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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

wtf: when ‘Twilight’ fandom really starts to stink

For as long as I can remember, I have wondered, What do I smell like to Edward Cullen? For the longest time, I didn’t even know who Edward Cullen was, and then I was finally able to put that mystery to rest when Twilight was published a few years ago.

But the eternal longing to know what I smell like to Edward Cullen could not be satisfied until just now, when — though the advances of modern technology — we are all able to discover what we smell like to Edward Cullen through this thoroughly scientific quiz. I was so excited, I almost had an emotion, just like Bella almost does all the time! So I went to take the quiz.

</snark>
I’ll put you out of your suspense. You don’t smell like anything to Edward Cullen, because he is a fucking fictional character. But if you wanted to indulge in a little fantasy in this regard, you will have to give up your email address to spammers– I mean, legitimate marketers. Because after you answer a few questions about whether you like puppies and chocolate and romantic walks on the beach, you come to this shit:

You can answer No, of course, to question No. 11, but you will not get the results of your quiz unless you give up a lot of personal information: email, name, and address.

Listen: Edward Cullen is not going to come to your house. What’s going to happen is that you’re going to get bombarded with marketing, both electronically and in your snail-mail. And if you try to click through to get your results without giving away your info, you’re get prompted to enter it again, with warnings to:

Enter your real first and last name to ensure that your personalized quiz results are accurate.

This comes after the advisory that this quiz is only for those over the age of 13, but can you imagine anyone over the age of 13 who would believe that the results of this quiz could be more “accurate” if you give your real name?

With a bit of futzing around with reloading pages from my cache and such, I was actually able to get my results. Are you ready? They’re very exciting:

How I Smell to Edward

Which is awesome, actually. Because Edward Cullen gets me so wet.

Oh, wait: No he doesn’t.



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easter eggs
  • Adina

    This is the sort of thing that mailinator.com was designed for. Assuming you actually want to get one piece of email from them, that is.

  • For as long as I can remember, I have wondered, What do I smell like to Edward Cullen?

    This needs to go in the little blurb up top under the bias meter.

    What are we calling that little blurb, anyway? The Masthead maybe?

  • Jurgan

    Maryann, I think the awesomeness of that post may have just broken the internet. Keep an eye out for downed webpages.

  • MaryAnn

    What are we calling that little blurb, anyway? The Masthead maybe?

    I call that the tagline. Or the info thingie, when I’m feeling technical.

  • Jan Willem

    Interesting twist on the Old Spice Guy campaign: This is the way your man could smell you if he had a more developed sense of smell.

  • nyjm

    Definitely one of those things that makes me want to laugh, cry, sigh and rage all at the same time.

    Here’s my question, though: what cynical PR schmuck thought this up?

  • Jurgan

    Speaking of the Old Spice Guy, here’s a great parody.

  • RogerBW

    What do I smell like to Edward Cullen?

    The day that never turns to night.
    The holy water that never runs dry.
    The fire that is never quenched.
    The stake that is not seen.

    …darn vampires, stay off my lawn.

  • CB

    This comes after the advisory that this quiz is only for those over the age of 13, but can you imagine anyone over the age of 13 who would believe that the results of this quiz could be more “accurate” if you give your real name?

    Is there any legal reason you’d have to be over 13 anyway? I mean I’m not absolutely certain, I just didn’t think that 13 was the legal-to-give-out-real-name age, or really the age for *anything*.

    If that’s true, then it sounds to me like it’s explicitly designed to be extra-enticing to people under age 13 — give it that flair of the illicit and more grown-up. Same logic behind naming a magazine for girls in middle school Seventeen.

  • MaryAnn

    Is there any legal reason you’d have to be over 13 anyway?

    It has to do with the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998.

  • CB

    Ah, I see.

  • What with Edward Cullen allegedly being a vampire, wouldn’t any human smell to him like a big sack of blood?

  • Kate

    A more interesting quiz:

    What does Edward Cullen smell like?

    a) dead, rotting, decaying flesh;
    b) hair gel;
    c) body glitter spray; or
    d) all of the above.

  • Hey I got the ocean too!

    I know what *I* smell…something rotten in Denmark.

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