork for the ’80s 8-bit shoot-’em-up Game Over. The original artwork caused so many complaints from parents that the pneumatic lady was given a bit of a cover-up in subsequent advertising. (Just as well, as it was evidently a bit chilly out.)

    Neither gender comes out very well in this sort of thing, though. The ‘women’ are grossly out of whack and the (presumably) men who designed the things come across like socially inept teenage boys with a bin full of Kleenex.

  • So apparently the one thing the X-Men character Storm needed all along to become popular in Hollywood was breast augmentation. And to be played by a Russian actress. Because who doesn’t think of petite light-skinned Russian women when they think of Storm?

    For that matter, it seems a little weird that the guy seems evocative of Xander Harris. Not to mention the fact that you don’t usually see men portrayed as the smaller of the two sexes in a poster that is so obviously intended for heterosexual male viewers. Even Tom Cruise movies generally downplay the times he is shorter than his female leads so what’s up with the large woman and the small man in this poster? Surely it’s not foreground trouble? Or a homage to James Thurber?

  • CB

    Now just to get this out of the way first, Linda Carter became the canonical image for Wonder Woman for damn good reason. That’s a victory for justice as far as I’m concerned.

    But those flesh-colored titanium Battle Spheres, which I guess we could euphemistically call “boobies”, are emblematic of a large swath of very un-just problems with comics. And not only is a social justice sense, but in the sense of doing justice to the libidos of the adolescent boys who are targeted by this stuff. I mean, the two outcomes when they grow up are either that they can only become aroused by women who have taken their clothes off on the Howard Stern Show, or they have to live the rest of their lives with a sense of shame and betrayal having been tricked into oggling creatures that were not, strictly speaking, women.

    The worst of this is Rob Liefeld. I couldn’t remember his last name, so I literally typed “rob women broken spines” into Google and it knew who I was talking about before I even hit the search button. Even as hormone-addled crazily immature early teen who hadn’t ever been closer to a woman than Rob has, I realized his gigantic-breasted non-existent-waisted “women” were horrific.

    Actually now that I think about it, maybe I owe him a debt of gratitude, because by the mid-90s I was entirely over that whole “aesthetic” and now just roll my eyes at things like the poster above. All because Rob took it so over the top he broke it, just like his poor female characters’ backs.

  • CB

    P.S.

    we should chip in to buy her some T-shirts or something

    Ha! Charity website anyone?

  • Tim1974

    Another sexist, male bashing article. You trolled off topic by dragging a sexist, exploitation example of a male into your comments instead of staying with the issue of the woman’s breasts. You should follow your own guidelines and censor yourself. Pathetic !

  • CB

    The only male-bashing is done by virtue of the caricature you present. I’d consider you an insult to the chromosomes we presumably share if I were to presume you were real or serious.

  • LaSargenta

    Or a homage to James Thurber?

    Tonio, you naughty, naughty boy! You just made me spit tea all over my computer keyboard. Mind you, it’s my fault for drinking anything at all while reading this thread.

    Now that’s a Centurion movie I’d like to see…a la James Thurber. Bwahahahahahahahaha!

  • Orangutan

    @CB: Want some real laughs? Image search ‘rob liefeld captain america’. Don’t be drinking anything when you do, though.

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