wtf: when ‘Twilight’ fandom really starts to stink
For as long as I can remember, I have wondered, What do I smell like to Edward Cullen? For the longest time, I didn’t even know who Edward Cullen was, and then I was finally able to put that mystery to rest when Twilight was published a few years ago.
But the eternal longing to know what I smell like to Edward Cullen could not be satisfied until just now, when — though the advances of modern technology — we are all able to discover what we smell like to Edward Cullen through this thoroughly scientific quiz. I was so excited, I almost had an emotion, just like Bella almost does all the time! So I went to take the quiz.
I’ll put you out of your suspense. You don’t smell like anything to Edward Cullen, because he is a fucking fictional character. But if you wanted to indulge in a little fantasy in this regard, you will have to give up your email address to spammers– I mean, legitimate marketers. Because after you answer a few questions about whether you like puppies and chocolate and romantic walks on the beach, you come to this shit:
You can answer No, of course, to question No. 11, but you will not get the results of your quiz unless you give up a lot of personal information: email, name, and address.
Listen: Edward Cullen is not going to come to your house. What’s going to happen is that you’re going to get bombarded with marketing, both electronically and in your snail-mail. And if you try to click through to get your results without giving away your info, you’re get prompted to enter it again, with warnings to:
Enter your real first and last name to ensure that your personalized quiz results are accurate.
This comes after the advisory that this quiz is only for those over the age of 13, but can you imagine anyone over the age of 13 who would believe that the results of this quiz could be more “accurate” if you give your real name?
With a bit of futzing around with reloading pages from my cache and such, I was actually able to get my results. Are you ready? They’re very exciting:
Which is awesome, actually. Because Edward Cullen gets me so wet.
Oh, wait: No he doesn’t.
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